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Mommy Truisms

It’s time for a few more of my Mommy truisms.Growing sisterhood through motherhood, one truism at a time! Enjoy.

  • Being a new parent is like high school,everything is life or death and you are certain that each wrong decision will ruin the rest of your life.But in the end, you grow through it, survive it, and become a better version of yourself.
  • Conjugalorium:another word for a co-sleepers unused bedroom.Go ahead, you paid for it.Someone should be using that extra bed.
  • Sometimes kids will get completely naked to use the bathroom.Don’t ask why.You will not receive a coherent explanation.Save yourself the brain hurt.
  • Having children is like walking around the world with an open wound.
  • 8 out of 10 parents co sleep with their children at some point in their childhood; 2 out of 10 admit it!
  • Bending down, using your stern voice and scolding an adult who has wronged you is perfectly acceptable behavior from a mother.

  • When your 3 year old screams incessantly “Me hate you!”, as much as you’d like to say,”Oh yeah, you are NOT my favorite person right now either” hold your tongue.They will hear you.They will remember it and you will pay for your slip for the rest of your life!

  • Cherish your spouse; they are your forever, children are just a temporary horror show.

  • Hiding in the bushes in the dark, in a dark hallway or under the basement stairs and jumping out to scare your kids is perfectly acceptable at Halloween, but only if you have first made sure they are not inflicted with long QT syndrome.
  • Not allowing your child to go on a field trip with 47 children, 2 teachers and NO chaperones is not only a good idea, its pretty much required for safety.

  • Handing children sippy cups, goldfish or cheerios, stopping skirmishes, searching for dropped crayons, holding ice cream cones, changing Barbies & babies, and changing a DVD, lowering or raising the volume, hitting play or wiping clean are all activities that you do in the car that are MORE dangerous to the safety of your children than using your cell phone.

  • Sometimes a spontaneous dance party is exactly what is needed to save the day!

  • There is no such thing as loving on your child too much.Go ahead.Try.I dare you.It can’t be done. Children deserve all the love that you can possibly give to them.

  • Knowing the previous information, NEVER withhold your love from your child as a punishment.If you do, you are the mental defect and should be judged accordingly.

  • Parenthood is an endless succession of minutia, but pay attention, within the minutia is hidden the most spectacular miracles.
Happy Mothering and come back for tonight’s Throat Punch Thursday post.
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I guest posted over at One Savvy Mom over the weekend. I told you all it would be available on Friday but it actually was posted on Sunday so many of you probably missed it. I know how much you all love the Mommy Truism’s so I am re posting them here to share with all of you.

  • Watching your baby be born in a mirror is much like watching a horror movie but holding your baby for the first time is as close to heaven as you will get on earth!
  • Sleep ~ By far, the most important part of EVERY Mommy’s day. 
  • Motherhood is misery laced with profound moments of complete bliss!  
  • Naps~ When babies nap, Mommy MUST nap too or complete collapse will ensue (Mental, physical, and emotional meltdowns are guaranteed).

  • Emotionally the first day of Kindergarten is harder than 13 hours of labor, for Mommy.
  • When your child gets intentionally hurt by another child, survivalist Mommy intuition makes you want to trip, kick, hit, beat, or bite the 3 foot tall offender.
  • For the little sister of a kindergartner, every morning is like sending the kindergartner off to war and every pick up is returning home safe and victorious.

  • Naps ~ Keeping children alive since the beginning of time.
  • 99% of the time, when giving birth… you WILL poop on the table!
  • Watching your child struggle in social situations is like watching them try to learn how to walk for the first time. You stand back and try to see what happens, and then you give them gentle nudges in the right direction, if all else fails, you grab them by the hands and show them how its done.
  • Mommies are the healthy, organic meal that sustains our children; Daddies are the dessert.
  • No matter how you try to prepare yourself, what your age, religion, race, sex, socio-economic standing- the moment you first set eyes on your newborn baby will leave you breathless!
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Just a few more of my Mommy Truisms to brighten your Labor day!

  • Labor is like being stuck in rush hour traffic~annoying, boring,uncomfortable and full of anxiety
  • Delivery is like minding your own business and suddenly being kicked in the head by a unicorn flying overhead~ painful, unbelievable and magical.
  • Watching your child learn/experience something for the very first time is more awesome than winning the lottery and a lot more likely to happen in your lifetime.
  • Vaccinations hurt Mommies 97% more than they actually hurt our children.
  • Listening to what your 3 year old is trying to tell you is so much more important than any phone call, email, television show, chore~all that other stuff will still be there, your 3 year olds childhood will not.
  • Firsts are so hard because they lead to lasts.
  • The first time you leave your child alone with strangers (school, ballet, soccer, gymnastics, daycare) you will cry and feel extreme guilt~ You are NOT a bad Mommy!
  • Guilt is just a side effect of being a great Mommy!
Happy Mothering, my friends!
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With each passing day of Motherhood, I learn more truths about life, motherhood, children, and surprisingly, myself. I’m sure most of you can relate and agree. Some of you may not, but wait, it may be too early in your Mothering to have seen all this come to fruition..but it will.  Happy Mothering!

  • There is no true handbook for labor because no one would believe it.
  • There is no effectively honest handbook about being a Mommy because it is truly an indescribable experience.
  • Sometimes, Mommies just need a hug.
  • Washing your pits, your face, and your feet~ does not a shower make!Make the time Mommies, no one wants to be the stinky mom. And no kid wants to have the stinky mom!
  • Coffee and wine are Mommy versions of reds and Valium.
  • Once you have children, your once beloved pet ( your “first” child) becomes secondary to you and a jungle gym for the kids. No matter how much you loved the dog, no mater how much you spent on doggie clothes, or that Coach doggie collar ( don’t judge me), no matter if that dog even had a middle name and a place at the kitchen table…that dog is now..secondary!
  • Cereal for dinner is perfectly acceptable in a crunch; no Mommy guilt needed. Hell, in a real pinch…string cheese, apple juice, and a piece of peanut butter toast can pass.(that’s what I refer to as the MacGyver dinner) If they are still hungry, give them some cereal:)
  • Kid’s won’t starve themselves; when they are hungry they will eat! Forcing them to eat when they are not hungry is only going to cause chaos, tantrums and unnecessary gray hairs for you.
  • Comparing your children to other children is ridiculous and degrading; don’t do it!
  • A dusty house is infinitely more acceptable than a dirty kid. And there is no excuse for a kid running around in a shitty diaper for prolonged periods of time unless a) your sniffer’s broke b)you are lying dead on the living room floor!
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to fight for yourself as much and as hard as you fight for your children. You are worth it!
  • In Motherhood, most days of life are like a box of chocolates and you never know what great surprise you’re going to get but some days..it’s like a burning bag of shit; and all you can do is take a deep breath, hold your nose and put out the fire.
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prenatal yoga, serenity now, mommy truisms

Mommy truisms ~The truth, the whole truth and nothing but my entire truth. I wish someone would have told me the truth, but I’ m sure I wouldn’t have believed them if they had tried! But no more, I refuse to further take part in the vicious cycle of perpetuating the myth of constant Motherhood bliss by sharing my brutally honest truth about Motherhood!

  • When receiving your epidural during transition labor (first of all, if you are  in transition labor..you’ve missed your window of escaping the ordeal pain free), you certainly do not care what the consequences are of an epidural mishap. Chronic migraines? Possibility of paralysis? Death? Bring it on, at that point anything was better than the pain of my labor!
  • Looking into the eyes of your newborn for the first time is, indeed, a Godlike moment filled with spirituality and you better believe it will change your life forever.
  • A baby changes everything is by far the most honest and underestimated advertising slogan of the century; of all time! Hell yeah; Pregnancy changes everything!
  • No penis ever blacked a fetus’ eye! I promise you, it doesn’t happen ..no matter what your husband wants to believe!
  • Sometimes giving into whining, screaming and tantrums is an absolute must. Do not feel like a failure! Do not beat yourself up over it! Let it go! Serenity now!
  • Mom’s Night out is imperative to your sanity! Do it! Everyone will be happier, your husband will get lucky, and the kids will be glad Mommy has pulled the grouchy stick out of her ass! Trust me, I learned this the hard way!
  • Alone time with your husband is an absolute necessity for the survival of your marriage! Don’t feel guilty, if it weren’t for the love that you two share, those kiddies wouldn’t be here. Love your man, love yourself, love your life and you will be capable of loving your children even more.
  • Sometimes a large glass of wine, after the kids go to bed, is what needs to be done to help you decompress enough to move past all of the chaos of the day. Don’t feel guilty! Keep that damn bottle chilled and when you really need it, uncork it, and sip it until you feel all warm and fuzzy inside and all the shit (literal and metaphorical) from the day falls off of you..like a nightie on your honeymoon.
  • Stay at Home Mom(SAHM) is the most underpaid, overworked, 24/7 job that a woman can ever undertake. It will let you know what you are really made  of. It’s the only job that will take you from the throes of hell to the gates of heaven within a 24 hour period and sometimes simultaneously.
  • Mommies who work outside of the home, they have double the work. We SAHM Mommies may be envious at times because they get to leave the house for a few hours, but then they have to deal with the guilt of leaving their children plus come home and do what we do all day…in 4 hours. So, cut each other some slack, its hard all the way around. There’s no getting around it; raising healthy, happy, intelligent,independent,  socially responsible humans is a lot of hard work! But I believe its worth it because in the end, no money can substitute for what a random “Me Love you MOMMY” feels like. That is priceless!

What are your mommy truisms?

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Here are a few more of my Mommy truisms;

  • Incessant whining can literally cause insanity. I know…I’ve seen it happen!
  • Tantrums are kinda funny, unless they are in public..or its your kid.
  • Spanking children is unacceptable, timeouts are worthless, but threatening that the cops will come works every time in my household.
  • Daddies can change diapers, bathe kids, wipe asses and noses, brush hair and teeth, read books and play with and dress our kids just as well as we can; they just don’t because we  NEVER ask. Relinquish control ladies. You will thank me later!
  • In reference to the previous truism, if Daddy doesn’t perform up to your (probably impossible) standards..Try , try again. If you don’t..that’s what he wants!
  • Grandparents are priceless; live it, love it, learn it!
  • Cheerios, Cheez its, & Goldfish are not acceptable as the norm in your car, your floor , or your bed…it’s nasty. Even if another single adult never gets into your mini van, SUV, Mommy taxi…eventually, you will have to hit a drive thru and some snarky , pimply faced 16 year old will be using you as a cautionary tale. Come on, you don’t want to give them the satisfaction. We already have to live down the whole “MOM Jeans” thing.
  • Even if your kid says “no”, even if you are tired of arguing..brush their hair!You’re the parent and you will be that mom!
  • If you ever want your kids to enjoy religion, please take them to church as children. Learning faith as an adult is so much harder than instilling faith into the heart of a child. It’s like trying to convince an adult that Santa is real!
  • Breastfeeding before your milk comes in, is like spending the day with an insatiable piranha.
  • Labor doesn’t feel like a big cramp (WTF? What crazy drugged out person said this?). It feels a lot more like an angry Ghoulie trying to stab his way out of your lower abdomen with lightening speed and a very dull butcher knife!
  • The ring of fire…well, they don’t relate it to hell because it feels good. It feels like exactly what they call it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want fire anywhere near that region of my body..ever.

Last but not least for tonight,

  • You don’t forget the pain of childbirth…EVER! Those broads that say you do…………………CRAZY LIARS!I found this out the hard way, so I know of which I speak. Happy Mothering!
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I told you in the original Mommy Truisms that I would let them trickle out as they came to me, and so here are a few more Mommy truisms ( as I know them to be). I am sure most of you can relate  and if you can’t yet, be patient…..you will.

  • 4 is the new 16, Learn it, Love it, Live it!The sooner you do, the quicker you can adjust your game plan and plan accordingly.
  • It only takes a second of a turned head for a baby to fall off of a changing table; but it takes the rest of the day for a CAT scan.
  • If you are a first time Mommy and the doctor tells you that they think your daughter has yet another “viral” infection do not insist they take blood to prove it to you.
  • (This goes hand in hand with the previous truism) At all cost, avoid having blood drawn in children between the ages of 1-6, they are too old for a heel stick but their little arms and veins are so tiny it is like murdering a cat to get blood. I repeat; DO NOT do this!
  • Anything over a 4 hour car ride with toddlers is a suicide/homicide mission!
  • Mommy’s who say everything is easy and never break a sweat are either A) in complete denial of their situation , B) completely and utterly  insane, C) liars or D) All of thee above or a combination of the three because nobody’s life is without its issues.So, don’t believe the hype.
  • Sometimes they cry, sometimes we cry but at the end of the day…it’s all love.
  • There is absolutely nothing wrong with play dates consisting of Popsicles and margaritas; some days that is what the situation warrants.
  • New Mommies, on the first night home with your newborn, it is perfectly acceptable to sleep with your ceiling fan light turned all the way on so that you can see every single breath your baby takes.
  • It is also acceptable to occasionally get up in the middle of the night, and check that said baby is still breathing by way of putting your hand on baby’s chest to feel that it is moving up an down. ( Don’t judge me..you know you’ve done it)
  • Also, their is no age at which this is inappropriate as you will always be their Mother and they will always be your baby!

That’s all for today’s truisms, but there are plenty more. Stay tuned! Happy Mothering!

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diamonds and pearls, weird shit, up my toddler's nose

Of all the days to find weird shit up my toddler’s nose, today was not the day. Seriously, is it my Mother’s Day weekend yet? My husband comes home tonight and I am so off duty! If she could have only waited 12 hours.

My 2 year old, very smart most of the time, just came to me and was picking at her nose. No biggie right? That’s what they do.

Gabs:” UGH ( in total disgust) Me have something in my nose!”

Me: “Gabs, do you need a tissue?”

Gabs: “NO!!!”

Me: “Gabs, stop picking. Do you need a Kleenex for your boogies or do you have some thing in your nose?” (OK, I totally said this NOT expecting the answer that I got)

Gabs: “YEAH! Get it out!”

So, I tilt her head back expecting to be confronted with a monstrosity of a booger when what to my surprise do I find?  A.PEARL! She had a effing pearl up her nose. A big friggin 1/2 ” in diameter pearl lodged in her left nostril. I know you are wondering where the hell did she get a pearl? Long story short, hidden broken pearl necklace + nosey 2 year old with long legs = (obviously) pearl up nostril! I seriously almost shat myself.

I kept remembering of all my friends whose kids had done something equally as stupid and ended up in the emergency room with a corkscrew noodle or a popcorn kernel  gaining ground on the fast track to their melon. I am sure I turned 12 shades of white. I gently placed my thumb on the top outside of her nose (to prevent further inhalation of the said pearl) and told her to ” Blow baby!”. She did and out popped a pearl.

Then, being the drama queen that she is, she promptly ran to the bathroom and martyr style weeped because I told her not to do that again because the pearl could travel to her brain and kill her. She wasn’t liking the answer she got. What a princess, I wonder if she poops diamonds? I should check that out!

 

Totally un-phased, fruit snack ravishing victim!

 

Totally unsuspecting culprit!
Happy Mothering! May all of your children avoid the nose pearls!

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This is something new that I thought I’d share. It is my list of Mommy truisms. I will post a few today and then  let them trickle in as they come to me from here on out. Happy Mothering!

  • No matter how beautiful/adorable your child is~ they are 100 times cuter when they are asleep.
  • Spit up is not an allowable accessory to any outfit, but as another Mommy I will let it slide because it is better than some of the alternatives i.e poop. pee. full on vomit, etc.

  • Modesty is a thing of the past! When in labor with my first, I was so embarrassed because my belly was so enormous that the gown didn’t cover my ass.Now after never peeing, pooping, waxing, shaving, showering, changing a feminine product alone, and a myriad of other so called ‘private’ things that I ‘share’ with my children due to lack of privacy…that modesty has passed. 
  • Mom’s who work outside of the home are brave, courageous, and strong.
  • Mom’s who stay home are braver, slightly crazy, extremely courageous, and in desperate need of a night out and some adult conversation.
  • Waking a sleeping child is like waking a sleeping bear; JUST DON”T DO IT!!!!
  • With the right motivation, Daddies are underrated and capable and willing to do so much more than we want to admit or allow them to do.

That’s all the truisms for tonight but believe me there are a million more. I will be sharing. Please share your with me!

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My 4 year old daughter has wanted to be a “movie star” since she saw Eloise goes to Hollywood. Not that I think she really knows what that means or what it entails but I have convinced myself that I will never be the shatterer of hopes and dreams when it comes to my girls. If they want to do it or be it, I’m going to support it because we all need a cheerleader.To help her achieve this lofty, if not almost impossible goal, I submitted her photos to a prestigious modeling agency, they called us in, and then they agreed to represent my 4 year old.She is pretty cute, if I do say so myself:), and I figured what a better place to start than some print work. Of course,fast forward a couple months later, she books her first job. Its a commercial. Amazing right? No, well, it was to us. She was excited, our friends were excited, our family was excited, myself, I was too exhausted from organizing an unexpected relocation to really comprehend how exciting it was. It was to be a commercial for a local car dealership. We were in set the mandatory 15 minutes early, of course we had been sitting outside in the car for a 1/2 hour before that but we couldn’t come in, per instructions from our agency. Apparently, its unprofessional.We walk in the door with our 4 outfits they asked me to bring, of course they left her in the faded jeans, ugg boots, and long sleeve t-shirt and navy polo she walked in with. Oh, that is with the exception of removing the polo (which was the only cute part of the entire outfit because it was the riding to the shoot outfit..not the actual outfit for the shoot:) I was all very surreal, hair and make up on my 4 year old.She sat straight in the chair , jibber jabbing the make up artists head off. We exchanged niceties and she told me how bright and beautiful my daughter was, something a mother can never hear too much of. Then we began the actual shoot, or what I’d like to refer to as “the train wreck of 2010”. My daughter was “the daughter”, to the family in the commercial. There were like 10 adult actors and my 1 child, did I mention she had never even done a print booking. Talk about putting all of your eggs in one basket. Jeez. It starts out the pretend Dad has to lift my little girl into the back of a pickup.Oh my, poor guy. My daughter is very tall for her age, she is like 45 inches tall and around 53 lbs. She is rock solid. This guy was about 5’10” and having trouble lifting my child. She was more than half his length and its awkward to lift a kid that tall, I should know. I looked on with pity and horror as this man struggled.My daughter just sat there, like a deer in headlights, except for the occasional cheese she tossed in the general direction of myself or the camera ( which she was not suppose to be looking at because she was supposed to be looking at her damned fake parents!)But I stood there, silent watching it all happen because Mom’s (like children) are on set to be seen and not heard. I was there strictly for moral support and legal reasons.They eventually finish the 15 or so takes, my daughter is totally confused by the people moving their mouth feigning conversation with no actual sound coming out.It was all very overwhelming for her. The bright lights,the strange man lifting her up..which by the way, every time he lifted her up, her shirt lifted up on her belly.She’s 4, so she paid no attention, but the adults (not even the fake Mommy…oh, you so know she doesn’t really have children)not one of them thought to pull her shirt down or tell her to do it. It was very frustrating.This could go on for days and it felt like it did. Let’s just sum it up by saying she is 4! She was tired , she was hungry, and she was overwhelmed but she didn’t have a meltdown, and she didn’t cry, and she didn’t act like a brat.She did everything they told her to do, to the best of her 4 year old ability. That was a long day and there is so much more that I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you:) She did ,however, at the end of the day, as we were leaving the shoot look me in the eyes and say, “Awww, dang it Mommy.It was my first commercial and all I got was this sparkly new hairpin!” I chuckled to myself, I guess that paycheck and all that excitement didn’t count for much..because , in her mind, all she got out of the day was “that sparkly new hairpin”. I asked her if she wanted to still be a “Movie Star”. She said ,”Sure Momma. I bet when I’m on Disney channel, they’ll give me all kinds of sparkly(SPark-A-LEE) new hairpins!”LOL. Keep on dreamin big, baby!
Disclaimer: This is in no way, shape, or form a dig at the process or my agency, this was about the train wreck that I had to watch my kid be part of because of her inexperience. It was like helplessly watching a car slide off into the ditch.Or watching your baby fall when learning to walk for the first time.It was inevitable, and you couldn’t stop it, it was just the circumstances and our naivete. We are looking forward to the next time, we’re going to fishtail…on purpose!

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