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The Inconvenient Truth about Patrick Crusius, Guns and Racism in America, el Paso, Texas, gun control, mass shootings

I went to church this morning and I prayed for all of us. After the mass shootings in El Paso, Texas by Patrick Crusius that left 20 murdered in cold blood and dozens injured, I was feeling hopeless and then intense anger. A wave of anger that I haven’t felt since Sandyhook. It’s rage. If you’re indifferent to this violence or you’re not enraged enough to be motivated to act, why? Help me to understand your silence. Why are guns and racism still plaguing our nation? This is the inconvenient truth about Patrick Crusius, guns and racism in America.

At mass, I prayed for the families of all the people murdered this week by mass shooters. Yes, there was one every single day this week. Day after day, I got an alert on my phone and every day, I prayed. I prayed for all of you, to keep you safe. But the time for just praying has passed. We need action to protect our children.

READ ALSO: The Children of Sandyhook

As much as I love my country and my God, he can’t do everything. We’ve got to do our part. This keeps happening because we let it. We value our guns over other people’s lives. We have a million excuses why we should keep our guns, rather than change our behavior and save the lives of innocent people. Change is uncomfortable but isn’t the sacrifice worth it? People are hanging on to their guns like they’re their security blankets. They’re not.

For years, I’ve been clear on my stance on guns. I don’t like them. I hate them. They are dangerous because people are dangerous. People cannot be trusted to behave like responsible adults. They can’t be trusted to respect their fellow humans. People may pull the trigger but bullets from guns are what kill people. Those who allow this to keep happening are culpable. End of story.

READ ALSO: The Collateral Damage of Hate

I grew up with guns. Guns are for hunting and protecting, not killing and maiming the people you don’t like. You’re not allowed to grab your gun, take your sick mind full of hatred and anger and shoot at will. That’s not how this is supposed to work.

The right to bear arms was established at a time when we needed people to take up arms to defend our country against the enemy when we had no regulated or established military. The right to bear arms was not put into law to be used as a scapegoat for every low life lacking self-esteem and hating the world. Every prejudiced person with no friends should not be allowed to amass large quantities of ammunition and guns to shoot innocent people. Yes, innocent people.

READ ALSO: Zero Tolerance for Immigrants is Zero Tolerance for Humanity

Because a person is not like you, does not make them a criminal. Shopping at Walmart is not a criminal act. Attending a music festival should not mean gambling with your life. Going to church should not make you a sitting target and dancing and celebrating at a bar, should not mean that you are relinquishing your right to life. Our military fights abroad to keep us safe and free at home, not so crazed gunman can viciously murder us from within.

The real Inconvenient Truth about Patrick Crusius, Guns and Racism in America

I’ve been clear on my stance for years and I’ve prolifically called for us all to stand up for gun control for our children. I know that guns will never be banned but we need stricter control over who can get those guns, how many they can have at a time, how much ammunition they can buy, how those guns can be modified and where, when and why they can be used. There need to be consequences for breaking those mandates and a psychological evaluation made mandatory for every single person who wants to purchase a gun, of any kind, even a hunting rifle.

I’ve never minced my words but today, I am speechless. I am angry. I am disgusted and prayers are simply not enough. Yes, I too believe that through God all things are possible. I believe in the power of prayer but I also, firmly and absolutely, believe that God helps those who help themselves. We need to help ourselves. We need to take responsibility for our children’s safety by standing up for the right things. I don’t think any parent ever, under any circumstances, would choose a gun over their own child’s life under any conditions.

READ ALSO: Dear America

I am disgusted by all of these acts of domestic terrorism. But last night, when I read Patrick Crusius alleged hate-filled, anti-immigration manifesto, my anger hit a new level. It turned to rage. It spoke of a “Hispanic invasion of Texas.” It detailed a plan to separate America into territories by race. It warned that white people were being replaced by foreigners. Again, maybe this ignorant piece of racist garbage doesn’t know his history but Texas used to belong to Mexico. We were there first.

READ ALSO: What to do when Racism happens to your child

20 people were murdered on a Saturday morning and dozens injured for no other reason than Patrick Crusius was a small-minded, ignorant man, with a hate-filled heart who drove 10 hours to murder Mexicans. And he was able to do it because it’s so easy to get access to guns in the United States. A mother protecting her 2-month old son. Dead. An infant whose parents are left behind to live with the pain of the loss of a child. Dead. 18 more innocent people dead because this monster lives during a time where racism, bigotry and misogyny are not frowned upon but encouraged by our current state of affairs.

Patrick Crusius is only part of the problem. Guns and Racism in America are the disease.

How are we, any of us, but especially people of color supposed to feel safe when the color of our skin, our last names, the religion we follow is enough to make small men not only want to murder us but able to get a gun and do so?

We need good people, those who value all human life, who believe in freedom and equality in our country to stand up against the terrorists within our nation’s borders. Everyone is so focused on keeping the brown people out that you are locking us in with hate-fueled, narrow-minded, homegrown terrorists and giving them guns at will. How are any of us supposed to survive this?

 

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sandy hook elementary, adam lanza

sandy hook elementary, adam lanza

Sandy Hook Elementary We pray for you

Will we ever feel safe again sending our kids off to school in the wake of  the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre? Adam Lanza’s assault on our nation’s children has left many of us feeling the way we did post 9/11, defeated, vulnerable and afraid. But this is much worse because this brutal attack was carried out against the most innocent of us all, small children. Victims who were small children just like my daughters who are 5 and 7.

Sandy Hook Elementary is what my nightmares are made of. What every mother’s nightmares are made of really. This morning, it was all I could do to get my girls dressed and take them to school. I wanted to keep them home, safe, with me. I got them dressed. I lingered a little longer than normal while brushing their hair. I sat with them at breakfast instead of scurrying around trying to tidy up the house. I walked them into school and to their class rooms where I hugged them and kissed them until I had to let go. I told them I loved them and then I walked back to my car with a heavy heart. I drove home, I walked through the door and I sobbed. I am afraid.

What happened at Sandy Hook Elementary can happen anywhere.

We spoke to our girls about what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary because we knew they would hear about it at school.My girls are only 5 and 7 and I shouldn’t be having to have this conversation but when crazy people armed with guns can walk into a school and start shooting, I would be failing my children if I did not prepare them; have a contingency plan in place for such an event. What kind of world do we live in that we need to have a contingency plan for what to do if a crazed gunman comes into our children’s school? Has the world gone mad?

How will any of us ever feel safe again? Something has got to change.Adam Lanza was a man with mental illness who had much too easy access to guns. I’m hearing people say that the right to bear guns is a fundamental right. They are saying the issue is mental illness not gun control. Mental illness played a part in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, that is for certain but placing blame on just the mental illness serves no purpose but to further stigmatize those afflicted. The issue is that it is too easy for people to access guns. The world is flooded with weapons. Guns are used for one purpose; to kill.People may make the choice to kill someone, but the gun is the method of destruction. Take away the gun and it gets a hell of a lot harder to kill someone.

A gun allows cowards the luxury of standing back and detaching themselves from the heinous crimes they commit. Discharging a gun is less personal than using a weapon that forces a perpetrator to be within a closer proximity to their victim, making it more personal. A semi-automatic is certainly going to make it easier and less stressful to murder small children. I hardly could believe that Adam Lanza, a coward who killed himself instead of facing the effects of what he did, would have been able to kill 27 people had, especially children, had he needed to look into their eyes and see their fear and hear them beg for mercy in their tiny voices.

I will never feel safe again, every time I watch my children walk away in the rear-view mirror, I will be wondering if that will be last time.

Will You ever feel safe again after what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary?

 

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Nakia Jones, Alton Sterling, gun control, cops gone rogue

I just watched the videos of the murder of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile and I am sick and disgusted. I am fucking angry. Why does this keep happening? Why do we live in a world where it is acceptable, with only a slap on the wrist, for cops to kill people for nothing more than being black? Where we are actually considering actively electing a blatant racist to the highest office of our government and where the right to own a gun is more important than the right to live? What the fuck, America?

As a human being, I cannot process the news lately and I can’t understand how intelligent people can keep allowing this to happen. The saddest part of all, none of this is new and that is what disappoints me the most. We’re a nation stuck on stupid and those of us who know better need to work harder, scream louder, fight stronger and stand together to stop this from happening again….and again….and again. I don’t want to live in this loop of senseless death and disregard for human life any longer. I am angry. I am past sad and have gone directly to furious.

Alton Sterling, a 37-year-old black man, was standing in the parking lot selling CDs, as he had for years, when two cops, officers Blane Salamoni and Howie Lake, arrived on Tuesday night in response to a 911 call about a man threatening someone with a gun.

Only Sterling was not brandishing a weapon, according to witness Abdullah Muflahi. Sterling did have a gun on him (but isn’t that what all the Second Amendment supporters have been fighting for?) but it was concealed in his pocket and not in his hand. By Wednesday morning Sterling was dead after a jumpy cop unloaded his weapon into his chest and protesters were in the streets of Baton Rouge.

Update: Not even 24 hours later, Philando Castile was shot dead in the driver’s side of his car after being pulled over for a broken taillight in Falcon Heights Minnesota. When he was told to present his license and registration, he disclosed that he was licensed and carrying a concealed weapon. Before he knew what had happened, the cop fired on Philando Castile. His fiance Diamond Reynolds Facebook lived the aftermath. Castile was left sitting in the car dying, the cop still had his gun drawn on the car with the woman and her 4-year-old child still sitting in the car. Mr. Castile was guilty of nothing. His only offense was being born black. What is this world coming to?

The thing is that is not enough. It can’t be one group of people or one city, we all need to stand up and say no more; as a nation…as a people…as the human race. We have to put the world on notice that we will allow no more reckless, senseless killings of our sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. No more.

It’s not just about the cops, though there certainly seems to be a God complex that goes along with the protect and serve oath and why are some Caucasian cops afraid of black and brown men? Is it your racism showing? Is it your guilty heart of decades of treating other human beings like animals?

Alton Sterling, gun control, cops gone rogue, Nakia Jones

This problem, it’s about people. It’s about those of us who are allowing this kind of behavior to be tolerated and swallowed whole all the while it’s choking us to death. It’s about the people who are racist and allowed to take an oath to protect and serve a community and given a gun but who only want to protect and serve those who look like them. I thought they gave psychological evaluations before allowing someone to join the force? Are God complexes and racism not grounds for not allowing someone to be an officer?

We can’t wish away this problem. We can’t just talk about it. We need to stand up against it. We need to put ourselves in the line of fire and take a risk to save a nation that is slowly killing itself. Complacency is a fucking disease and it should be a sin because if you are doing nothing to find a solution, you are part of the problem. Your silence is noted. I see you. Just as clearly as I see those who speak up, stand up and fight for better. Everyone sees you and your sin of silence just as clearly as we see those who perpetrate these heinous crimes.

I cried when I saw the video of Alton Sterling being shot twice in the chest and 4 more times. I cried when I saw the video of Philando Castile bleeding out in the front seat of his car in front of his girlfriend and her little girl. I cried because this is the world we live in and this is what we’ve all come to not only accept but expect! I cried because I was angry and sick. I cried because these men were shot in the streets like animals. I cried for their families who lost him; children who lost their daddy. I cried for their parents, brothers and sisters. But mostly, I cried for the sheer terror and betrayal that must have been going through these men’s heads in their final moments when looking up at the very people who are supposed to protect us from the bad people, shooting them dead.

Then, I saw this video of Officer Nakia Jones of Cleveland, Ohio and she gave me hope. Don’t feel hopeless. Do something about it. Watch this video and know that we are all just people. These cops that we hear about shooting and killing our children are not the only ones on the force, there are good guys too. There are officers like Nakia Jones who live their lives to protect and serve their community and they feel as strongly as we do that this is bullshit and has to stop.

Be the change you want to see in the world! If you want to stop the next Alton Sterling from being murdered, challenge yourself to do more than just talk about it and forget about it.

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Jahnisha McIntosh

Throat Punch Thursday,Jahnisha McIntosh

Jahnisha McIntosh my 1 regret is that I have only 1 Throat Punch to Give

I’ve heard of some moms making bad choices, but the series of choices that Jahnisha McIntosh made on March 14, 2012 takes the cake.  I don’t know if I want to cry for what her stupidity has cost her or punch her in the throat for being such a fricking moron in the first place.

TACOMA, Wash. — A mother who authorities say left her 3-year-old son unrestrained in a car after she placed a pistol under the driver’s seat has been charged with manslaughter in the death of the boy, who shot himself in the head while the woman went to get food.

Yes, that is right. Her boyfriend, Eric Vita, the registered owner of the gun got out of the car to go into a gas station, to not cause alarm he took off the gun and handed it to Jahnisha McIntosh. Unfortunately, he didn’t take into consideration that he was handing his loaded weapon to a complete mental midget. She slid the gun under the front passenger seat. Her little 3-year-old boy, Julio Seguro McIntosh, unfastened himself in the parked car and toddled to the front seat to ask his Mommy for candy and picked up the gun. She told the little boy, “No, leave that alone,” and took it away.

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Jahnisha McIntosh

Julio Seguro McIntosh; Would You leave this Baby Alone with a Gun?

Jahnisha McIntosh, “I just want my Baby Back!”

Jahnisha McIntosh promptly removed the loaded gun from the passenger seat and put it under the driver’s side seat, so that little Julio could not reach it. I am not sure if she had a complete lapse of judgment, if she was just that freaking hungry or if she just assumed that Julio had more common sense than she did. She exited the vehicle, leaving the kids alone in the car with a loaded gun, to go inside to get food.

Wait! Listen, my fricking head just exploded!(It’s been doing that a lot this week). She left her unrestrained 3-year-old in the front seat of the car, within arms reach of a loaded gun and bonus…her 8-month-old baby girl was in the back seat. Makes me wonder, did this stupid bitch do this on purpose. Is it possible that anyone could be quite this damn stupid? Was she high? Is she crazy?

Who leaves little kids alone in a car? Hello, they could have been kidnapped, knocked the gear into drive and wrecked or ran over someone else or WORSE! Yes, the worse happened. Julio picked up the gun and shot himself in the head. His sister was unharmed.

Mr. Vita did the responsible thing by leaving the gun with Jahnisha McIntosh; unfortunately, the same can not be said for her. My throat punch goes to Jahnisha McIntosh. As a mother, I can imagine the pain and guilt her heart is feeling for this situation. But also, as a mother, I cannot fathom what the hell would compel a mother to leave her children alone in a car with a loaded gun. How many kids need to be shot by accidental discharges before the gun laws are changed? Julio’s death was the third shooting within 3 weeks in Washington.

Jahnisha McIntosh failure to Parent


What do you think should be the punishment for Jahnisha McIntosh?

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salvador ramos, robb Elementary, uvalde texas, gun control, what happens tomorrow

19 second, third and fourth graders and two adults at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas were gunned down by an armed mass shooter, 18-year-old, Salvador Ramos a student at Uvalde High School. The massacre happened at Robb Elementary School, where children between the ages of 7 and 10 study, occurred at around 11:37 local time, this morning. Ramos was killed at the scene by police.

Uvalde is a small, close-knit community where moms typically walk their children to school. In a town filled with humble, hard-working people with a population of 16,000 residents, nearly 80% of the population is Hispanic.

Ramos bought two assault rifles just days ago when he turned 18. This morning, he shot his grandmother before his massacre at Robb Elementary. While he fled after shooting his grandmother, he got into a car wreck near Robb elementary and then ran into the school and started shooting.

His grandmother is still alive and receiving treatment in San Antonio.

salvador ramos, robb Elementary, uvalde texas, gun control, what happens tomorrow

Again, I am sitting here alone with my thoughts on a day when 19 children were gunned down in a Texas elementary school. Why? How? How do we allow this to keep happening? This morning, 21 families sent their loved ones to school and they will never see those sweet faces again. They will never feel the pull of those little outstretched arms around their necks. Never hear their laughter ring out at something silly. Never get to tuck them in and say good night ever again. Those parents will never get to watch their children grow up and become who they were meant to be because some asshole was able to easily get his hands on guns, walk into a school and snuff out those precious lives. We are all responsible. How many more children have to die? How many parents have to lose the most precious thing on this earth to them before we say no more?

salvador ramos, robb Elementary, uvalde texas, gun control, what happens tomorrow
Xavier Lopez

What makes me the most upset and angry is that 10 years ago ( and many times since) I found myself crying over other people’s children. I send my girls to school every morning since Sandy Hook afraid and praying that when I return to pick them up, they’re still alive. What the fuck kind of country do we live in? A country where Republicans care more in theory about unborn babies than they do about the safety of those children already living? A country where we believe it’s a political decision what women can and can’t do with their bodies, where we don’t respect a woman’s right to govern her own body but we believe it’s more important to coddle those who don’t understand the constitution and believe that every person is entitled to the right to bear assault weapons and callously and randomly murder our living, breathing children?

https://youtu.be/dVtMgHmDRio

America, what are we going to do to protect our children? What are you willing to sacrifice to keep your child safe? I don’t know about you but there is nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for mine. Our children go to school every day knowing that an active shooter is just as possible as a tornado. They have drills for both. Our children live in a world where they know that just existing puts them in peril and they know that some of you are willing to make that sacrifice, as long as you can keep your right to bear arms. What about my right to hold my child in my arms? What about every parent’s expectation to live their life loving their child and watching them grow up as we grow old?

My eyes are burning from crying. I held it in all day until my girls went to bed because I can’t let them see how terrified I am. How broken and raw the thought of losing them makes me. How my heart is shattered for the moms and dads who are going to bed tonight knowing that from this day on, their life will never be the same. From this moment on, they will be changed. There will be a hole in their life and a void in their hearts that will ache every minute of every day for the rest of their days. It will never get better. My heart breaks knowing that nothing will change and in a few days, there will be another shooting and someone else’s child will not be coming home and it will go on and on because we let it. Many Robb Elementary parents are still waiting to find out if their children are alive or dead.

No parent should have to lose their child in such a way and we have the power to stop it. We just need to prioritize our children’s lives above a right ( ironically, that was written into the constitution at a time in history when civilians needed to be at the ready to protect their families from enemies domestic and foreign because there was not a big enough army) to bear arms. We are no longer lacking sufficient armed forces. What we are lacking is humanity and general respect for the lives of others.

We don’t need to bear arms we need to raise better humans with fewer guns and more kindness and compassion. We need to condemn hatred and bigotry. We need to care more about people and less about being right or getting our way. We need to love more and be more tolerant of things, people and cultures we don’t understand. We need to destigmatize mental health and make it the norm to seek support. Most importantly, we need to protect our innocent children from being murdered while doing nothing other than existing.

I am angry because this was senseless and preventable. Yes, we could have stopped this. It’s the guns. The guns are readily available to anyone over the age of 18-years-old who wants one and can afford it. You say don’t give guns to the mentally ill. Do you think mentally ill people disclose they are mentally ill when trying to purchase a gun? No, in fact, since we live in a country that stigmatizes mental illness they simply avoid seeking help. That’s the protection plan. They don’t disclose. If the guns were not so easily accessible if it were more difficult to access firearms maybe the children of Sandy Hook would be going into their senior year next year. Maybe the babies at Robb Elementary would be heading off to summer vacations and camps and all the other things that little kids do in the summertime. Instead, 22 families will be planning funerals. 22 families will be crying themselves to sleep. 22 families have been broken like so many countless others at the hands of a man with a gun.

Who shoots little kids? What have they ever done to anyone? What is so wrong in your head to make a person want to shoot up random strangers (helpless children) because whatever is going on in their own lives isn’t easy? Most of us don’t have it easy. Life is hard and made exponentially harder when we have to constantly worry that something tragic and potentially dangerous can happen to any of us at any time, especially in a world that values getting their way over doing the right thing.

So please keep your thoughts and prayers, they won’t bring those babies back and they are of no comfort to those grieving parents. If you want to do something to change the narrative, lay down your guns. Implore your representatives to push for common-sense gun control. No one is hunting with an assault rifle. No one needs an arsenal of weapons at the ready. A child’s brain is not fully developed until 25-years-old, why are we allowing teenagers to buy assault rifles? Unless, an 18-year-old is in the armed forces, being taught how to properly use a weapon to protect his country, there is no reason he needs a gun. And in no world is owning a gun more important than children getting to live and grow up.

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Chicago, Facebook Live, Throat Punch Thursday,Brittany Herring, Hate Crime, Donald Trump

Throat Punch Thursday,guns, sandy hook, valeria levitin

There is so much going on this week. I was not going to post a Throat Punch this week because I wanted some levity and none of us need to feel more down. So, if you don’t want to read about what is about to make my head explode, by all means, please don’t continue on today. I have to write it out because keeping it in is triggering me so I will start with my litany of stupidity int he world now.

First, there is a woman who has written a blog post, which I will most certainly not link to because I refuse to drive traffic to her conspiracy theories, and she is convinced that there is a government conspiracy because the media has not cross examined the only survivors of Sandy Hook. You know the two children and the nurse who hid in the closet for 4 hours who saw unthinkable things and have been traumatized by these events? Maybe the media is being human because if they tried to be any other way, the general public would lynch them. Did you know that there are people who actually exist and believe that the Aurora shootings and the Sandy Hook shootings are nothing more than government orchestrated murders done to further a gun control agenda? Wait. Stop. Re-read that. These are the same people who are stock piling guns and ammunition. They really exist and they are dangerous. I thought conspiracy theorists only existed in the movies with Mel Gibson and in the minds of acute schizophrenics but no, they are alive and well. These are the same people who think that the Holocaust, the walk on the moon, the Kennedy assassination and the death of Elvis, Tupac and 9/11 are all hoaxes orchestrated by the government. I am appalled and shocked and I am afraid.

Valeria Levitin, world's thinnest woman, anorexia

Second, there is a woman in Monaco, Valeria Levitin, who weighs only 56 pounds. She is quite literally a walking skeleton. She is fighting for her life. She is losing. But in a world obsessed with being thin, she is getting fan mail. Do people not realize that idolizing her and cheering her to continue on and share her method of destruction makes them as culpable as cheering “jump” to a person on a ledge. My God, what is wrong with people?

Third, people who are saying that the culprit is not that Adam Lanza was armed but that he was mentally ill. I take a personal offense to these comments. I have a diagnosis. A whole shitload of the world is diagnosed with a mental illness. That does not make us all murderers and we are all more than the sum total of our diagnosis. Adam Lanza was a murdering asshole who had access to guns because there are too many fucking guns in the world. Unless you are a cop or  in the military you don’t need a handgun and if you are hunting, you need a shotgun. If you are none of these, you don’t need a gun. Stop hiding behind your right to bear arms argument. You know what kills people? GUNS in the hands of over zealous, power hungry, vigilantes who think it’s their right to kill in the name of whatever they feel is a threat.

Fourth, People who want to give teachers guns. Teachers are not cops. Teachers go to university to learn to teach our children; to be caregivers. They are people that our children should feel secure to go to not afraid to approach. Believe it or not, guns make some children uncomfortable. That should be their focus. They should not be badged and expected to shoot to kill. That is not their job.If we need security, we need it at the door. We need armed security not teachers carrying guns into the classroom. That is asking for accidental shootings. I’m not afraid of guns, as one reader accused me. I grew up in a house with a gun but I don’t believe in them in households. They have their place and anywhere that a child can get access to and accidentally kill themselves or someone else is not that place.

These are my Throat Punches for this week. Please stop doing stupid shit people of the world. Can’t we all just get along. Pray for the Sandy Hook Elementary victims. Respect the families and survivors, they need love and understanding not conspiracy theories and cross examinations. Love people for who they are on the inside not for superficial first impressions. Show compassion for the mentally ill. They are afflicted and need help, not stigma and judgement. Turn your guns in and keep them out of the hands of bad people who will misuse them. Love your children. Hug them tight and know that your life is blessed because they are in your arms and not in a grave. Tell your child’s teacher thank you for keeping your child safe when they are in their care. Give thanks for your blessings, for they are many. Happy holidays. I truly wish you all love, happiness and safety.

If you want to do something, commit a random act of kindness or #26acts of kindness to honor the victims of Sandy Hook elementary.

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what its like to have an eating disorder, are eating disorders hereditary, skinny, vanity, weight loss, are eating disorders genetic? , raising girls, tweens, eating disorder, bulimarexia, eating disorders, anorexia, weight

Ever wonder what it’s like to have an eating disorder? It’s sad. If the eating disorders don’t kill you, the loneliness will. As I stood there looking in the mirror, facing the truth of my anorexic reflection I realized that I hated what I saw. As long as I could remember, I had never liked what I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Sure, if I tried really hard I could find one thing that was tolerable. One thing that was passable as average, but mostly I disgusted myself. The eating disorders had taken hold of me and now I was down the rabbit hole and sinking faster and faster into some alternative universe where nothing made sense and everything was upside down.

READ ALSO: Are Eating Disorders Genetic?

Logically, I knew that the khakis that I wore to work were so big that I had started wearing long johns under my uniform just to appear larger than I was which was ironic because I was severely restricting what I ate in order to lose weight.

I know what it’s like to have an eating disorder. I knew I was anorexic. It wasn’t a secret to me.

On some level, I knew that I was severely underweight but I wasn’t going to admit it, not even to myself. Admitting that I was at an acceptable weight or below without feeling happy, complete with myself, meant failure; failure at keeping control of my life. I knew that if I lost the tiniest bit of control of the runaway train that was my life, the entire thing would derail.

It’s hard to go full-on all the time. I was going to university full time, working full time, living in a large city away from all of my family and friends. I had bit off more than I could chew but I wasn’t ready to admit that I had eating disorders. I’d rather die than admit failure. Funny how I never knew what that statement truly meant before that very moment.

READ ALSO: Netflix’s Bones realistically portrays life with eating disorders

I’d left behind my entire life; my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I did all of this to run away from my life, thinking that if I got far enough away from it all, everything would work itself out but it didn’t. Feeling out of control and overwhelmed, nothing was working out the way I had planned it to be. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it all back on track so I restricted and micromanaged in the only place I still had complete control; my food. I clung to my eating disorders for dear life, ironic since they were killing me.

Being a girl with eating disorders became the only description of myself that I recognized myself. It defined my existence.

I’d started restricting a couple of years prior but I’d been caught. It was embarrassing and I promised to stop but I never did. I couldn’t. If I would have let the chaos in for a second, my entire world have unraveled and it was pretty much held together by a stick of bubblegum and a prayer as it was so for 8 years, I hid what I was doing. I felt like a fraud.

It was the one secret that I couldn’t share with anyone because they’d try to save me from myself. I didn’t want to be saved. Or maybe I did but I wasn’t willing to turn my life over to someone else to save. I thought I had it under control. I didn’t.

READ ALSO: Eating Disorders Affect More than Just Your Body

I spent my days hiding the real me from everyone who cared about me.  This made me bitter and angry. Why couldn’t they just accept me as I was? Why’d they try to change me? Why must they try to stop me? Didn’t they realize that this was the only thing that had gotten me through? I wore my thigh gap with hard-earned pride, why were they trying to take this small victory from me?

My eating disorders made me feel in control.

I needed to restrict to feel normal and the threat that someone would try to make me stop sent me into personal seclusion, becoming prone to crying inexplicably and blowing up for no apparent reason. Most days, I straddled between the reality of my disease and the delusion that it would all end up fine. Stupidly, I held on to that delusion like I was drowning and it was my only salvation.

READ ALSO: All Little Girls think they’re Fat

To let reality in, to let anyone in, meant to face the fact that I had already lost all control. Then one day, when I was at my bottom, the delusion was sweeping me away and drowning me but reality kept whispering in my ear, “This will be the last time. This is your last chance to save yourself.” That’s when I knew the eating disorders had to end.

I relinquished control. It wasn’t taken from me. I gave it up. My only real choice was that I had to give myself over to something bigger than myself, to be honest, and start fresh. Eating disorders are lonely and isolating. I just wanted to be free of the shackles of the lies. Hopeful, I wanted to live and love and grow old and that was not going to happen if I didn’t give up control of my runaway life. Embracing the chaos and facing my fears was my only option. None of that was going to happen if I was dead.

Eating Disorders will kill you if you don’t stop. Ask for help.

If you know someone who has eating disorders or suspect that your child might be headed down that road, I’ve written a checklist of warning signs that you might not have otherwise known to look for. Eating disorders no matter how inconsequential they may seem at first can quickly spiral out of control. Never ignore the signs because if you do, it may be too late to save your child.

This is just one day in the life of a girl with eating disorders, imagine how hard it is to live that life day after day with no end in sight?

This is what it is like in the day of a girl with eating disorders.

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kevin swanson, fetus graveyard, the pill, birth control

Throat Punch Thursday,Kevin Swanson, birth control, the pill, fetus graveyard

Have you heard of right wing Christian radio host, Kevin Swanson? Well, if you are a woman you may want to commit the name to memory. He is the asshole who has declared war on you for taking the pill. He wants you to know that by taking birth control you have essentially turned your uterus into a fetus graveyard; embedded into your lining are all the babies that could have been. Think of it as the home of babies past; what might have been if you weren’t such a raging, sinning birth control pill popping whore.

kevin swanson, fetus graveyard, the pill, birth control

Kevin Swanson thinks this is what your Uterus looks like x100

I don’t know how unfertilized eggs become mini babies who are forever banished to your uterine lining to haunt you but apparently this is the flavor of crazy he’s peddling. I’m convinced that at the last right wing rally they served some really bad acid that has turned all the right wingers brains into jello or maybe the dead fetuses inhabiting their wives’ uteruses have reached out during marital relations and usurped their brain; right out of the tip of their penises. Sounds ludicrous, right? Absolutely. It’s about as ludicrous as what this asshole is saying on the radio. Too bad his mom didn’t take birth control, and then maybe he could only speak his craziness to his hundreds of tiny, tiny fetus womb mates.

So apparently, Todd Aiken, Paul Ryan, Joe Walsh, Mitt Romney and Terry England are not where the “we want to revoke women’s rights” right wing freak club ends. There is someone out there who has surpassed all of these men in his stupidity, with the exception of Todd Aiken, in my opinion, Mr. Kevin Swanson.

I’m beginning to get some evidence from certain doctors and certain scientists that have done research on women’s wombs after they’ve gone through the surgery, and they’ve compared the wombs of women who were on the birth control pill to those who were not on the birth control pill. And they have found that with women who are on the birth control pill, there are these little tiny fetuses, these little babies that are embedded into the womb. They’re just like dead babies. They’re on the inside of the womb. And these wombs of women who have been on the birth control pill effectively have become graveyards for lots and lots of little babies.

I take a personal offense to this man’s ignorant statement. I have suffered a miscarriage, I know many women who have had lost babies, women who have battled infertility and have taken babies to term only to lose them and this idiot wants to tell me that even though my own body couldn’t carry the baby that I lost, that we so badly wanted, there are many tiny fetuses embedded in my uterus from the few years that I took birth control in college. What’s next? Is he going to blame me and all the mothers who have lost babies or can’t get pregnant for our inabilities because we took birth control at some point in our past?

kevin swanson, birth control, fetus graveyard, the pill

Kevin Swanson; He knows Your Womb Better than You

Seldom do I have a Throat Punch that galls me so much and that is saying a lot since I generally reserve throat punches for people who have either monumentally fucked up in their choices or have down right done something evil. Of course, Kevin Swanson is not the first right-winger to try to squash women’s rights and I’m sure he won’t be the last.

There are a lot of ignorant people in the world and I truly thought I had heard the most insulting men to ever speak out against women during this last election but obviously, I was wrong.

Honestly, if you don’t have a uterus or vagina, I am imploring you to keep your opinions to yourself. I don’t need you in my uterus, especially now that I know there is no room in there anyways.

Mr. Swanson, fuck you and all those like you! My uterus is my business. When you can get pregnant, give birth, be objectified and propertied and suffer a lifetime of being treated with no respect and as a second-class citizen, who people like you believe should be seen and not heard, then you can have an opinion, until then here is a throat punch to shut you up. You are by far one of the dumbest and douchiest of right-wingers that I have yet had the misfortune to hear speak. Do us all a favor and please SHUT THE FUCK UP!

What do you think of Kevin Swanson and his theory on your womb being a fetus graveyard?

 

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seattle school shooting,Bremerton Washington, Amina Bowman, Armin Jahir Elementary, NRA, gun discharge

Throat Punch Thursday,Seattle, school shooting, Washington, Amina Kocer-Bowman,  Armin Jahr Elementary School

Seattle school shooting

Seattle School Shooting ~ You read that right. In case you weren’t already terrified enough of letting your kids out of your sight after Anders Behring Breivik or Levi Aron, nothing like a Seattle school shooting to remind you. According to Bremerton police, Wednesday, 2/22/12, a gun was brought to a Armin Jahr Elementary, in a 9 year old’s backpack.

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hillary clinton, presidential, election, election 2016, donald trump

First, let me start by clarifying that I f*cking love Hillary Clinton. I love what she stands for and the kind of woman she is. I want to be her when I grow up and I choose her for my next president; not because she’s the “lesser of two evils” but because she is qualified, experienced and can get the job done. Hillary Clinton is the only presidential candidate I trust with my daughters’ futures.

Hillary Clinton is a strong, intelligent, determined, experienced and fierce woman. She has come up through the ranks and learned as she has gone along. It’s taken 30 years in many different positions of government but she’s seen a lot of what can and can’t be done, what needs to be done and has had plenty of time to figure out how to make it happen. Most importantly, she will not back down. She will fight for this country and its people with the ferocity that a mama bear would fight for her own child because that’s how she works. It’s personal.

This election is about choosing the best candidate for the job of running our country and for me that is Hillary Clinton. It’s not about popularity or choosing the candidate that makes us feel better about our own bad behavior. It’s not a pissing contest. I know some of you are scared because she bucks the status quo because she is a woman and that’s not what we are used to but as a woman let me tell you, my vagina does not affect my mind. I can do anything any man can do, maybe even better depending on the man, with the exception of pissing standing up. You men have the market on that still. Don’t be afraid to elect Hillary Clinton because she’s a woman.

I know many of you, my friends, are Republicans. Hell, I used to be one myself (long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.) I remember a rally came to my university where George Bush Sr. spoke and I lost my damn mind. You would have thought that Ryan Gosling showed up.

The thing is that was 25 years ago and I have grown up. I’ve also spent many years studying political science and I know a lot more about how politics work and what democracy is really about than most. I know that being conservative is not going to change anything and I want change. This country needs change. The country needs Hillary Clinton.

I am liberal. I want equality for everyone. I believe that men, women, black, white, brown, yellow, green, Jewish, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindi, Latinos, Asians, African Americans, Caucasians, Straight, gay, bisexual and transgender…we are all human and equal as such. I believe every single one of us matters. I know, crazy talk.

I believe that a woman’s body is her domain and no one else has the right to tell her what to do with it. I believe that a baby is a baby at conception but I don’t believe that an unborn baby’s rights trump those of a woman’s right to choose what is best for her, her body and her situation and certainly don’t believe the government has any business in my uterus.

I believe in the right to bear arms, even though I personally would never own a gun. But I also believe in common sense gun control and if you are not deemed fit to fly because you might be suspected of being a terrorist, then I think you shouldn’t be granted the freedom to buy a gun until you are cleared. I believe that the process to be a licensed carrier needs to be more stringent and I also believe that if you are mentally ill, and I say this as someone who has her own diagnosis, you should not be able to own a firearm. Why? Because if not properly treated, you could kill yourself or someone else. It’s a fact. If you are not in your right frame of mind, you can do things you wouldn’t normally do. Add a loaded firearm to the mix and it can be catastrophic.

I believe in immigration laws. My dad was an illegal immigrant at one time. He’s legal now but I’m a first generation Mexican-American and I understand why refugees come to our country; they want a better life. They want the American dream. What you might not understand is that most of those fleeing to the U.S. are not coming to rape and pillage our land, they are coming to escape a terrible situation in a third world country. They are coming to give their children a better life.

Immigration laws need to be logical. You can’t send people back, away from their family and loved ones, away from the only life they’ve ever known to a country that they no longer belong to or want to be a part of. It’s like throwing a lifeline to someone who is drowning and then pulling it away and watching them drown because it doesn’t suit your agenda. These are human beings. A wall is not the answer. It will not keep anyone out. We need to change the process for entry.

The way we are taxed is crazy. Those who make a lot of money are taxed less than those of us who are middle class. This perpetuates a cycle in which none of us can move ahead. It is ridiculous to be a hard working American and still have to live paycheck to paycheck when those who have so much get to keep so much more.

The bottom line is this; I am voting for Hillary Clinton because she is the best person for the job.

The simple fact, all personal feelings aside, Donald Trump is simply not qualified for the position. He has no experience. He is full of ideas (all of which I cannot agree with) but he has no way of bringing any of them to fruition because he doesn’t understand how the political system works. You can’t wish or buy your way through the presidency, not if you want to be an effective president.

I’m feeling a little on edge about this election because I feel like so much is on the line so I just spoke to my dad, an immigrant to this country that he loves, and he told me, “Debi, mija, go vote. Do your part. Stand up for what you believe in but believe that God will guide whoever wins the election to do what’s best for the American people and this great country.” I wish I could have my father’s faith in democracy and the American people.

My dad raised me that all human beings are equal and that this country is the greatest country on earth and it’s a privilege to be able to live under its democratic system. He also raised me to fight tooth and nail for what I believe in and then he sent me to university to study politics so I implore you, please vote for Hillary Clinton tomorrow. Our future, the future of our children and the future of the land of the free and the home of the brave are at stake.

hillary clinton, presidential, election, election 2016, donald trump

Tomorrow morning, I will be at the poll with my daughters and my husband, casting our vote for Hillary Clinton. I hope you will be too. Your vote counts, every single vote counts.

Vote Hillary Clinton

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