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The Last Day of another Decade of Life

by Deborah Cruz

Today is the last day of another decade of life for me. Of course, it would fall on a Monday on the heaviest day of shark week. This does not surprise me. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring, as none of us are, but if turning 30 taught me anything, expect the unexpected.

I was very excited about turning 30.I had made up my mind that turning 30 was the new 20 and I was going to rock 30 but something totally unexpected happened on the morning that I woke up of my 30th birthday, I woke up and 30’s years of unfulfilled potential sat squarely on my shoulders. I woke up that morning and felt as if I might suffocate from the weight. I’d taken the day off, as I always had on my birthday, and sat at home alone all day ( we were living in a new city at the time and only knew co-workers) counting all the ways in which I was not where I had thought I would be. I hadn’t graduated law school.We hadn’t started our family and I wasn’t sure we were going to. I was working at a job I hated, one more like the ones I had in high school than I had expected at 30. We didn’t own a house. We were living in a hotel. We didn’t live by family and all of our friends lived someplace else. I spent the day thinking, where the hell did it all go wrong. I was nearly in tears by the time my husband had gotten back from work.

Goodbye years, I lived you well

All I could see were problems. I had gotten the eating disorder monkey off my back for a few years by then, so I had gained a little weight. I had also been recently diagnosed with Bipolar and , quite honestly, the meds were not helping the body issues. Bipolar treatment drugs were making me fat and getting fat was making me crazy. It was a very vicious and unhappy circle. Let’s put it this way, my 30th birthday crushed me and then set a fire under my ass to do something about the unfulfilled feeling.

Today, I am 39. I have 2 gorgeous children who are funny, smart and make my days so much more fulfilled. I’ve been married to my best friend for 13 years. We’ve gone through beginnings and endings together; we’ve grown up, grown out and grown closer. I am blessed. We’ve moved all over the country and now, we live 5 minutes from family. We just bought a new house in the same city after 3 years of commuter marriage. He has his dream job that he loves. I am living my dream of being a professional writer. I write for some of my favorite publications and am getting new offers daily. I am finally content in my skin. I love my body for what it can do and not hate it for its shortcomings. I have a masters. I have more friends in the world (all over the world) than I could have ever imagined. I am truly and unconditionally loved by more than I deserve. I have everything I ever wanted within arms reach and I know myself better than I ever did before. I think I am pretty lucky to be where I am and I am just beginning.

I’m not sure what the next 40 years will bring but I know that the first 40 have been full of adventures. It’s taken me 39 years to know what I really like and who I really am, at my core. No matter what tomorrow brings, I am so happy for what I’ve become and who I am blessed to share my life with in this world. I’m not afraid of 40, I’m challenging myself to make the next year one of the best of my life.

Thank you all for being a part of it! Goodbye 30’s!

30's, 39, turning 40

Not too bad for 30 + 9



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Kalley C 2012/09/25 - 9:16 am

As one chapter closes, another one opens. I’m sure you’re looking forward to everything the 40s bring. Keep your head up and say, “bring it on!”

Deborah Cruz 2012/09/27 - 1:08 pm

I am looking forward to growing more comfortable in my skin and in who I am. THere is something to be said for the wisdom for age and learning to know and love yourself. It’s taken a LONG time but I think I am almost there:)

Best things about turning 40 2021/05/31 - 8:59 am

[…] life sneak attacks you, ninja style and that is kind of what has been happening. There was no giant weight gain. Come on, […]


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