I can’t remember exactly how or when I met the lovely Alexandra, the voice of Good Day Regular People. I do know that she is like the big sister that I never had. She is a wonderful woman who writes a very smart, funny, entertaining and honest blog. I love reading her because for me, she is very relate-able. We share a common thread, we are both Latinas and Mothers. But her pieces are more than just that, they are the voices of Motherhood that transcend race, religion,creed, or station in life. If you are not already a follower of Alexandra, I hope that you will be. Not only is she an amazing supporter for her bloggy friends, she truly does celebrate her fellow women and she is full of maternal wisdom.I am honored to have her here today sharing her very tender and intimate truth about motherhood. She is one of the bravest women I know.I know that once you read her, you will hold her in as high a regard as I do. Thank You Alexandra for sharing your story. XO, Debi
Since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother.
To have my own babies, and have a laundry basketful of little bitty socks and soft, cotton onesies to fold.
When I was five years old, I confessed to my grandmother, “Abuela, I can’t wait to have my own children.” Her response to me was, “God waits to send the perfect children just for you.” I smiled at the thought of what precious baby God would choose for me. I imagined having a little girl, full of curls and large, dark eyes, all legs kicking and joyful giggling.
I knew I would be a perfect mother, for that perfect baby. I would be the best mother there ever was. I would be loving, patient, full of kisses and good nature and never without a smile on my face and laughter in my voice. I would be a dream mom.
As time went on, my baby fever never wained. And the longer life had me wait for that perfect baby, the more precise the vision of what type of mother I would be, became. With every year that my biological clock ticked on, the more mature and wisened I imagined myself in the role of a lifetime: that of a mother.
I was growing impatient, and frankly, scared, when I was approaching 35 years old, and still without that one baby. That baby that my life felt empty without. That baby that would bring me all the happiness I felt I was missing. That baby that would make my life perfect. I knew that when that baby came, the heavens would open and a chorus of angels would sing, and I would be happy, fulfilled, and never experience any sort of sadness or negative feeling for the rest of my life.
Just five months short of my 36th birthday, I finally had that golden, much awaited, baby. The one that would bring me all the joy I knew would come with finally being a mother. All I had dreamed of was finally, here, in my arms.
What wasn’t part of my life’s dream, however, was the shock of the feelings I was having after the birth of this baby.
I was scared. I was in pain. I was confused and panicked. I was oh so very tired. And I had a baby that wasn’t crying, but screaming and inconsolable, painfully latching on to engorged breasts.
I burst into tears. This was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life? This?
What was wrong with me? I should be up and dancing and calling people on the phone, joyfully. Not laying here, in this hospital bed, hooked up to an I.V., with tears streaming down my face, holding a baby that I knew could read my mind that said, “I’m too scared to be your mama.”
I kept all these feelings to myself, I was so full of shame. I never heard of anyone crying with unhappiness when their baby was born. And especially me. Everyone in my life knew that all I ever wanted, was to have my own baby.
Fortunately, my Dr. was astute enough to know this was not a case of baby blues lite. She had me in her office by Day 5 of my beautiful boy being born.
She sent me to a Post Partum Depression specialist. My wonderful Dr. would call me at home, to see how I was doing. She located a PPD support group for me. She even called my husband and told him how important it was that he be home with me.
Was this the way I imagined the birth of my life long awaited first baby to be? No. It so sadly wasn’t.
This first baby is now 16 years old. But, the memory of his birth is a vivid, visceral one.
I have worked hard, through therapy, to forgive myself for not welcoming his coming into the world with joy. I have had to forgive myself.
The Truthful Mommyism that I’ve had to learn, is that I’m not perfect, but that does not make me any less of the perfect mother for my children. I am who I am, battle scars and all, and I’ve learned that facing and working through the challenges that life has sent my way, has made me see myself as a strong, brave, determined woman. When my first child was born, not only did I have a newborn to take care of, but I did it with PPD, temporarily broken dreams, and, at the time, disappointment in myself.
I did it, I survived, and I am proud to say, that I am proud of myself.
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First, turn down the music player at the bottom of the page or you won’t be able to hear a word that I am saying!
I thought it was about time you all got to meet the Mommy behind the blog! This was fun. Hopefully, I didn’t stumble or make too many crazy faces! Enjoy! Keep a look out for next month’s, month long celebration of my Birthday; BE a Better ME Challenge! Happy Mothering!
Disclaimer: I don’t really look like a OOmpa LOOMpa, its the lighting from the computer!Sorry. Don’t be afraid![/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
It seems today almost slipped by without recognition; I forgot to vent for the week. I really didn’t have much to be truthful about today, this week is much like last week, or so I thought. That was until I was surfing around the web and came across this little gem. No, I will not link to the actual page for the sheer fact that I refuse to direct traffic in the general direction of ,what I consider, a crock of s*it. That which I am referring to was an article about Mommies complaining, more specifically Mommy bloggers complaining under the guise of enlightening others in on our ‘real’ life day to day happenings. Here I thought we were trying to make it easier on everyone.Apparently, to paraphrase, this author says that Mommy bloggers that operate under the guise of being honest and telling it like it is are actually not telling the general public anything they don’t already know. In fact, we are boring her with our complaining.Basically, you made your bed..now lie in it and take your medicine like a man! Oy vey, apparently, this broad is not a Mommy and has never had to defuse a toddler meltdown bomb in 60 seconds in the middle of mass! If she were, she wouldn’t be such a mean, sarcastic b*tch! Here I am preaching sisterhood and friendship and this woman thinks we should all keep our collective mouth shut and just keep on pretending that its all good ,because we are boring her; maybe even annoying her. You know what’s really annoying? Someone who doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about telling me how I’m suppose to feel, or at the very least, react and deal with my life as a Mother. So, sufficient time has been spent being truthful about my feelings on this subject..now, off I go to take my medicine (code for deal with my lovely children). Oh wait, they are being angels today and have been sleeping for about 4 hours.I know, I will go write another post and perpetuate my bad behavior…after all, it is Truthful Tuesday (well, it was when I stated writing this post)!Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Ok, I know I am not so good at always remembering to vent on Truthful Tuesdays. How am I suppose to be a good example if I don’t even vent myself? So here, I go. Keep in mind, I had to dig deep to find something that made my life not perfect today:)
I’ve decided that I hate, absolutely hate, splinters. Yes, seems the little bastards have declared war on my girl,Gabs. Pobresita. Any idea how hard it is to remove splinters from a 2 year old drama queen in complete hysterics? It is absolutely exhausting , for all involved. Did I mention she had 6 splinters in 2 days? Oh my, hate to say it but its looking more and more like she will be wearing gloves and socks and shoes all summer long. The trauma the splinters are causing is too much.
I’ve also have to confess that I saw a blog the other day titled something like A Mommy blog that is about more than just complaining! WTF?? Seriously? I don’t spend all my blogging time complaining. I try to be truthful, it’s not all sunshine and roses but its not all dark clouds and doom either. I think its pretty shitty that she would just assume that all other Mommy Blogs are riddled with complaining! I think that she is kinda a douche!
I’m also going to be honest about the fact that the crappy monsoon weather coupled with the bitter cold has had me in a funk. I’ve pretty much not felt like leaving the house and my children have been working my very last nerve. Oh yeah, tonight my 2 year old decided to piss my bed. She wasn’t sleeping when it happened. I asked her why and her answer was this ,”Actually, I made up my mind and I did it!” What? First of all, where did the “Me” go? Usually, its “Me, this or Me that”. And why so defiant today? Why you gotta kick Mommy when she’s down? Couldn’t she have taken this stance about something like human rights, or the ethical treatment of animals, becoming the first woman president…why just randomly pissing on my bed?? What did I do to deserve the honor of being her first decided asshole maneuver? After much probing, she changed her answer to say that she couldn’t get in to the bathroom so she peed my bed. Seriously, did she just think to herself…”Hey, Mommy’s bed kinda looks like a toilet. I think I will piss there!” Yes, this has been the kind of day it has been. I’d say its been shitty, but I guess its really been pissy.
Screw you non complaining Mommy blogger..you’re just not complaining because either you are in denial or you are an effing LIAR!!! That’s right, I can say that…its my blog!
Once again, it is Truthful Tuesday. I am being truthful today about the fact that this Tuesday I will be in a right terrible mood. Why,you ask? Today is the first day in a long line of days of when my husband will be working a new job, out of town. What this means for me is that I will miss my husband, whom I actually like and will miss seeing every day. I know some couples are good with seeing each other only a few days a week but we have always been a very close couple and he is a very hands on Daddy. That leaves me lonely, busy, and probably quite crazy by the end of every week.I am not looking forward to Never getting a break within the 24 hours. I am a little scared of the ramifications it will have on my girls. Thank God we will see him at the end of every week, and that will truly be something to look forward to but that leaves me , the dancing monkey, trying to fill the space and time that will be left by his absence. We’ve done this before and it didn’t work out very well. There were meltdowns galore, tantrums, crying spells, misplaced anger and confusion and that is nothing to say of what it did to the children:) So , my confession today is that I will miss my husband terribly and , hoping not to sound ungrateful, I hope that something closer turns up sooner than later. I’d much rather have him close and here to kiss good night every night and for my girls to have him to run to every evening when he gets home from work with excitement and wonderment in their eyes (because to them Daddy is simply amazing).Today my confession is that I will miss my husband, my best friend, more than I am allowed to tell him for fear that he will feel bad about having to go. So, I am telling you girls to get it off of my chest.Happy Tuesday!
It’s Tuesday once again. Time for us to unload some of the things weighting us down in life. No judgment, just an ear to bend, a shoulder to cry on, and a helpful hand to help you up when you feel as if you have fallen in the proverbial crap of life. I missed last week, but I need to expunge today!
Let’s start by confessing that I am a miserable sick person. When I am sick, I just want to be left alone in a dark room to sleep it all away. Just let me sleep for a week straight with nothing but liquids pushed under the door to keep me alive. I know I’ve been cranky and grouchy with the girls.Hell,I even called my husband at work 3 states away to unleash my miserableness on him. Not my proudest moment. Sorry. I even bit my brothers head off, who is visiting and helping me with my girls this week. I am truly a wench!
I also would like to confess that it’s a little embarrassing walking around town with my little brother (who is 19) and my 2 girls because people are looking at us as if 1) he is my “boyfriend or husband” and I am a friggin cradle robber .Ewww, gross! Or 2) I am his Mother! Which is equally as EWWWW, because it makes me feel not only old but like I was promiscuous in my early teen years, to boot. Which I don’t really care about now except for how hard I worked to obtain that ‘Good Catholic girl’ image back then. The worst part is either way you slice it..it makes ME feel old!
Next, this list could go on for days this week, I am about to tear my hair out with all this crap I am having to do by myself. It is making me feel overwhelmed and like I can’t accomplish anything I start, like I am a loser! I know I usually bite off more than I can chew (its the nature of the beast) but I muddle through , spread myself as thin as possible, and I get it done. That’s me!It’s how I work. But this week, for some reason, I feel like a bumbling idiot who can’t get anything done. My husband is encouraging me to eliminate some of my extracurriculars with the girls, so I don’t have a meltdown. I get insulted that he thinks I can’t do it all. WTH is going on with me? He may be right, at least this week. I’ve worn myself, metaphorically, paper thin and one wrong pull may be the one that breaks me down.
Thank God for Truthful Tuesdays and wonderful friends.If it weren’t for your emails, phone calls, texts, comments and unconditional love and support…I’d have hit my breakdown threshold a long time ago!
OK, Ladies it is Tuesday and time for all of us to expunge all the crapola on our minds..lighten our load by getting rid of all that Mommy guilt! Move back, I am really about to unload and I don’t want any of you to get hit by all the shit that will be flying.
1) I really hate Mommy guilt. It is a useless emotion, it serves no purpose, and it only incurs more guilt. From the comments I received on my last post, I’d say I may have contributed to a few of you feeling some pangs of guilt. So, forgive me and don’t feel guilty about not getting that baby book up to date. Feel great that you are so engaged with your children that you have NO frigging time to sit on your ass and organize a baby book. You girls rock!
2) In the spirit of throwing the Mommy guilt out of the window, I HATE that I don’t take my kids outside nearly as much as I should because its too frigging hot. I know that is no excuse but I do make sure they are engaged and active. They have been working out with me. Plus, we still do fun stuff. For example, today we pitched a hello kitty tent, dressed in our finest dress up dresses, snacked on homemade granola and watched Shirley Temple’s “The Little Princess” ( yeah, I know it is as old as dirt but its wholesome and its based on one of my favorite books in the world..Sara Crewe!) The girls loved it. The only reason I feel any guilt at all about this staying indoors is because a nosy old neighbor came over the other day, introduced herself( yes, I had never met her before), and said ” Why don’t you have your girls outside that often?” As I found myself explaining that I don’t fancy letting a 3 & 5 year old loose in a yard unsupervised and I have things to do inside ( like clean, and work…I actually have a job online), I saw that disapproving look in her eyes and then she said. “Well, if they ever need to get out and play and you are BUSY ( I could so hear the implied too before the busy)….come get me. I can push them on the swing set.” Nice old lady? I think not.As if I am going to leave my girls outside under the supervision of some crazy old lady. Hey, being 100 isn’t a background check. I don’t know you! But she did leave me feeling like a complete shit. Here is an , albeit complete stranger, old lady chomping at the bit to push my kids on the swings and I am “too busy”. I felt like dirt.
3) I love when I get more followers and comments, it feels empowering and I feel like I am secretly moving towards my goal of being a published writer. SHhhhhh,lalallalala..I can’t hear you. I know you are thinking to yourself..it’s just a blog…get a grip! I know, but one has to start somewhere. Ponder this, the entity that is Dooce started with a blog.
4)I love my girls so much and worry on a daily basis that I a fucking them up. You know sort of like how a car starts depreciating the moment it leaves the lot..well, I feel like due to my inexperience, my kids are depreciating every second since they left the womb. Lord give me guidance and help me to keep them safe, healthy, and happy…..and to give them the world! No pressure or anything.
5)With full disclosure, I must add. I have been known to roar, complain,labor, on the fine points of Motherhood. For the last couple of weeks, some new power has come over me. I am not complaining, I’m just a little freaked out by it. I have actually found myself being able to remove myself from the moment, think, and then react. It’s quite amazing. I do, in that respect, feel like a much better Mommy. Remember, just last month I was roaring at the girls. The only thing is now..I’m waiting for my super power to leave and all hell to break loose! No judging, Judgy McJudges. This is a place to get it out and get it off your chest. Not a place to be analyzed. Happy Mothering!
P.S. Did I forget to mention how awful I feel that I have clean laundry folded and stacked up to the ceiling( Not really, but it feels like it)! I swear I’d put it away…if there were any room left !! I feel like I am playing a losing game of musical laundry, every time I have people over I have to find somewhere to ‘hide’ the laundry. I have a play date tomorrow, guess Mommy’s closet will be bursting. Note to self, shut your bedroom door before company arrives.
Good Friday my friends! I am blog hopping like a madwoman. I have a goal of 1000 followers by my Birthday September 25 and I’m only a little over half way there. So, please stay awhile and become a follower:)
Also, I wanted to remind everyone that Tuesday I start my Be a Better ME (YOU) Challenge and I hope you can all link up. It will be a month long and we will all feel better for it.I promise!Expect a vlog post on Tuesday!
Next, I have a badge for all PROUD MOMMY BLOGGERS. If you are a mommy and a blogger, please swipe the bade code from my side bar and wear it proudly on your blog. The goal is to get it out to all Proud Mommy Bloggers. SO pass it on to anyone you think might want it! Happy Mothering, my friends!
We will resume ot our normal schedule tonight! I have not abandon you! Road trip today to Davenport. I am sure I will have lots to tell you tonight! P.S. Truthful Tuesdays, I was running around like a maniac..so here goes…. Sometimes,hmmmhmm, wish my husband could calm down a little and not stress so much. I know, pot calling the kettle black!
Wish I was a better Mommy! Feeling like I don’t do nearly enough constructive things with the kids. Decided to make schedule! We will see if that helps! I promise to limit tv to a minimum.
Thats mine. See ya all tonight!!!
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