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Parenting

Parenting is nothing you expected and everything you could have imagined all rolled into one. I have been spit up on, pooped on, vomited on all before 7 a.m. in the newborn years. I’ve watched my toddler shove a pearl up her nose and poop in her mouth, and I’ve even masticated food. Not as fun as it sounds. I’ve survived breast buds and the sex talk. I share everything I ever learned and you might want to know about parenting from pregnancy to labor thru to the teens years.  It’s is hard but it’s the toughest job that you’ll ever love but the salary sucks.

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Mommy Truisms

Mommy Truisms; The Trust Your Gut Edition

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted any of my truisms so I may have went overboard. Of course, they are all true and we all need to know that we are not alone in this crazy ride we call Motherhood. So, hang on to your cute little crocheted hats ladies…it’s going to be an exciting and bumpy ride!Happy Mothering!

  • No matter how much you spin, Turbo Jam,  or Zumba your body will never go back exactly the way it was before babies. It may be just as good but it is changed forever.
  • If you’ve given birth, you WILL pee just a little if you sneeze or laugh too hard. Expect it. If you don’t like it…Kegel it and/or get yourself some Mommy type pantie liners.You can not prevent this from happening, no more than you can prevent your stomach getting large when pregnant.
  • Once you have a child, you will NEVER get enough sleep again…ever..for the rest of your life!
  • Children can live on cheeze-its, string cheese and apples alone. I call it the connoisseur in training program. Add some grape juice to that combo and you are raising a child with a discerning palette.
  • Stretch marks are not sexy…to anybody.Anybody who tells you they are is either a) a liar b) a liar or c) really desperate for sex and totally in love with you for giving birth to their big headed child:)
  • If you ask your child a question and they a)smile…just a little bit ( more of a grin really) b)look away and say “I don’t know” or “No” c) if they blush even the slightest whilst avoiding eye contact and  grinning; they are lying to you.
  • Kids can be unintentionally cruel because half the time they know not the meaning of the words they are using, so always remember to take any insults they hurl at you with a grain salt.I realize it still hurts your heart but they DON’T mean it! If they did, I would have already thrown myself in the river as many times as my 3 year old has told me “Mommy, me hate you!”, today alone.
  • There is NOTHING, absolutely nothing, in the entire world that is sweeter than a two little arms hugging your neck and telling you “Mommy, you are the best Mommy in the whole wide world!”Of course, their world usually only includes your house…but hey, its nice to be queen:)
  • NEVER underestimate the power of a good Mommy friend, no Mommy is an island. You need her more than you know. When you find a real one, put yourself into her loving hands. She could possibly save your life.
  • When your little girl has her first crush and the little boy’s Mom informs you that they will be attending the Nutcracker solely to see your daughter perform ( because the little boy has demanded it) try not to flash forward to her wedding and tear up.They really do grow up too fast, don’t relinquish one moment of their childhood..in your head or otherwise.
  • Some days, you may feel isolated, overwhelmed, exhausted and like you have completely lost your mind..you probably have but take solace in the fact that there are many more of us out there like you than you think or could possibly know.
  • There will be a time in your Mommy life when you are on the fence whether you want another baby or not, when that happens and your ovaries start twitching and your uterus begging for a tenant, take a minute and think it over honestly. Remember, all the long sleepless nights, breastfeeding issues, explosive diarrhea diapers and then ask yourself… do I still want to go through that again?If the answer is yes or I don’t mind…Go for it!  ( well, after consulting your spouse of course:)
  • There is nothing more cute than a 5 year old and a 3 year old in their new dresses at a tea party, and nothing as lovely as the excitement and wonderment in their eyes when they watch the Nutcracker ( or anything to do with Christmas for that matter) ballet for the first time.
  • As a mother, sometimes you will have to say, do things, be friends with people you don’t like for your children’s best interest..learn it, live it, love it!
  • It is your right as the Mommy to refuse to let your child go on a field trip that has no chaperones, two teachers and 47 kids.Do not buckle under peer pressure. It’s your child; it’s your decision..final answer!
  • In all things concerning your child’s well being, trust your gut.It’ s not just there for show, its there for a reason.
  • There is something unresistably precious about a half asleep baby stumbling out of bed and climbing up into your life( Freudian slip) lap and cuddling (even if it is 10:30 and you’re trying to write a post) let them. Savor the moment. Kiss the top of their head and bask in their cuddles.Soon, they will outgrow your lap.
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Mom Life

Mommy Friends; Worth their Weight in Gold

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

We all know that our friends are priceless. A good friend to share your thoughts with and have some camaraderie with really can make life a lot happier.It makes things fun. You have a cheerleader, someone who always ‘gets’ you.Someone, aside from your husband, who you can be yourself with and they still love you…perks and quirks.

There is something even more precious than a friend and that is the rare mythical creature called a Mommy friend.I’m not referring to the ladies in the  drop off line that you share nothing with other than being mothers of kindergartners. I am not referring to the ladies in the Moms Groups that have to be nice to you because you go to church together.I’m not even referring to those Stroller Striding, Gymboree, baby wearing mates that you spend your days with. Hell, I am not even touching on the Moms you met through common friends and who you have coffee and gossip with while the kids run a muck.The group I am referencing is that very small piece of the population that you meet through some kid like function, your eyes meet, she looks normal, your kids like her kids, her kids like your kids, and you actually can have a conversation outside of your children about, you know, the other things in your life. *gasp*

I know its verboten to speak of such things but it happens occasionally. You know the lady you unsuspectingly meet at ballet class or while at the library checking out dvds books and you have the same parenting technique, you are both drowning in the velvet sea of children and someone takes mercy and tosses the other a flotation device…you know, to save her life!And its like falling in love, but without all the sex to mess it up. You recognize her by her nervous smile and exhausted sighs. In that moment, she rescues you from the isolation that was your island of parenting solitude.

I’ve always had a lot of friends.That’s just who I am. I come from a large family and that’s what we do..people and relationships. When you’re from a large family with not a lot of money, you have to develop a personality.It’s the only thing that you’ve got to offer. I noticed as I had children, loads of my friendships fell to the wayside. Not because I chose it, or even they did, but we grew apart. Either they didn’t have kids or our kids were at vastly different stages in life, leaving us in vastly different stages of motherhood.It makes a difference.It’s like being at the beginning of life or the end of life. Of course we could benefit from that relationship but who has the time or energy when you are trying to chauffeur, cook, fold, clean, wipe asses, comb tangled hair,stop littles from eating the toothpaste and running into the street, and about 2000 other things simultaneously.

Its a little scary. I have two children and in the 5 years that they have been alive, I have made 5 in real life Mommy friends. Yes, of course I’ve met plenty of wonderful ladies to have play dates with or chat up during drop off and pick up but only 5 have I shared a real connection. Only 5 do I want to sit down and talk about whats really going on in my life. Only 5 that would want to share a glass of wine and  get my advice. Only 5 that I can unleash my verbal diarrhea on and them actually engage with a thoughtful answer and not a head shake, blank stare and a “Right, right”. These ladies are my village. These ladies are the ones who have seen me at my best and my worst and don’t judge me for it. Don’t think less of me for being human.These friends are worth double their weight in gold. They are my tether to sanity.They are amazing.

Who are your Mommy friends?How and where did you meet them? What do you think qualifies a true Mommy friendship?

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Parenting

A few more that you might have missed

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

You all had such a great response to the throw backs that no one ever read before last week, that I decided to share a few more of these missed gems!Hope you enjoy!

 

Playdates; A brief deviation from my sequence

Four years have passed since the birth of my first child, that means it has been just about 3 years and 3 months ( give or take) since we entered the world of play dates. I know, we were late to the scene. What can I say. Anyways,I digress. So,at that time we had recently relocated to a new part of the country. I, being bound and determined to give my child the best childhood ever ( because that is my quest , you know),signed us up for a couple of the “it” classes that are imperative for children at that age, if they are to become anyone later in life. We go to our classes and I cast my net. I try and gauge from our brief encounters and the public interactions of Mommies with their children, who just might be worthy of our friendship, or at the very least, which other Mommies were on “my” level. I know, it sounds horrible when you say it out loud. Keep in mind, this scenario is very much like freshman year in college. You are scared, alone, new to the area and willing to befriend and accept just about anyone into your “clique”. You’ve got to start a clique so you can be a part of something. So, to recap, we have a need to belong to the best clique (for our children’s benefit, of course) but we are so desperate we end up being play date friends with anyone who’ll have us. That is until we get our bearings and regain our senses. In most cases, the original play date relationship dynamic devolves and eventually ends in a slow, painful death. You see, the original net we cast to catch some play date friends usually has a lot of throw backs.Just like freshman year, we find ourselves floundering to unmake the original friendships because we find that we have absolutely nothing in common, except for our one common denominator, said children. Unfortunately, this is not usually enough to sustain a real friendship but it can foster a false sense of belonging. It seems to be ingrained into our minds that we need to subject ourselves to rejection in order to feel accepted. I don’t know why we do this as people, little lone as Mommies because then we are dragging these poor children into this pit and doing it all under the guise that “this is whats best for my baby”. In our hearts, we mean only good and can never, at its inception, perceive or fathom what twilight zone like situations we may soon find ourselves in! Much more to share about play dates, but we will save that for another day!

Rantings of a Crazy woman; 1st Pregnancy

So, that brings us to the gloriousness of pregnancy. Well, for me, pregnancy was pretty glorious. I only gained 18 lbs. with my pregnancies (of course I started out on the chunky side), mild all day sickness with my first, I had an ass for the 1st time in my life (not so bad), boobs got a little bigger, no hemorrhoids, no excess gas, still loved sex, still slept on my belly, no stretch marks (well, one but it disappeared after birth).No craziness. I just basked in the glory of my pregnancy. It was amazing and I devoured all the attention, ate whatever I wanted (that was allowed), was completely engulfed in the whole experience. Read every book (with and to my husband), sharing facts like they were going out of style. Rented a Doppler, sang to my fetus, played music to it, talked to it, swayed it to sleep. Everything about it was amazing. Took every class, drove a little slower, and kept a journal of my pregnancy. No one told me that I should pamper myself, because it was the last time I’d be able to do anything alone, for the rest of my life. Oh, to go to the toilet without a chaperone trying to eat the toothpaste. Those were the days. But, I wouldn’t trade one moment of toothpaste eating tag to pee alone again, if it meant that I didn’t have my daughters. Alone time is over rated anyways, yeah, just like date nights and spontaneous sex, said the jealous, tired Mommy. That was my first pregnancy!

What really happens the second time around

Fast forward to two years later, we have a beautiful, now demanding toddler (whom I am completely in love with) who wants all of my time, every waking moment. Who decided long ago that co-sleeping was the thing for her, and is still in our bed, with no end in sight? Not that I mind, it’s comforting to see your child’s cherubesque face in the middle of the night when you awaken to pee for the 7th time because you’re 9 months pregnant. But it makes it hard to bask in the glory of the pregnancy of baby number 2, when baby number 1, is still a baby. Still I only gained 18, ok 20, lbs. But for some reason I seemed a lot bigger. Last time, I didn’t even show until I was 8 months pregnant. Seriously, I was thicker in the waist but at my baby shower (2 months before my daughter was born) people were teasing me that I didn’t look pregnant. And I really didn’t, well, only in my ass So here I am, bigger than before, chasing a toddler who has the energy of a boxer puppy on crack cocaine, and I am absolutely drained. I had all day sickness from hell, for 4 months. I had to wear sea sick bands! I looked pretty ridiculous. No one was quite as impressed the second time around. Don’t get me wrong, we were all ecstatic. We planned for baby #2, and got pregnant right away, it was just different because the time that I used to bask in my procreating glory last time, was now being used to shuttle a 2 year old to classes, play dates, and constantly try and explain/prepare her for her new baby sister. I was obsessed with making baby # 1 not feel left out or abandoned by the pending arrival of baby #2. It was exhausting.

2 year old Selective Hearing Syndrome and other nuggets of wisdom

I have began to wonder why none, not one,of the parenting books mentions that around the age of 2 children develop selective hearing.Hearing only the things that they want to hear and specifically those things that you don’t want them to hear such as the occasional stump your toe curse word or the fact that your friend needs to lose a couple pounds. Of course they choose to hold on to these nuggets until the most inappropriate times for instance, said friend’s nervous breakdown over her looks, or they blurt out some unexpected four lettered gem in the middle of mass.Why is this information not labeled with a warning in the parenting books. Is it just another one of those secrets we keep because it is too much fun to watch the provisionals experience the embarrassment and humiliation that we ourselves did, not so long ago?Beware this is quite frequently co morbid with Constant Repeat disorder. In a nutshell, not unlike my child, your child ignores you and repeats anything they say constantly as to make sure that you have not acquired their selective hearing syndrome.My daughter’s favorite repeat phrase is ” M..o..m…m.y…EAT!” It is usually repeated in sets of no less then 7 times. Furthermore, even more concerning then the 2 year old selective hearing syndrome, there is the very common but temporary ( I am hoping) 4 year old complete deafness
disease. This is a little more frustrating because the onset is normally around the age of 3 to 3 and 1/2 years of age and continues on to about the age of 6, only to reappear at around age 11.So, that is something to look forward to in the coming years. My daughter’s particular strain of the disease leaves her completely deaf to any and all requests from her father and I, of any kind, especially those requests that pertain to the well being of her little sister, aforementioned victim of selective hearing syndrome. Sometimes it can be quite scary when you are asking, repeatedly, for the child to stop beating on their sibling, sitting on their sibling,annoying their sibling, doing something dangerous, to eat, be quiet or clean or pick up anything and the child simply does not hear your voice in any form. They become completely oblivious to the parent who is making said requests. Sometimes, we are overcome with the desire to shake said child but don’t give in. At the very moment you move towards the child, like a bunny, they scamper and scurry to another room. Leaving you even more frustrated because with 4 year old complete deafness disease, once in another room deafness is absolute and there is no hope for said child to hear anything you will ever say fro the remainder of the day..possibly ever again!

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Little KidsMarriage and RelationshipsParenting

Nestled in between the Rock and the Hard place

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

The last few days, life has been weighing on me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been somewhat of an emotional wreck.I’m feeling as if I am falling short..in every avenue.


I have become accustomed to the weight of the world pushing down on my shoulders like a spring about to be sprung at anytime. This I am used to but  kept telling myself..”I” can do this. It’s only  for a few more months. I can hold it together.If the Big Guy can go away to support his family, leave his home and his children..I can do this. I am afforded the luxury of staying in my own home with our little family by my side. Sure the silence after they go to bed is deafening and sometimes heartbreaking, but it is the least I can do.I owe it to ‘Us’ to be able to do this.Of course, I have my occasional breakdowns and find myself having a nice long, ugly cry over some seemingly innocuous incident. But then I move on and I am free of the pressure for a little while.


But I forgot about one vital piece of information…them. More important than can I do this, can they do this.


Bella had a terrible time last year when this all began.She had to leave her preschool with all her friends, her teacher, her life.Then when the Big Guy had to leave this past spring again, she was a wreck.He had to leave the day before her 5th birthday. An angry, displaced, overwhelmed little basket of nerves. I understood. I gave her some time and space. I was there with hugs and consolation. I was there overflowing with understanding and love.Always standing by with love. I never want them to feel a lack of love because of the lack of people around to give it. It broke my heart to watch her have to go through this at such a young age. To feel such misery and discombobulation is awful for anyone to experience. Eventually, the anger subsided. She grew up..too much and too fast because she was forced to accept the situation and learn to live with it.This breaks my heart to know that she has lost some of her innocence about the world because of money. I hate to see my children want for anything, especially when it is their Daddy, whom they really do hang the moon on.


There was one person who was silent through it all, my Gabs. Gabs is 3 and this situation with the Big Guy having to be gone, for work, has been going on since right around the time she turned 2.She was just a baby, really. So, I never considered how it would affect her. I don’t think I even put her into the equation because she was so small. However now, she is 3 and a half and she has found her voice.She notices everything and she has an opinion.The last 8 months have consisted of me being here with my girls trying to figure it all out, the Big Guy being gone, on his own,alone.It’s been Christmas Fridays and funeral Sunday nights left standing on the stoop, while watching  through tear filled eyes as my girls run down the road waving bye to their Daddy;screaming “I love you” at the top of their lungs. It’s been Sunday nights filled with meltdowns of little girls missing their Daddy. Its been week nights of soothing little broken hearts calling out for their Daddy. It’s been hard all the way around. Lately, Gabs has been acting out.She cries for her Daddy almost nightly and she tells me on a regular basis that she hates me and quite frequently can be heard asking “You hate me, don’t you?” I know that she doesn’t hate me but lately her question has been cutting like a knife through my soul. She wants her Daddy and I am beginning to wonder if she doesn’t think I am punishing her by not being together. Does she think I have control of this situation? In her little mind, does she think I have willingly chosen to keep us all apart?


It’s almost too much for my heart to bear.The rock and the hard place that I am nestled between is this; Bella is finally comfortable in school ( after being yanked out of her school in Virginia last year) and has finally made friends after the alienation episode at the beginning of this semester. I feel like I owe it to her to make life as normal as possible. After all , she is the child and I am her parent so I need to sacrifice to do what is best for her. That has been the plan since we first pulled this nasty trick on her. The Big Guy and I agreed to sacrifice so that the kids could remain in  their home, their city, until the end of the school year..to give them security and stability. It’s been incredibly difficult but it seemed to be what was best.


Now,little Gabs is begging me to move us to be with the Big Guy; crying nightly, angry, confused, melancholy and still so small. What do I do? How do I choose? One scenario I pull Bella out, once again, and she has to start over..yet again. That doesn’t seem fair. But then on the other hand, Gabs only wants to be with her father.Its such a simple request and a luxury that all children ,with two happily married people,should be afforded.But even this simple request, I can’t provide for the little people that I love more than life itself.This weighs heavily on my soul.Am I making the right choice? How can I choose one of my children’s happiness over the other? What are going to be the ramifications of these choices we are making today for our children down the line?Am I damaging my little ones?


So, here I sit alone in the quiet reevaluating every decision that I have made since the beginning of this entire situation.The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. It started with goodbye on a Sunday night, the girls started crying and they wore down the armor around my heart.And I haven’t been able to regain my strength and stability, the weight of their little breaking hearts has knocked me off of my feet.Today has been a succession of crying over movies, tv shows, Gabs telling me that she hates me, and a bedtime reading of Love You Forever. I feel like a fragile ball of exposed nerves  roaming free in the world. I am exhausted from the gravity of this whole ordeal. For now, I’ll pull my armor back on and regain my balance, for my girls. But I have to do some very serious soul searching. We think we are giving our children everything they could hope for but in the end, it boils down to what everything is to our children. For my girls, everything is a good night hug from their Daddy. It is priceless. How do I choose who deserves to be happiest? How do I tell one that their needs has to be put aside for the others?

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Parenting

Proof Positive that Parents are Cool!

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

 These made my Friday! How can you not smile watching these videos? Happy Friday, you cool people!

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HumorMarriage and Relationships

Sick Daddy Walking

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

Sick Daddy Walking.Really does that even exist? Seriously, when I get sick the world keeps on moving on.Asses need wiped, BooBoos kissed, Dinner made. Lunches packed, Laundry folded.Children chauffeured, dressed, bathed, coddled and loved. The show must go on.(PERIOD)

But when the Big Guy, or any man for that matter, is sick,the world comes to a screeching halt.Full on, falls to the ground, assumes the fetal position and can NOT move.Sniffles are sure to be whooping cough. Diarrhea must be cholera or dysentery. A fever, oh shit,he’s pretty sure its the bubonic plague.Vomiting must be fatal food poisoning.No matter the ailment,the end result is the same. They are dying and you must sit by their bedside and nurse their body while stroking their, (ehem) ego!

My husband and I have had the exact same virus, simultaneously and I had to get up and take care of the kids as he whimpered from the other bedroom ( because apparently when he’s sick he needs to be alone in another room to get his rest…really,novel idea. Can I borrow it sometime?I need some sleep too!)”What do you want me to do ( cough ,cough)?You shouldn’t have to do it all by yourself,( cough, sneeze, sniffle..repeat)but if you’re getting up,I think Gabs needs to be wiped!” Commence eye rolling on my part.

Have I told you about the time I had the stomach flu so badly that I vomited for 9 hours straight,every half hour on the half hour? Well, I did and guess what happened on the 9th hour?I finally felt well enough to walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water for my dehydrated self ( it was about midnight)when my then 4 year old walks out of her bedroom, we meet in the hallway, and she proceeds to say “Mommy, I don’t feel so…BLEH>>>>” all over my feet.As I was cleaning her up and trying to clean up the hallway and …my feet, the Big Guy walks out, only to say, “You Ok?” I say yes (yes, in the vomit was not acid like and had not burned off any of my skin or limbs. But not yes as in, I’m OK, life is dandy with vomit on my toes)and try to explain what had happened…to his back as he was headed back to bed.Guess what I got to do that night, after a long day of puking? You guessed it, I got to stay up all night with a sick daughter who kept puking.What did the Big Guy get to do? SLEEP!But if the tables had been flipped, you can bet your ass that I would have had to stay up and hold the barf bucket, wipe vomit off of faces, and soothe all general ill physical pains and emotions.

Just wondering if this happens at your house too? I love my Big Guy but there is something about a man sized baby that makes me want to gouge his eyes out.I just don’t understand why they get to be all baby like and get pampered and stroked and we have to soldier on. I’m not a soldier, nor have I ever been, and I don’t want to soldier on.When I’m sick, I want to receive the same care and attention the Big Guy and the kids expect from me.I want to be allowed the simple luxury of lying around in my jammies, sipping hot tea, while the world soldier’s on without me. For now,( cough, cough, sniff, sniff, and a trifecta of sneezes)I will soldier on!

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Girl Mom

The Clothing Crisis of 2010

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

Remember the good old days when you were trying to change your baby who was, in fact a cruiser or even walking but not quite potty trained, and it was like an episode of the WWF?( or more like WTF, if you were me) Every single time you’d try to diaper them,they would flip over ,quick as lightening, and try to escape, usually before you had gotten the chance to fasten the damn diaper. It was like some crazy game they liked to play and they ALWAYS won. You were left with a naked baby running crawling free and an overwhelming feeling of frustration. Oh, the frustration.Finally, you’d wrangle them back to the ground and in split second put the diaper on.It was like a rodeo event.Then they would gleefully, smirking crawl of into the sunset.You may have thought you won the battle, but really, who was crawling away smiling and who was annoyed? Think about it.

OR the days of trying to fix your hair as you ran away and I had to run right along with you to get those dang ponytails and barette into your hair!Anyways, that battle was cake compared to the battle I am facing with my now 5 year old..every single morning before school, every single time she changes out of her uniform, every single time she gets ready for bed!EVERY.SINGLE.TIME! We argue about what she is going to wear.Have I mentioned she goes to private school and wears a uniform? You would assume that would eliminate some of my headache, right? You would be wrong.Completely wrong!

No way, she still finds a way to argue. Different skirt.Wrong shoes.Knee socks,Short socks. Blue socks. White socks.Corduroy skirt.Pleated skirt.Long sleeve shirt. Navy shirt. White shirt. Baby blue polo.Button up.Navy sweater. Navy sweater with hoodie.Gym shoes. Brown shoes. Mary Janes.Fancier headband. Hair down.Braids. No ponytail.Ponytail.Not high enough! It is like this every single morning and it is driving me insane.Completely out of my mind! It’s way worse than that cute little adorable flipping WWF move she did when she was 10 months old.Oh, how I miss the days when that was the most sass she gave me.

I’m beginning to wonder if hormones don’t kick in around the age of 4. I know that we all assumed it was at puberty but I’m pretty sure my girl is having mood swings now.Damn,I even go the organic route to avoid all the extra hormones specifically to avoid the early onset of hormone influx.Jokes on me!Guess all that $9 milk was a waste of money.Of course, I will continue to buy it for the risk that it could be worse if she were drinking the hormone laden milk.I ‘ll just wait for the days when I look back on these days and long for them.For now, how I miss my little naked WWF wrestler.Wasn’t that just yesterday?

Oh, how I could go for some flip flopping baby running naked and free!Don’t blink these moments are fleeing and I am going to stop and soak them all in.Even the clothing crisis of 2010, for all its worth! Happy Mothering!

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Parenting

Like taking Candy from a Baby

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

Before we had children, the Big Guy and I were all about Halloween. It was all about the haunted houses, getting the cream filling scared right out of us, picking out a cute costume and having a great party to celebrate.It was always over the top and spooky and we loved it.We lived for it.

Halloween 2008

Now things are different. Now, we have our girls. Halloween is all about dressing up like your favorite story book character, walking around the neighborhood and hearing people ooh and ahh over our girls as they tell them “Here, you’re so cute. Take a couple more pieces!”I find it quite hilarious. I told my husband last night, this whole being cute making life easier thing starts early in life.I’d never noticed before. I couldn’t believe how many houses the girls went up to and some elderly gentleman ( Grandpa like) or Daddy type would tell my girls to take an extra helping from the goodie basket. Really, maybe I was over analyzing the whole thing, maybe it was my sickness impeding my senses but we tell our kids not to talk to strangers. We raise them to never take candy from strangers. I try to raise my daughters to know that their worth as a being has nothing to do with the way they look.Yet, we go out on Halloween trick or treating..begging for candy from strangers.Cohorting with strange adults for candy.Smiling and kowtowing for a piece of candy. Then on top of all these mixed messages, they are actually being given more candy simply for being cute.I guess this is where it all begins. This is where little girls learn that being attractive makes life easier for you; that it makes the world respond to you in a more attentive way.

Halloween 2009

What kind of message am I sending to my girls? I’m sure this went on when I was a kid too but I didn’t pay attention because I WAS the kid.I was just ecstatic to get the candy.I didn’t think of mixed messages or talking to pedophiles but now all that comes flooding to my brain when I think about my girls.Funny how, my biggest concern at Halloween was razor blades in apples and cyanide ridden popcorn balls ( remember, Mom used to toss those things directly into the garbage?)now I have to consider pedophiles, non politically correct feminist squashing candy tactics, and how to explain how it is wrong to talk to strangers ever..except for on Halloween night.Life was so much simpler when my biggest worry was whether or not I would get scared enough.Then, I had children and what scares me the most is that the worrying will never cease. Having your heart walk around outside your body is hard work.Happy Halloween!

Halloween 2010
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Marriage and RelationshipsMom Life

Sometimes single Mothering

by Deborah Cruz
written by Deborah Cruz

As most of you are aware, the Big Guy works out of town..A LOT! Like several days of the week. Basically, that leaves me to Mother the girls all by myself. Honestly, when he comes home for a couple days..its like Christmas and Fourth of July all in one.Its chaotic and exciting  but it’s not routine.It’s like a great big Daddy tornado sweeps through the house.We love it.Believe me, I am ecstatic that he has a job at all and I look forward to him coming home the way most people look forward to the last day of their work week. But when it is over, I am left to pick up the emotional pieces ( and literally to clean up the house that the tornado hit); to soothe the crying, to bandage the heart wounds, to deal with girls missing their Daddy.Plus I get to do all the stuff all mothers get to do, I work from home, I clean,cook, do laundry, run the girls to and fro various activities, arrange play dates, bathe them, get ready for school, pick up from school, homework,pack snacks, sign permission slips and all the other obligatory school responsibilities,ballet, rehearsal, and on top of all of that…try and maintain my sanity.

So,when I got engaged in a Twitter debate with  a fellow tweep over a statement similar to this “just because your husband works out of town a lot does not make you a single mother.” Her viewpoint, being neither a single Mother, nor a woman whose husband is gone 5/7ths of the week, was that my disagreement with the statement was not right. In fact, she went as far as to tell me that I was not single mothering it…I was lonely.Which made me laugh because how the hell can I be lonely when I have 2 littles with me at all times of the day and night? Hell,I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself.I’m not lonely…most days.I’m too busy with all this mothering business that I do on my own to be lonely. She argued that I was married and the fact that he paid the bills made me not single mothering.Wow! Who knew the only qualification for being a father or co parenting is to pay some bills! I love a woman who has never walked a minute in my shoes telling me that my life is easy and I am just a lonely complainer. Yey, for her!

I really should have just stopped tweeting because honestly trying to explain it to her was like trying to talk to an ESL student in Pig Latin on Mars. I don’t know if she didn’t understand what I was trying to say or simply just didn’t care. I am going to say it was the latter.

Let’s be clear, I have the utmost respect for single mothers. I don’t know how you do it. You are seriously the hardest working women in the Mommy business. That being said, it’s no picnic having a husband who has had to take a job that takes him away from the house….always. It’s not occasional business trips.The weekly job, that is the business trip.Can you say commuter marriage? I am NOT a single mother because I am not single.I am married. That is true. But this is also true, I do all the mothering and daddying..5 days a week..by MYSELF! So, when this narrow minded broad, who doesn’t know me, doesn’t share my situation, doesn’t even listen to my explanation, tries to tell me that I have it easy because I am married, forgive me for wanting to punch her in her gullet. It was almost as ridiculous as having a single non child having person trying to give out parenting advice.

What are your thoughts?Do you sometimes single Mother? Are you a full time single mother? Do you think life would be easier if it were only sometimes? Or maybe it would be easier if it were full time?What qualifies it as being hard? Time spent doing it? Doing it alone? Isn’t mothering hard enough with all the Mommy guilt?Now, we have to prove how hard it is to other unsympathetic women?

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