The TRUTH About Motherhood

Category: Entertainment

Entertainment is enjoyable from babies to adults. Whether you’re single, married, have kids or not movies, arts, sports and events bring people together.

The Happiest Place on Earth is Disney Magic Kingdom
The Most Magical part of the Magic Kingdom
We’re starting the Orlando tips with my favorite place, Disney Magic Kingdom. Earlier this month my family visited the Walt Disney World Resort and I promised you all that I would give you some reviews and tips of some of the places we went. Today, I’ll be sharing tips with you on how to maximize your experience at the Magic Kingdom, by far every kids favorite place on earth. The Big Guy and I have been to Walt Disney World many times before having our girls, including on our honeymoon. However, it was our first visit to Disney World with our girls. It was their very first trip to the happiest place on earth and it needed to be extra magical.
If you’ve already been to the Magic Kingdom, you may know some of these tips already but if you’ve never been with kids you may want to take some notes on things to do. Believe me it’s a completely different magical experience with children.
- If you have children under the age of 8, pay the $15 for a single or $31 for a double stroller if you have more than one kid. They will get overwhelmed and exhausted and you will be carrying children. Save your back, rent a stroller.
- If you have girls, you must take them to the Bibbidi Bobbidi boutique. It was by far one of my daughters’ most cherished memories and ours, as well.
- Grab a map of the park and the list of times for meet and greets and where the meet and greets will be held. Believe me, if your kid has no interest in meeting Daisy Duck and you get stuck in that traffic, you will not be in a good mood. I suggest finding out who your child’s must meet characters are and then planning your time in the park around those meet and greet opportunities. Believe me if your daughter sees Rapunzel walking around and you didn’t get her autograph, overtired children will mutiny on your ass, right in the middle of the happiest fucking place on earth.True Story.
- Wear comfortable shoes that stay on, can get wet and don’t pose a trip and fall hazard.
- Be sure to buy your autograph book before you get to the Magic Kingdom for the simple fact that you won’t want to waste the time in line at the shop when you should be in line for meet and greets. And when you walk up to the characters, have the book already open to the page your child wants them to sign on. Then date the autograph, so you can remember the trip properly.
- Fast pass is your friend. Get fast passes for everything that they offer fast passes for including shows and popular rides with the children. This also includes the meet and greet with the princesses and Mickey and Minnie, if not expect to waste 45-70 minutes waiting to meet your children’s heroes. I am NOT exaggerating. There are not enough hours in the day to meet and greet all the characters. You must prioritize or have the entire week to devote just to the Magic Kingdom.
- Make sure to take a little time and plan your day. There is so much to do and so little time to fit it all in. Prioritize what your family will not want to miss, then be sure to know when and where all the parades are and then make reservations for lunch and above all else, make sure that you have rain ponchos. It’s Florida and it rains all the time. I suggest wearing a bathing suit under your shorts, less chance of chafing and faster dry time.
- Remember why you are there. You’ve taken your kids to the happiest place on earth. Let them enjoy it and turn off your phones and unplug. They are only this age once, be in the moment. Soak it all in and let yourself see the magic of the Magic Kingdom.
- Take a break when you are tired. Soldiering on is not going to make it magical for anyone. Depending on the ages of your children, going on without breaks or naps could be disastrous and ruin the entire trip. This is supposed to be fun, not miserable.
- Last but not least, allow for spontaneity. The best things happen when you least expect them, you only have to be open to allowing then the opportunity to happen and that won’t happen if you are too busy rushing to the next ride. Magic happens all around us, you need to be looking in order to see it.
It was our first trip to Disney World and the Magic Kingdom and we will definitely be going back.
What was your child’s favorite attraction at the Magic Kingdom?

Disclaimer: I was provided passes to Disney World/ Magic Kingdom for review purposes but all opinions are my own.
2012/06/26
Disney’s Brave; A Closer Look at the Mother/Daughter Relationship
I’ve been waiting an entire year to see this movie. This is the only caveat to being privy to Disney media. You get all the buzz early but that usually means an entire year waiting for movies to come out. Well, Disney’s Brave finally came out a couple of days ago, and I have been waiting patiently for it. I was not disappointed.
We took our girls to see Brave and it was everything I hoped it would be and more than I expected. It was the first Disney princess movie since The Princess Frog that felt, to me, like it sent the message of strong female empowerment. It was an amazing thing to watch with my girls andI won’t lie, I cried!
The message was about empowering our young girls to be who they are and to stand up for themselves when it really counts. It’s also a beautiful and thought provoking commentary on the complicated relationship between a mother and a daughter. We love one another so fiercely and hold on so tight that sometimes we don’t allow our children to grow into who they are meant to be.
Disney and Pixar have outdone themselves this time. I was impressed with Tiana in the Princess Frog because she was independent and self-made, hard working and driven. I thought the latest version of Rapunzel in Tangled was brilliant because she did not let herself be defined by her beauty. Merida was all of these things and more, exemplifying that a woman can be strong-willed and determined, make her own choices and forge her own way in the world, despite traditional roles.
I loved the storyline and think it was brilliant that Disney and Pixar have finally sent our little girls the message that they can do anything. Happiness does not lie in the hands of a man and is not dependent on the kiss of a prince.
More importantly, I was touched by the skillful way that Pixar and Disney brought the mother-daughter dynamic into play. When we were teens, at some point, we all wished our mothers would just go away or at the very least, get out of our business. But what if she actually had? Where would we have been?
Some of us don’t realize how dear our mother’s are to us until we become mothers ourselves. Merida is faced with the possibility of her mother never being the same and in that she realizes how very much her mother meant to her.
I won’t lie, I was crying in the theater. Partly because I have been Merida and I know the feeling of trying to prove to your parents that who you are is good enough, partly because I know soon I will be Elinor (Merida’s mother), the one being dismissed as not knowing anything and partly because one day, we all lose our parents and we can not change that fate, no matter how much we may want to.
Be kind to yourself and kind to one another. Go see Disney and Pixar’s Brave; you will not be sorry. It is an amazing movie that can be enjoyed by parents and children of all ages. Will you be going to see Brave?
Photo Source: Disney
2012/06/22
Vacation 101 ~ We’re Not the Griswolds but we Play Them on Vacation
Vacation
Family Vacation, the very term conjures up images of the Griswolds driving cross country, singing songs and wreaking havoc all while narrowly escaping death. This was sort of what our trip was like. Only it was a much needed and soul replenishing vacation in Orlando, Florida that began in an amazing hotel ans ended in Disney world. I can’t believe how much vacationing we fit into our 10 day road trip. Oh yeah, that’s right, I did it again. I swore I never would but I did and what a difference a few years makes. The difference between traveling with a 5 and 7 year and a 2 and 4 year old is the difference between strolling through the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon and being chased through the park during the middle of the night by an axe murderer with Mommy issues. World of difference. Vacation road trip was a huge success, if you don’t take into account the fact that I developed a raging case of shark week on the return trip home. Oye vey, my poor family.
Honestly,there is so much to tell you and so many great places and things to do in Orlando that I want to share with you that I am going to write this as a series over the next few weeks, every Friday will be Florida vacationing tips, tricks and honest reviews of some of the places we visited. Unfortunately, all were not great experiences.
As you can see from some of the photos above, there is a LOT to do in Florida and so many places to choose to spend your time and money so I feel it’s my duty to share what I learned; good, bad and ugly. Here are a few general tips to keep in mind while road tripping with small children:
1. Invest in a DVD player for the car. It will save your sanity and their little lives.
2. Bring snacks because small children and husbands get the munchies when they are on the road and the only thing that is worse than “are we there yet?” is a screamed chorus of “I’m hungry!”
3. Bring water because apparently in places where the humidity is 200% and you might die of dehydration, they feel it’s okay to charge $5 for a bottle of water. Hint: You can buy an entire case of bottled water for $5 in most cities, including Orlando, at the grocery store. Publix is your friend.
4. Never buy hotel rooms or tickets through a third party, there are hidden charges. Believe me we learned this lesson twice on this vacation to a total of about $300. Not a whole lot of money but it could have been spent on something better than what it was wasted on. Just say no to third party sales.
5. Always make sure to have children’s ibuprofen, adult ibuprofen, a thermometer, Neosporin, band-aids, hydrocortizone and pepto bismol in your bag at all times.
6. Bring a water proof back pack to carry your camera, passes, keys, extra clothes and bottles of water in while sight seeing.
7. When staying in a hotel, if you are watching your money, it may be worth it to consider going off grounds to purchase dinner. Case in point: Dinner for 4 at one of the hotel restaurants was $45 for sandwiches and drinks. Off grounds, the same meal would have cost about $20. Just something to think about.
8. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take a rain poncho with you when visiting Florida. I know that no one wears those damn ugly things unless they are going to a sporting event in the rain or an amusement park in the rain. We never buy these things until we are being rained on and then it will cost you an arm and a leg for essentially the cheapest Glad trash bag you will ever encounter. Know this now. It rains in Orlando, a lot. I’ve been several times and in every season and it ALWAYS rains. Somehow, I forgot and left the $1000 rain ponchos that I bought on my last trip at home and had to buy more. 6 more! There are only 4 of us but 2 of them ripped. There I was in the middle of the happiest place on earth getting water logged and extremely pissed off and then I laughed at myself, grabbed my 7 year old and started dancing and singing in the rain. Fuck it. Life’s too short! But if you melt and rain annoys you, BUY A RAIN PONCHO!
9. Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen and Aloe. It is hot as hell in Florida and I’m not entirely sure that it is not the gateway to the underworld but it is beautiful and after awhile of looking into the sun and cooking yourself to 165 degrees, you get used to it. You may even stop sweating in 110 degree weather. Not me, I was sweating like a whore in church the entire time I was there but you may be a cooler cat than I on vacation. Once your eyes adjust and you get used to looking directly into the sun, don’t forget that you are probably being burnt to a crisp. Reapply sunscreen, SPF 50+ every 80 minutes and don’t forget the SPF lip balm. Believe me when I tell you, I forgot to reapply to myself. I thought I was safe because of my olive Latina skin. No one is safe. Florida chews up Latinos for breakfast every day and spits them out for lunch. Currently, I am no longer red but I am the damn freckliest Mexibilly you ever did see. But what about the children? I reapplied sunscreen to them every hour and they STILL got red.Please don’t let your babies burn. Nothing ruins a family vacation faster than a kid in pain from sunburn.
So much to say and do in Florida, there’s definitely more than just face eating zombies to keep you entertained. Our Griswold family vacation to Florida was pretty much awesome, with the exception of a few minor shark week induced over reactions, being water logged while alternately sweating our asses off and being burnt to a crisp and the incident with public relations at the place I will hence to forth refer to as Florida Throat Punch Recipient #1 (Universal). We loved our vacation and still think Florida is the happiest place on earth. I’m already planning next year’s trip. I’ve got loads of info about all the hottest things to do with children on your family vacation to Florida and will be giving you the down low on Fridays.
I need a vacation from my vacation
2012/06/13
The Lone Ranger is Back
When I was a kid, I loved watching The Lone Ranger. My brother and I would pull up our kids sized chairs, mine a red teddy bear and his a rocker, and sit quietly waiting for the Lone ranger to start and then we would immediately start running around the house, pretending to ride horses and shoot bad guys. I remember it being a black and white television show from the 30’s and by the time I watched it for the first time, it had been in syndication for over 40 years but it was new to me and I loved it.It ranked right up there with the Monkees, New Zoo Revenue and the Captain ( Kangaroo to you).
I remember my brother and I running around the house, one playing the Lone Ranger and one playing Tonto and riding our imaginary horses, saving the world from the bad guys; yelling “ Hi-yo Silver!” and the other saying, “Yes, Ke-mo sah-bee!” I loved playing Tonto.
In case you are not familiar with the Lone Ranger, he was a fictional character; a masked, ex-law man who, along with his Native American companion Tonto, fought injustice in the Old West. It was such an awesome show because, not only did it show that the good guys always won, it showed that through tolerance and acceptance we could do the right thing and be the good guy.
Departing off into the sunset on his white stallion, Silver, the Lone Ranger would shout, “Hi-yo, Silver! Away!” As they galloped off, someone would ask, “Who was that masked man anyway?”
Now, Disney is bringing The Lone Ranger to the big screen for a whole new generation and I cannot wait to go see it with my own girls.
From producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski, the filmmaking team behind the blockbuster “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise, comes Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer Films’ “The Lone Ranger,” a thrilling adventure infused with action and humor, in which the famed masked hero is brought to life through new eyes.
Native American spirit warrior Tonto (Johnny Depp) recounts the untold tales that transformed John Reid (Armie Hammer), a man of the law, into a legend of justice—taking the audience on a runaway train of epic surprises and humorous friction as the two unlikely heroes must learn to work together and fight against greed and corruption. ~ Disney.com
The Lone Ranger also stars Tom Wilkinson, William Fichtner, Barry Pepper, James Badge Dale, Ruth Wilson and Helena Bonham Carter.
The Lone Ranger releases in U.S. theaters on July 3, 2013. I will be there to see it. I can’t wait. Can you, Ke-mo Sah-bee?
Photo Source: Disney
2012/03/10
Fat Tuesday Indulgence before the Deprivation
Today is Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday is more than just Mardi Gras and Carnival. It’s more than just ass shaking, parades and beads. It’s the day in which all of us good Catholics indulge in excess and opulence before we commence with our Lenten sacrifices. Bring on the guilty pleasures with wild abandonment.
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2012/02/21
Soleil Moon Frye Happy Chaos from Punky to Parenting
Happy Chaos ~ Isn’t that the exact spot where most mothers reside? I do and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting (via Skype) the star of one my favorite childhood TV shows,(no, not Ricky Schroeder though that would certainly be nice too:) Soleil Moon Frye…PUNKY BREWSTER!Is it wrong that I was so geeked to speak with her? If it is, I don’t want to be right!
In a way, Soleil Moon Frye never stopped being Punky, the fun- loving star of the 1980s hit television show Punky Brewster. In the real world, she’s the mom with the inside-out shirt and bits of playdough in her hair, who can’t remember where she parked the car. She balances being a mom with a hundred other tasks associated with running her eco-friendly clothing store The Little Seed, hosting her web series on HerSay.com, advocating for causes close to her heart, and being Target’s Mommy Ambassador, to name a few. As Twitter and Facebook communities can attest, Soleil’s life is messy and chaotic, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Her book, HAPPY CHAOS: From Punky to Parenting and My Perfectly Imperfect Adventures in Between (on sale August 23,2011) is a refreshing take on modern parenting that encourages moms to be themselves and to embrace the inevitable madness of raising kids and living a full life.
I met Soleil while being a Hot Topic guest on HerSay. She is as sweet and spunky as you could have imagined. She is very down to earth and talking to her felt like talking to one of the mom’s you might meet at the park or in one of your child’s Kindermusik classes. I was very excited when I found out that she was writing a book Happy Chaos From Punky to Parenting and My Perfectly Imperfect Adventures In Between ( in stores TOMORROW August 23,2011). The book is a refreshing take on modern parenting that encourages moms to be themselves and to embrace the inevitable madness of raising kids and living a full life. I’ll take one please.
Happy Chaos is the place between perfection and destruction where bliss exists
Soleil believes that “happy chaos” is a sign of a family operating at its best—when parents accept that they’ll make mistakes, there will be messes, tears and skinned knees. Her over 1.4 million Twitter followers know just how much Soleil lives this philosophy as she often shares with her real and virtual friends and family how she navigates the various obstacles of parenthood.
I had the opportunity to interview Soleil about her parenting style and am sharing them here with you. Hope you enjoy getting to know Soleil on a more personal level as much as I did.
What is the most profound way in which having your children has changed your life?
I learn more and more each day from my children and I never imagined they would be life’s greatest teachers. Amen sister!
If you were only allowed to leave your girls with three life lessons, what would they be?Why?
The lessons would be
1) to stay strong and always self-confident
2) to be kind to others and the world around them.
3) to love completely and not be afraid or fearful of what’s to come. To embrace every moment and lose themselves in the dash in between. These three lessons are amazing and I think every mother can relate. I know I certainly do.
How has your perspective on parenting and the world changed from before you had your girls? What do you do or not do that you never thought you would before giving birth?
Before kids, I thought I was going to be the total hippie laid back parent. I guess I am a bit more protective than I ever thought I would be. Aren’t we all? Who knew having our hearts walking around outside our bodies would be so monumental.
Happy Chaos is where true happiness lives
Happy Chaos comes out tomorrow ( August 23,2011). I am giving away one signed copy to a lucky follower of The TRUTH about Motherhood. All you need to do is GFC follow The TRUTH about Motherhood or email susbscribe and leave me a comment about your own Happy Chaos (please include your email address). A winner will be chosen on Friday August 22, 2011.Or you can click Here to be one of the first moms on the block to own a copy of
Happy Chaos
2011/08/22
Popcorn Love
To celebrate summer fun, Redbox is asking moms, “What’s your family’s go-to movie night snack?” Plus, they are rewarding 2 lucky people with a chance to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.
My family’s favorite go-to movie night snack has to be popcorn. I’m sure this is typical in most households but for this Chicago girl, nothing goes better with a great movie than Garrett’s Chicago Mix popcorn.
When the weather’s rainy and cold, there’s nothing quite like cuddling up under some blankets close to those you love the most, watching a great family movie and munching on popcorn.
If the weather is miserably hot outside, at my house we call that a lounge day. We pick a movie the whole family will enjoy like Beverly Hills Chihuahua II or Grease and we have good time laughing together and munching on a fabulous mix of cheese and carmel corn ( Chicago Style).
I may not live in the Chicagoland area these days but believe me when I tell you that my girls KNOW if there’s a great movie on the screen, Chicago mix popcorn should be on the table. We’ve even learned to improvise and make our own mix. I love sharing this special treat and my love of a good movie with my girls.
I hope someday my girls will be watching a great movie, cuddled up with their little ones, eating some Chicago Mix Popcorn and think of special moments spent with their father and myself. I hope they get the same warm fuzzy feeling that I get sharing these extraordinary ordinary moments with them now.
Redbox is celebrating summer family time with a great line up of family-friendly titles, awesome savings and two chances to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.*
4 Easy Ways to Enter:
1. Enter your email address at www.redbox.com/summer
2. Rent a movie or game at a redbox kiosk (and provide a valid email address at checkout)
3. Reserve a rental online at redbox.com
4. Text ‘SUMMER’ to 727272
Enter to win today!
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Redbox. The opinions and text are all mine.
*Each item rented earns one entry, regardless of how long it is rented, up to three entries per day. Limit 3 entries per day, regardless of entry method. The sweepstakes begins May 27, 2011 at 12:00 a.m. CT and ends on August 1, 2011 at 11:59 p.m. CT. No purchase necessary. See official rules at www.redbox.com/summer.
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2011/07/25
Redbox Summer of Fun Giveaway
To celebrate summer of fun, Redbox is asking moms, “What’s your family’s favorite video game to play together?” Plus, they are rewarding 2 lucky people with a chance to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.
In our home, Rock Band for the PlayStation 3 reigns supreme. We have spent many a weekend playing Rock Band in our media room while laughing and having a great time making memories with our two little girls.
Redbox Summer of Fun Giveaway
Not only do we play this game with our girls, whenever we have family functions, the entire family gets in on the action.We host Thanksgiving every year and as part of the tradition, after dinner everyone heads downstairs and we select our favorite tunes and belt them out together. Our entire family, on both sides,singing, laughing and having an authentic great time together.
What’s your family’s favorite video game to play together?
It’s game time! Redbox, America’s favorite destination for movie rentals, is now renting video games in 21,000 kiosks nationwide for $2 a day. Redbox is truly a one-stop shop for affordable, family home entertainment with both games and movies.
Through the generosity of Redbox, I am giving away 3 sets of 5 game codes, all you have to do is email subscribe to The TRUTH about Motherhood and leave a comment telling me what your favorite video game is to play with your family! Contest ends Thursday June 30th at 9 pm EST. Please be sure to leave your email address so that I can contact you if you win.Good Luck!
Redbox is celebrating summer family time with a great line up of family-friendly titles, awesome savings and two chances to win $10,000 as part of the Redbox Summer of Fun & Games Sweepstakes.*
4 Easy Ways to Enter:
1. Enter your email address at www.redbox.com/summer
2. Rent a movie or game at a redbox kiosk (and provide a valid email address at checkout)
3. Reserve a rental online at redbox.com
4. Text ‘SUMMER’ to 727272
Enter to win today!
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Redbox. The opinions and text are all mine.
*Each item rented earns one entry, regardless of how long it is rented, up to three entries per day. Limit 3 entries per day, regardless of entry method. The sweepstakes begins May 27, 2011 at 12:00 a.m. CT and ends on August 1, 2011 at 11:59 p.m. CT. No purchase necessary. See official rules at www.redbox.com/summer.

2011/06/22
Xbox Kinect Fun for the entire family
Xbox Kinect~ Hands Free Fun
What is it? Kinect for Xbox 360. You are the controller. No gadgets. No gizmos, Just you!
Kinect brings games and entertainment to life in extraordinary new ways without using a controller. You can control movies and music with the wave of your hand or the sound of your voice. The new cutting edge gaming technology allows players to be free of cumbersome remotes. With Kinect, technology evaporates, letting the natural magic in all of us shine.
If you don’t have the budget for such gadgets yet, you can still have lots of fun with your smartphone by playing games on sites like 카지노 사이트.
What does it say it will do?
Features of the xbox kinect

Full Body Gaming:
Controller-free gaming means full body play. Kinect responds to how you move. So if you have to kick, then kick. If you have to jump, then jump. You already know how to play. All you have to do now is to get off the couch.
It’s All About You:
Once you wave your hand to activate the sensor, your Kinect will be able to recognize you and access your Avatar. Then you’ll be able to jump in and out of different games, and show off and share your moves.
Use Your Voice:
Kinect uses advanced entertainment technology to respond to the sound of your voice. Just say “Xbox” to reveal a series of voice commands. So you’ll be able to control HD movies with the sound of your voice—no remote required.
Endless Entertainment:
Enjoy HD movies, music and sports through Xbox LIVE without any extra accessories. Just use a wave of your hand or the sound of your voice to enjoy 3,500 games on ESPN, HD movies through Zune, streaming music from Last.fm.
Something for the Entire Family:
Whether you’re a gamer or not, anyone can play and have a blast. And with advanced parental controls and movies for the family, Kinect promises a gaming experience that’s safe, secure and fun for everyone.
Does it do what it says it will do? Yes, the Kinect for the Xbox does exactly what it says. The xbox kinect truly does release the player from the cumbersome use of a controller, allowing the player to spent he time enjoying the game rather than having to worry about working or figuring out how to use a controller. The only issue I had with it was if you were not at the right distance from the console or if there were too many people in it’s line of sight sometimes it would have a hard time recognizing the player. I love to play LoL. When you are buying League of Legends Smurf account from unrankedsmurfs.com then, you can open new challenges.

Do you need to consult a manual or is it “User Friendly”? The Xbox 360 Kinect console was extremely easy to use. All I needed to do was plug it in, connect a couple cords and push the power on button. In a matter of seconds, we were playing World of Warcraft and we also bought wow classic gold at gold 4 vanilla on our Xbox Kinect~hands free.
Xbox Kinect~ Hands Free Fun
2011/06/20
Bossypants Says a Prayer
Photo courtesy of Google
As if we Mommies didn’t already have enough cause to adore Tina Fey, she has done something so fabulous that I may ,in fact, have a Mommy crush. My first ever. I was sent this link by the amazing Alexandra from Good Day Regular People. She knew I could appreciate it, especially since I have two little girls. I know Mommies of boys love their boys just as much as I love my girls, but there are a whole different set of issues that come with girls. That being said, I am sharing Tina Fey’s prayer for a daughter.’
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed. And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes. Amen.

Ms.Fey, I agree with you on absolutely every single point. You are an honorary Truthful Mommy. I can’t wait to read your new book, Bossypants. Im sure it will be amazing, smart and hilarious, just like Ms. Fey.
2011/04/18