web analytics

The TRUTH About Motherhood

Tag: Throat Punch Thursday

  • Throat Punch Thursday; Taking it up the rear edition

    Disclaimer: Dear readers if anyone is easily offended, faint of heart, or just doesn’t like opinionated, foul language laced, bad behavior please step away from this post. Please do not walk….run! I love you all and do not want to offend.Be warned, some opinions stated within may be alarming and may even crush your dreams and ideas….forever.

    As I am sure you are all very aware, the whole Gulf oil spill situation has gotten completely out of hand. I know there have been other spills all over the world. I am not so naive as to not recognize that big oil companies have been doing this shit all over the world. It’s just a little more damn apparent when it is in our own backyard or ocean, as the case may be.I don’t know about you, but I am starting to feel like the American people are getting all kinds of lip service and then..BAM, bend over bitch..right up the rear! No warning, no bargaining, no KY just BAM!!! Last week I had to give the weekly throat punch to  Hayward and Obama. This week, after hearing the incredulous bullshit that fell out of our President’s mouth. I had to give it to him and him alone.He can take his throat punch all by himself. Why, You ask? Well, it had something to do with  this and a lot to do with this: “I have established a National Commission to understand the causes of this disaster and offer recommendations on what additional safety and environmental standards we need to put in place.” A fucking commission!I don’t know about you but I’m feeling condescended to lately. It’s like a parent trying to pacify a child in mid tantrum, saying anything ( basically a whole lot of nothing) just to calm them down with no intention of keeping whatever crazy promise they made to get the damn crazy kid to shut the hell up in Target! What the fuck is there to understand? It’s been explained to death. Were you not paying attention? Are you deaf? BP is a bunch of fucking assholes who cut corners, they blew some shit up, killed 11 people (immediately), who knows the true extent of the collateral damage, there is oil rushing into the Gulf and strangling all of the creatures of the ocean, people’s livelihoods are being ruined, and the planet is generally being destroyed…oh yeah and YOU are sitting on your ass watching it all happen!Understand? There, you don’t need any damn commission I just recapped. Give me the commission money, better yet..give it to the GULF and clean it the fuck up NOW !! HURRY UP!!! Now, go eat some more of that Gulf seafood that you were trying to get your constituents to eat. ABout that, what are you Jim Jones? Is Gulf Seafood the American people’s Kool aid? Jumpin Jehosephat, are you fucking retarded? No offense to any retarded people who may be reading this!
    So, I am once again bestowing my special edition Doc Marten wearing roundhouse kick to your throat, face ,and testicles to the ONLY fucking idiot who can not figure this shit out! Dude, I was your biggest fan and now I have to hang my head in shame. I am ridiculed by all those who love me because of my poor choices at election time. I was so proud, so boastful and now shame! Thanks a LOT!!!! I can feel it, they are coming to revoke my Political scientist credentials because of this faux pas.Shit man, we put our faith in you and you have abandoned us. Yes we can….The question is , CAN YOU?

    Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming! Happy Mothering!

  • Throat Punch Thursday; THis time its personal

    Look closely at the picture, recognize anybody? Yeah, that would be me ( not really) but figuratively I belong right in front of that dang kangaroo’s right hook or maybe he’s trying to choke me out. I’m not sure but after this week, either way….I deserve it!
    Yes, I am awarding, none other than, myself the coveted award.Sorry Ladies, you can’t have it this week.  Why, you ask yourself. Well, it has something to do with the fact that its 10 pm and my girls are still up ( bad parenting 101) and a lot more to do with this….

    Yes, Ladies, to my disgust and shame that is my garage. Fool that I am , I thought it would be a good idea to participate in the neighborhood garage sale ( you know in the spirit of cleansing and moving forward and not backward..blahblahblah..my new mantra). What an idiot I was. Did I mention I just took the picture and the sale is in the morning at around 8 am. This neighborhood sale is no joke..strictly for professionals. I am totally an amateur at this, to say the least. While in my garage pricing merchandise, I had buyers casing my garage as they walked their dogs through our neighborhood ( yeah, they don’t live here). So, that means tomorrow there will be people ready to buy at about 7:55 am and this is the state my garage is in. Nothing is on tables, nothing is hung, I’m stressing out, the kids are running wild.Again, did I mention its almost 11 pm and they are still stirring. I’d better check, don’t want to be like the winner of last weeks Worst Mom Ever award . Nope the girls are still in their my bed. ( yeah, that’s an entirely different post for another night). Oh well, I will get it together in the morning . I do my best work under stress, its a fact! So, this week I am giving myself a nice long punch directly to the throat, with any luck it will render me unconscious and I will get to bed at a reasonable time and be functional at 6 am when I need have to be up to prep the joint for the  lovely vultures customers. Here’s hoping I can raise the money to buy the girls one of those giant inflatable water slide thingys…I’ve heard those suckers really tucker the kids out. So, you see, it would really be a gift for Mama!That is if Grandma doesn’t take them and buy out all the neighbors junk, leaving me no room to house the giant water slide. Grandma likes to replenish me for next years sale. Happy Mothering!

  • Throat Punch Thursday: Mean Girl Edition

    Well, there is an abundance of candidates this week for Throat punch Thursday, as you can see from my previous CNN streaming posts. Apparently, the world is coming to an end with all these maniacs on the loose. I really was a tortured soul trying to decide who was the biggest douche bag this week and deserved the coveted and well deserved throat punch. You know the Lopez family who brutalized that little 5 month old? Well, they were the forerunner. I really thought they had it in the bag. Then ,something more personal came along.You see, in the right hand column of my blog I post the blogs that I personally love. These are not just blogs that follow me or that giveaway the best prizes, no these gals are my support system. They are who I turn to when I need understanding, a good laugh, wit, but mostly sisterhood. Other Mommies who I can relate to and are pretty damn good writers as well. That’s why I feature them in that column under the header “BLOGS I LOVE”. They exemplify sisterhood and what Motherhood is really about… being able to laugh at yourself and enjoying the journey, all the while letting other Mommies know they are not alone in this craziness and that its ok to be human. We all write our blogs for different reasons; for some its just to chronicle their childrens lives, some its  a business opportunity a way to feel useful and contribute to the family finances, for some its catharsis, some its for sisterhood, for some its to expand their writing horizons and for others its for all of thee above. No matter the reason, they are sharing their lives. WE share our successes and our stumbles so that others may know that they are not alone and being imperfect is all a part of being a good parent. We offer the most precious thing we have to offer, we give ourselves. It’s humbling and freeing. When the feedback is good, we feel amazing and when it is bad,we take it personally. No grudges, normally, but it still stings the soul just a bit. There are ways to do things without being an asshole. You know what I mean. A backhanded compliment is always better than a “YOU SUCK!” It’s rude, even if you’re not trying to be. My point being the winner of the Throat Punch goes to the reader who commented on a fellow bloggers site and told her “Not to be Rude” ( that’s never good) then the comment went on to state  that the blog isn’t up to the standard it used to be and this person is concerned that she is going to lose followers.Wow! When did we get the blog police? Or maybe she is just a concerned citizen making a citizens blog arrest. If the lady really cared maybe she should have asked.”Are you OK? From your blog, I know you’ve been sick and so has your child. Feel better!” But to kick someone when they are so obviously already not feeling well, that’s big time douchery in my book! To make it even worse, the commenter doesn’t even have her own blog. So, she has no idea what it takes to maintain a blog. She probably isn’t even a Mom, explaining why she has no tolerance for a busy Mommy with a sick baby! I know that when we open our lives up to people in our blogs we are inviting them in. It’s like”Hey come on in, have a seat , lets drink some coffee ( or wine) and have a chat!” It’s pretty rude, when they come in and throw the coffee in your face, flip the table and say “What a dirty house! Can’t you get up off your lazy ass and clean once in awhile!” Not to be rude, but I’m just saying! So, this weeks Throat Punch goes to the anonymous reader who left the shitty comment for the sick Mommy blogger( the operative world being Mommy. I mean how much do we have on our plates just raising our little pieces of perfection. Do we really need to be insulted that we are dropping the ball elsewhere?)! Shame on you! Now, come over here so I can punch you in the throat!

  • MY First EVER….Throat Punch Thursday

    Throat Punch Thursday~ So, all week, I have been waiting for Throat Punch Thursday because, let’s face it, I’ve had a crappy week and I had a ton of shit to complain about..shark week will do that ya know? There was so much I wanted to punch in the throat. Then today, asshole that life can sometimes be, the sun comes out and life is all diamonds and ice cream ( yeah, its my own new saying..watch everyone will be saying it soon). I mean seriously, the day that I actually need to have a throat punch delivered life plays a happy joke on me. My husband is coming home in the morning..yey! SO, I can’t throat punch him. My girls were super  awesome ( probably because I wasn’t being a raging bitch), so couldn’t would absolutely NEVER throat Punch them. I actually get to have a real life, honest to goodness Anniversary date with my husband this weekend, complete with fancy restaurant, movie  and drinks ( MIL is coming to sit, so I can stay out and play in peace!) Certainly, NO throat punch there. Then I looked in the mirror and much to my OMG WTF! chagrin, seems I have spontaneously developed a bindi smack dab in the center of my forehead! Can I throat punch a pimpleBindi? Seriously, the weekend of my first date alone with my husband in what seems like a hundred years but is actually more like 5 ( still…a very long time). Where’s that little bastards throat? I’m punching…and then I  am snapping a photo for posterity’s sake! Take that blemish, you bastard!

     
    Crap!! So, I was trying to look up a photo of a bindi or a pimple to illustrate my point about my blemish when I came across this photo of Bindi and Steve Irwin. Buzz kill. I have a new candidate for a throat punch, pimple step aside, the damn Stingray that killed the Crocodile hunter. It’s gotta be a hard one, its 4 years too late but it still breaks my heart. My Bella has always loved the Wiggles Safari video, as does her lil sis Gabs, and every single time I see that crocodile hunter….I want to cry. So, new plan..I’m throat punching the damn stingray who iced the Crocodile hunter. What a cheeky bastard to do some dirty shit like kill a kids hero! Bindi, this ones for you! Truthful Mommy’s going to throat punch the crap outta that stingray and maybe Elizabeth Hasselbeck too ( just because she really friggin annoys me!)