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Perfect Parenting is Perfect Bullshit

by Deborah Cruz

Perfect Parenting~Perfect Bullshit I know all of us try,to our best capabilities,  to be the best parent we can be. We want others to look at us and say “Wow! That Mom really has her shit together!” More importantly, we need to feel that our kids know that we are doing everything right. We want to do our best for them.I know I try my hardest to achieve a certain level of parenting proficiency.I’ve always been a perfectionist,so parenting was also approached with perfection as the ultimate goal. Perfect children? Perfect Mommy? Perfectly simple? Perfectly happy? That was the part that I hadn’t figured out yet.


Here I am, 6 years later with 2 gorgeous daughters who I think are absolutely perfect, to me. I, on the other hand, am not. I’ve been known to lose my temper and yell. I know, shocking right? I’ve found myself at a loss, stranded in a room completely overwhelmed with no direction and these two perfect beings tap dancing an Irish jig all over my very last nerve. These moments make me feel like the most unqualified parent in the world. After all, what kind of mom doesn’t think her kids are sunshine and rainbows all day, every day? Probably more than would like to admit it , that’s who.

www.motherhoodthetruth.com,perfect parenting~perfect bullshit

Then it hit me.Parenting is not what I am unqualified for. I am unqualified to try and parent by stringent, ridiculous parenting standards. My girls need me to be a Mommy to them.I’m not getting a grade. There’s not some secret Mommy board of directors who is keeping an ever knowing, all seeing big brother eye on my every move to validate whether or not I follow the approved guidelines. It’s the girls, myself and what works for us.

I know there is most certainly others judging me when my 3 year old has a complete meltdown on Sunday nights over which panties she wears and I give in. But they don’t realize that her Daddy has left every single Sunday night for the past year and she has a hard time dealing with it, she is only 3. She’s sad and panties are not the problem,they are a symptom. Missing her daddy is the real issue but looking from the outside. How could you know?

When my 5 year old had such a difficult time at the beginning of the school year because she had no friends and cried about it for weeks, people looked at me like I was a moron for letting her get so worked up about something so inconsequential. What they didn’t know is that we had to relocate last year and she had to leave behind her school and all of her friends half way across the country.And that was the second time in a years time. I let her overreact about the situation this year because she needed to feel her feelings. It was my job to let her feel them, no judgment and try and help her move through them.She’s thriving now but anyone looking from the outside looking in would have thought I was raising drama queens.

The day that I popped off at the girls for asking me to go to the park for the 37th time and my friend looked at me like I was monster, it hurt and was an embarrassing moment in my Mommy history. What she didn’t know was that it was the 37th time they had asked, I had already told them no because they were misbehaving and they had been at that park yesterday for 2 hours.Not to mention, I parent alone 5 days a week and if you’ve never had to do this you can’t understand how difficult it really is.No one knows these things if they are not told.

www.motherhoodthetruth.com,perfect parenting~perfect bullshit

Bottom line, my job is to be a good parent to my girls. For me, being a good parent means loving my girls unconditionally, supporting them in their endeavors, raising them with values and manners and doing my best to let them know the real me. I want them to look back on their childhood and know “My parents loved me”, they nourished my soul, my mind and my body. I don’t want to hide the real me from them.I don’t want them to hide who they are from me. There is no such thing as perfect parenting, that is perfect nonsense. We need to strive for parenting in a way that is perfect for our own children, whatever that may be.

www.motherhoodthetruth.com,perfect parenting~perfect bullshit

What is your perfect parenting style? What parenting “guideline” do you feel is completely obsolete in your parenting world? What parenting technique would you never use? Which parenting technique would you be lost without?

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Krysta MacGray 2011/04/26 - 2:15 pm

I really like to analyze my kids personality types. It sounds strange, maybe, but it helps me understand them and know how to better help them and be who they need me to be in a given situation. I just hate that people judge other peoples parenting style although i am definitely guilty of this myself. I think you are right. You be the best you can be and do what works with your family. It won’t be the same for everyone.

A Mommy in the City 2011/04/26 - 2:41 pm

People are always quick to judge. I just do what is best for Harlan and really could care less what others think. Harlan had a meltdown on the bus today on our way home over a pen not working to draw. She was screaming at the top of the her lungs. People stared and gave me dirty looks. I just looked the other way and let her be. Once she realized I was ignoring her she stopped. The looks from others didn’t stop though. I just brush it off and try not to let it get to me. You are a great mom and have gone through a lot with those girls!!! Keep up the good work mama!!

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/26 - 11:32 pm

Good for you, girl!You’ve got it all right. it should be all about what works for you and Harlan. You are her mother, you love for her is immeasurable. People who judge make me want to Throat Punch them. The only way to be a good parent is to make sure that you are focusing on the child and not these ridiculous standards that no one can keep. Believe me if the textbook standard of parenting is being followed to the tee, you can be sure something is lacking somewhere else. You are a great mama to Harlan. You will see what a fabulously grounded woman she will become and it will be thanks in large part to you, my friend.

Perfecting Parenthood 2011/04/26 - 3:16 pm

Geez, I wish you’de have picked a different name for the post — I though you were angry with me.

You countered your own headline by defining perfection. A hammer is perfect for pounding nails, but a screwdriver is perfect for driving screws. Switch the two and both are far from perfect. You said it right when you talk about being perfect for your own children … I think you can strive for perfection there (except you’ll still never reach it).

I wrote a post about how I decided on a parenting style, which is basically to imagine how I think my child should end up as an adult. Then I act accordingly.

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/26 - 4:27 pm

OMG,I would never be angry with you:) That is so funny that you said that.It does look very close to your name.
You make good points.W can all only be the best parent we can to the kids we have, the rest is indeed, bullshit.

Michelle (Addicted2Shius) 2011/04/26 - 3:30 pm

I think you are an awesome mommy, such an inspiration to us all. You know often times I struggle with trying to be the perfect mommy, primarily because I’m a stepmom raising my stepkids as my own. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be what is expected out of me. Only to realize there really aren’t any expectations but for me to be there for them in their real mother’s obvious absence. I try my best daily to teach them and guide them as my mother did me. They may not always understand, and bystanders may not always agree. But what I have to remember is that it is my family and my responsibility and as long as my children all know they are loved and to love then that’s all that matters. I think the best we can do is shape their confidence and teach them respect and manners, and they will be fine.

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/26 - 11:28 pm

Are you trying to make me cry? *sniff*Sniff* Thank you for your extremely generous words of encouragement. I think that Step Mothers probably have it the hardest,thanks to the damn fairy tales, yet you have to be a stoic group of women to persevere.I also think it is highly commendable that step mothers can come in and love, or at least really try to love, another woman’s child with the heart of a mother. I think that says a lot about a woman’s character to even take on such a task.You are an amazing lady and your heart is so big. Those children are lucky to have such a wonderful and positive role model who loves them so much. God bless you mama!

Breann 2011/04/26 - 4:04 pm

Bravo! Bravo!

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/26 - 11:19 pm

Thank You!Thank you!:)LOL

XLMIC 2011/04/26 - 5:04 pm

This is really wonderful. I pretty much always feel that way when I read your blog 🙂 Your girls are just lovely!

My perfect parenting style? lol In my dreams, you must mean… to be patient yet firm. Staying cool and rational yet being passionate and loving. God, it’s so hard. It is like living an oxymoron 😛

Well-balanced meals are obsolete in my parenting world. I also neither negotiate (one extreme) nor physically intimidate or hurt (other extreme).

I would be lost without humor… without the ability to let things go… without the skills to determine which ‘battles’ are worth fighting.

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/26 - 11:19 pm

Thank you so much for such kind words. I am glad you feel that what I wrote was “wonderful”. I love that my blog can be a place for other Moms to come and know they are not alone in this craziness. You made my year:)
As for your parenting style, you hit it on the head for me almost exactly. Of course, this is what i aspire to be. ON some days I actually adhere to all of them and on others,I fall drastically short. We all try our best and I think as long as we are keeping them healthy, safe, predominantly happy and they know without a doubt that they are unconditionally loved, the rest will fall into place.Happy Mothering,my friend!

StephanieinSuburbia 2011/04/26 - 9:47 pm

This post couldn’t come at a better time for me. I’m struggling like CRAZY with this issue because my 17 month old isn’t walking and while I KNOW in my heart it has nothing to do with me or my parenting, I know I’ve been nothing but encouraging of her development, I feel embarassed each time I have to watch her crawl around on the driveway outside or I carry her from swings to slide on the playground. It’s a tough balance. Those kids are BEAUTIFUL, though, so you’re doing something right!

Truthful Mommy 2011/04/26 - 11:13 pm

Awww, thanks so much for your kind words. I know that sometimes mothering can get overwhelming. You sound like you are an amazing Mama. You love your daughter enough to carry her when she can not walk. You are giving her the encouragement and love that she needs. She can feel that.It’s unconditional, she knows that she is loved and really isn’t that what it’s all about? As for being embarrassed, think of it this way…you don’t know these people and even if you do..NONE of those people are more precious than your girl. In the long run, other people’s opinions don’t matter. At the end of the day, you answer to yourself and your only responsibility is to that baby girl of yours. She’ll be walking soon enough and then she’ll be running, and you’ll wish she was still crawling.Is peak from experience:) The beginning always feels slow and hard but believe me, once they start walking, it goes too fast and before we know it, they are packing up for college. Deep breaths and enjoy that sweet girl of yours. *Hugs to you sweetie*

Heather 2011/04/27 - 9:20 am

I’m still not sure what my “perfect” parenting style is but I can feel your pain! By the standards of many mommy olympians, I am a failure with a short temper. But while I have my husband in the home during the week, he works nights, leaving me to parent alone most of the time the kids are up AND keep them from waking him and starting a family war.

It’s just this week that I’ve started to feel peaceful and effective at parenting. Who knows if it’ll last, but I’m not yelling as much and I’m getting better results. That doesn’t mean I didn’t snipe at my 5 year old just a bit when she woke up during my morning quiet time and just would NOT be quiet! Hey, I’m a work in progress!

You can tell from the pics that you’re doing a pretty okay job raising the girls, they look happy and healthy!

Becky 2011/04/27 - 8:42 pm

LOVE “I’m not getting a grade”. What a “perfect” post, always speaking the truth. I love it!

Greg 2011/06/14 - 5:14 pm

maybe being a good parent is about the children whereas being a “perfect parent” is all about us…????

Parenting 2011/06/29 - 4:59 pm

[…] No Comments by Truthful Mommy TweetI’ve been spending a lot of time lately mulling over what makes a good parent? More importantly, what constitutes bad parenting? I just can’t can’t seem to get away […]


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