Mom Life

Coming off this past weekend where I just spent every ounce of my energy tending to two very sick little girls, you can imagine my dismay when I called my own Mother this morning ( who was supposed to be coming for a week long visit)  only to find out she has changed her mind.

It went a little something like this:

Me: “Hi, Mommy (Yes, I still call her Mommy). So, when are you getting here?”
Mom:Hesitation in her voice, damn she must have read my FB updates about sick kiddies, “Well, I am trying to figure that out. When do you think would be best?”
Me: “Well, I thought you were coming tomorrow.”
Mom: “Well, I’m trying to figure out what will work out best for BOTH of us.”
Me: “Mom, the girls have both been sick all weekend. I am exhausted and to be honest, I think I am getting sick too. I could really use your help with the girls THIS week!”
Mom: ” Sick? What kind of sick? I think maybe I should come the week before the 4th of July.”
I think as soon as I confirmed the sickness rumors and she heard the word “sick” all she heard from then on out was white noise.

WTF????? Did she misunderstand that I just asked my MOMMY for help? What part of “I need help with the girls” is she having trouble understanding?

Me: ” Mom, are you coming or not?”
Mom: “Well, what do you think would be best?” ( I thought we just went over this!)
Me: Again, am I not speaking English? “I think I need you THIS week. The girls are getting well and will want to be playing outside and I will want to be in bed dying.”
Mom: “Ok, well you let me know.(Hello? Is this thing on?)  Oh, by the way, can you come here this weekend for you brother’s birthday party?” Commence my eye rolling and seizure having.
Me: WTF???Seriously, what the hell is going on here? Where is Ashton Kutcher, surely I must be getting punked! I love this woman but I am thoroughly confused. Apparently, we were playing a game of Chinese telephone that I had no idea that I was engaged in because she understood absolutely nothing of what I was saying.” OK, Mom. I will call you back.”

Apparently, my Mom doesn’t want to come take care of my children while I am sick but won’t actually say no. She’s from the south, they don’t like to be “ugly” about things. So, to recap; as I was being Supah Dupah Mommy this weekend taking care of any and all urges and whims of my poor sick children, my Mom is probably at home , at thsi ver moment, Lysoling the receiver to be sure she doesn’t catch my cooties through her land line. How can she be my Mom and we be such different types of Mommies? I should add that she only lives an hour away and she ALWAYS tells me , “When you are sick, if you ever need me to come help with the girls..JUST CALL!” I did! So much for that idea. Now, here I go back to my whining sick children ( Gabs is lying in bed making a sound like a dying calf) as I try my best not to go delirious with my own fever. Happy Mothering!

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With great power comes great responsibility.Don’t we know it. We’ve all come to Motherhood, for better or worse, because we wanted to love a child.The thing is, I don’t think any of us thought it completely through. How could we? We were not equipped with all the facts. No one told me that from the moment of  conception, I would henceforth be completely forgoing any and all of my own needs, wants, and desires. I don’t mean things like going to bars, staying up all night, blowing a wad of cash on useless crap. No, I am referring to the basics like going to the bathroom alone, showering for more than 3 minutes,having the luxury of shaving my legs, waxing my lip,  being able to eat a warm meal, being able to read a book that wasn’t about a Toad or a Frog, being able to get an entire sentence out of my mouth before being interrupted, being able to actaully spend time with my husband as spouses and not Mommy and Daddy. The shame of it all is that its not only expected of Mommies, it’s practically demanded. Every time I feel like I might want some thing ( however small it may be) for myself ( a goal, a minute, a dream), I can feel all of society giving me that look, you know the one . The “you made your bed now lie in it ” look!
I feel like Motherhood makes women superheroes, dually a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is fantastic that we can mean so much to our children, when they are small but at the same time a curse, as we are expected to do all things, at all times, for all those we love with the exception of ourselves.If you dare break from script, then you get crowned a right selfish bitch. You are made to feel guilty for wanting needing to be something more.  How dare you want to be a person? Oh wait, you are a person.You are human and as such you deserve such basic human rights as freedom to live and say and do what YOU want.; to enjoy a drink that I poured myself without having to worry if someone is back washing in it or spilling it, to be able to hear yourself think, to sleep for increments larger than 3 hours, to be able to have an hour a day to pursue your dream, hell, to have a dream.
I realize I’ve made my bed, and I love my bed, but sometimes Mommy needs someone else to take responsibility for making the bed so I can go out and enjoy a latte with my girlfriends like an adult; like a real person with real thoughts, real feelings, and limitations. With limitations come meltdowns when we are pushed beyond our breaking point. Don’t feel less of a Mother for this, feel more. If we don’t break down once in awhile and always power through, we are doing a disservice to our babies. We have our meltdown, we step back, we breathe, we rejuvenate, and we come out the other side a better Mommy, a better person. Just keep in mind, my fellow superheroes…Mommies are people too!

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Wanted; Silent Ninja Mommy Assistant~ Seems that I , along with every other Mommy in the world, may be in need of a little help, in the way of an extra pair of arms, eyes, and ears. Not to say we should evolve into some sort of crazy mutant cyborg with highly functioning ears, eyes, and at least two MORE fully functional arms but something of the like, but not so scary. I was thinking more in the way of a Mommy assistant.I don’t think its too much to ask. CEO’s have assistants and all they do is run a company. Mommies raise the future, we grow babies, we produce milk for God’s sake. It’s a big job and we need a little help.

Ninja Mommy Assistant Please

Now, I am not referring to a nanny, though that would be nice as well, I suppose. But I really want to do this Mommy gig..hands on, so a Nanny would sort of be cheating..for me. I’m only talking about me. I don’t know your situation and I’m not being judgmental. If you have a nanny at your disposal, you go girl! You are just smarter than me. You probably knew to get an epidural at 4 centimeters too. No heroics. No un-medicated transition labor for you. So I’m a little hard headed and it takes me longer to give in to reason. I learn….eventually.

Anyways, I think I just need a silent partner who sort of shadows me and picks up the slack.You know, Mommy turns her starts to roll off changing table, shadow assistant steps in and stops the whole thing from coming to fruition. Mommy needs to work out, screaming baby wakes up mid workout; no problem, ninja assistant slips in, puts kid back to sleep..Mommy gets her figure back. Mommy’s running errands, she’s running late; the “assistant” gets dinner started and when Mommy pulls up with sleeping kiddies…oh, yeah, you know what happens next….That wonderful, God bless her, bitch runs out to the SUV and grabs the groceries while you very quietly and meticulously remove the child from the car seat and relocate them to bed. In turn, earning yourself a well deserved hour of quiet to pay bills and hear yourself think.  I bet the Ninja Mommy Assistant would be great for fielding people at the door, unwanted phone calls, wrangling play dates gone awry. She could do laundry, dishes ( dishes would be a must), pick up laundry and toy rooms. She could read all the parenting books and highlight the important information in her nightly report to me.She could do all the other stuff while I actually get to be the Mommy! For example: I’d kiss booboos, and she would call to schedule doctors appointments. Sweet right? How amazing that would be? I’d be so much less stressed and I am sure that would make me a higher level functioning, all around much better Mommy.

Silent Ninja Mommy Assistant

So, who could fill such a tall order? A nanny does a lot of Mommying ( at least the ones I know) so that wouldn’t work for me. A maid only does cleaning, not such an asset if the  kids running around the house naked with scissors. A Mommy’s little helper could go either way, I think its a great idea in theory but if they are too young…you end up with another kid on your hands. A babysitter, well, that conjures images of a teenager eating pizza, and texting waiting to get slashed in a B movie while she’s supposed to be watching my kids… so that doesn’t really sound all that appealing. Nothing like putting a kid who attracts Micheal Myers into the situation. No thanks. A Daddy is prefect except for the fact that most Daddy’s are missing the “ears” part, I swear they never hear kids yelling and bickering (it’s the thing I envy about my husband the most). But no one else could love or have the kids best interest at heart as much as a Daddy…except for a Mommy , of course!
I guess its just my own issue. But I do know unequivocally that I can use some assistance. Hmmm, I wonder how that whole cloning business is coming. Then I could have a helper that would do everything I expected, in exactly the same way as I would do it myself. It would be me times two. Perfection!Oh wait, me and myself having PMS at the same time..yikes bad idea.All the “extra” hands in the world aren’t worth that. Guess its back to the drawing board. But if anyone knows of a silent ninja Mommy assistant that would fit the bill, send her my way. I’d even take a Nanny McPhee, but no Mary Poppins.I Ms. Poppins gets a little too attached to the kiddies for my taste. You can never be too careful these days. Happy Mothering!

Ninja Mommy Assistant Needed

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Seems like the damn Cleaning fairy has once again missed my house! Damn her. Now, I suppose I will have to spend the whole day tomorrow not only trying to pull together some crap for my neighborhood garage sale but trying to get my house up to par before my husband returns home this weekend. You know, I am so glad when he comes home but since when does he get the “guest” treatment? I mean, wait a minute, aren’t I the one holding it all together all week long? Why should I be trying to convince him that the house is always immaculate? He’s lived here full time before..he knows these kids are like Tasmanian devils on crack. Who am I trying to fool? and why is he going along with it? That’s it, I’m boycotting! The Cleaning Fairy better get her ass over here STAT! By the way, why do we always try and convince our visitors that our house is always spotless, especially our other Mommy friends? Doesn’t it only serve to make them feel like they are less of a Mommy because they are at an immaculate house..knowing damn well there are Goldfish and Cheerios keeping company on their floors? I’m making a decision..I have to stop this madness. I’m doing it for all of us. So next time you are over my house and its not immaculate, don’t judge me…I’m doing it for you! I am sacrificing my own cleaning standards and anal retentiveness, so that you may live more peacefully and happy!Happy Mothering. I’m off to bed. See you in the morning dirty house and I may or may not give you the attention you so crave in the morning!

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Yesterday did not go according to plan. But does it ever? What’s the saying? The road to hell is paved with what??? Oh yeah, good intentions. Hell, probably great intentions.

The entire weekend was pretty awesome. If you disregard the groggy feeling that was induced by the Ambien induced sleep. And I thought I was going to awake well rested and ready to conquer the world. Ha! Then there was the freezing weather that we had to till the garden in if we had any hope of planting this weekend.

I know it was my weekend, and my idea for this lovely flower garden, so what kind of an asshole would I have been if I sat by and watched my poor husband till the garden in 40-degree weather? So, I helped. The damn tiller nearly pulled me across the yard and into my neighbor’s yard, that would have been solid. I’m sure that would have gotten me thrown out of the association. There I am being drug around the garden like a rag doll as my daughters ran amuck and my husband and  I froze our collective asses off, hoping and praying the hundreds of dollars we spent on flowers were not for naught since there was a frost MAY!!! What? Did this frosty bitch come in just to spite me and eff up my Mothers Day? Seriously!

Once all was said and done, my husband and I were too sore to cuddle or have any “romantic” time together. That was Saturday. Then Sunday, the Mother of all days, I woke up late, I woke up grouchy, I woke up sore, I didn’t make it to mass, spent the day trying to get the flowers into the garden while my poor husband kept trying to shoo me inside so I could rest. I couldn’t rest when there was so much to be done and I surely am not the type to sit around and sit on my ass as he is working like a horse in the garden. Poor guy!

The girls were underfoot trying to help, slowing the process down even further. God bless ’em they were trying. After all was said and done, I have a beautiful flower garden. We ended the day with a deviation from our usual fancy gourmet meal my husband usually prepares. Instead, we had lovely burgers on the grill, grilled potatoes and corn on the cobb ending the meal with strawberry shortcakes. It may not have been the gourmet meal originally planned, but after a hard day of work, it sure hit the spot.

In the end, this weekend reminded me that it is not what you do (or don’t do) on Mother’s Day, it’s who you spend it with! I was blessed enough to spend mine working my ass off in my garden with my beautiful family. If the amount of love put into this garden is any indication of how beautiful it will be, I will soon be tending the most gorgeous garden in the city. In my garden of life, a plethora of love surely blooms!

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I’ve noticed a lot of my friends, real world, bloggy world, imaginary and otherwise, are all up in arms about what they will be receiving for Mother’s Day. I understand this. Us Mommies, we are under appreciated, overwhelmed and underpaid. We get no vacation, no time off for good behavior, hell,we can’t even get solitary confinement ( all I want is to be able to pee by myself, is that really too much for a grown woman to ask for?). I have friends who want flowers, friends who want chocolates, jewels ( well, y’all know how I feel about diamonds! Now, if I could just get my husband to read my blog), nice brunch, etcetera , etcetera. If I were listing actual tangible things well, I’d say …. a breast lift, a tummy tuck, lipo,some botox, a spa day, my youth back, some energy,  a Louis bag, a Birkin bag,
some Louboutin shoes,

a Range Rover, a vacation to anywhere. This is exhausting, this list could go on forever. But what I really want is what my husband is giving me… my gardens, to provide nourishment, beauty, butterflies, and to make me feel like a better Mommy. Even better than that I will be getting a weekend ( oh yes a weekend, not 1 stinking day!Hell no..for carrying and birthing my two beautiful giant headed daughters? He’s lucky I don’t want an entire month!) of my husband cleaning the house, watching entertaining (dance Monkey , dance! Who’s the Monkey now, big Daddy?)  engaging the kids, cooking ( oh yeah, Mr. Man can cook his bootie off. He’s already called to take my weekend order. I’m not sure , but I know Strawberry Tiramisu is on the menu somewhere), doing those damn awful dishes, and me..resting and SLEEPING! Oh yeah, you heard me right. This no sleep shit is for the doctor agrees. That’s why this Mother’s Day weekend, I’ve got a hot date with AMBIEN.Come here you lovely bitch, Mama’s been waiting a long time to hook up with you..or maybe I should say bed down cause my happy ass is sleeping in this weekend! I am so excited, I just about can’t stand it! And Sunday, after I am all rested and relaxed, Mama is going to take a bottle of wine down to the media room and watch an entire movie by myself with No interruptions! ( I am not saying to mix pills and booze. They will be taken on separate occasions…just to clarify, No pills and booze will be consumed together.) I can’t wait for Mother’s Day. Who needs fancy restaurants and gifts when I can have sleep, sanity, and PEACE!! Just imagine how much more enjoyable I will be to be around and how much more I will be able to enjoy my children after a full weekend of 8 hours of sleep a night, for the first time since my lovely Bella was conceived! God Bless you honey! I promise I will return the favor on Father’s Day!

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OK, my lovelies..its been a hectic past week and an even crazier weekend. I am simply pooped. I will return to regular scheduled postings tomorrow. Tonight I need sleep. My brain is only half functioning after a day of spring cleaning, yard work, laundry hanging, baby wrangling, toddler tussling, preschooler bargaining, and loads and loads of loving. Mommy needs to get in her eight hours tonight. See you in the morning!

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So, I am looking around and checking out some of my favorite blogs when I read a post title that almost simultaneously gave me a brain hemorrhage and made me pee myself a little laughing so hard (Y’all remember my post about stress incontinence..its no laughing matter:). What is the title you ask? Well, what I read was “Abuse with Caution”, this is a Mommy blog. I’m wondering what the hell she’s doing? She’s beating her kids and announcing it to the world. Further more, she is giving tips and suggesting that if you decide to follow suit, you must do so with extreme caution. It made me think of all those Anorexia/Bulimia websites that they’d tell teen girls to go to in order to learn to avoid developing eating disorders but all it really did was teach girls how to have the eating disorder and hide it well. Sorta counter productive don’t you think? I am flashing back to “No wire hangers” and conjuring pictures of some poor little mass huddled in the corner, whimpering as their parents abuse them with non bruising items such as pillows…Styrofoam…hot dogs…pillow pets…silly string. I don’t know. I was so confused and bewildered at how and why you would post such a thing. I had to check it out. Upon further inspection, I realized what the title actually was..”Advise with Caution” a post about giving pregnant women advice. Oops, my bad. Sorry Peryl @ almost called the bloggy authorities to come rescue your kiddies from being beaten to near death by cotton candy! Boy, do I need some sleep! Happy Mothering…and remember, NO wire hangers!

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I want to be the best Mommy with all the right answers, the patience of a saint, only feed my kids organic food, occupy their time with mind expanding activities, make sure they get enough sun and exercise and be a good life role model for them. Isn’t that what we all want?
I also want to be able to maintain friendships, my sanity, my marriage, and possibly contribute to society in some small way. I realize that there are some of you out there who have this all under control. That is awesome for you. I am glad you have found your healthy balance. I ,on the other hand, have moments when I get really ambitious and decide that this is it. This will be the day that I make a list and pursue my dreams, be the Mommy I want to be, the friend who actually has time to listen to her friends when they talk, to workout and watch what I put in my mouth, to take the time to get dressed and get ready before I go out in to public view. I do. I get really optimistic and I just do it. The longest it lasted was for 7 months. It was awesome. But lately I feel like I am all talk and no action. Too tired for action. I am full of ambition and good intentions but it seems an impossibility to bring them to fruition. The day to day minutia is starting to feel like quicksand and I’m sinking.
The thing is I notice that there really is no such thing as having it all. You can have a whole lot of little pieces of everything, basically do everything kinda half-assed or you can pick one thing and do it really well. This is as it pertains to me, anyways. The rest of you may have a more astute  grasp of your limitations and be able to balance things a little better than I. To my detriment, I tend to be an all or nothing type of gal.
When I have all my balls in the air and everything falls into place, it is wonderful. But I have to find a steady rhythm, and place my energy very strategically. It’s hard keeping all those balls in the air at the same time but it is totally worth it. The problem comes that once you get one iota off balance the whole thing comes crashing down.So, that doesn’t work for me either.
On the other hand, focusing on one task at a time has never been my strong suit. It feels like wasted time. I am a multi-tasker. How then can I find a way to balance it all? I feel that if I focus on only my children, I am doing them a disservice as a role model.Though I would be an awesome example as a Mother.  I feel that if I focus on a career, I am not only missing out on my children growing up but am also teaching them that a career is more important than family. I know it shouldn’t have to be one or the other but that’s the way it feels.
I want all my balls in the air in perfect symmetry; I want to have all the time in the world to see everything my children do as they grow up, I want to be revered for my mind and want a career that recognizes that, I want to be able to give my husband my undivided attention when he talks to me, I want a clean house, a healthy lifestyle for my family,a working relationship with God,friends, and family, and to breathe the fresh air of a beautiful country.I want happiness and fulfillment; not just contented pacification. I want it all! Any suggestions?

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Now that my post from yesterday has confirmed all of your suspicions that I am ,in fact, not perfect. I just wanted to thank you for your support on a dark day in my Mommy history. I also wanted to let you all know that the breakdown may have been exactly what we all needed. We woke up in a much better disposition and I think we all had a little more consideration for each others feelings today. Gabs realized that maybe whining and screaming constantly is not the best way to accomplish her goals for the day. Bella realized that maybe it would be much easier to just actually listen to Mommy and help her out when she asks than to argue and end up miserable and without television and Barbies. Myself, I realized that I love these two little monkeys more than life itself and sometimes I gotta say to hell with the stress inducing responsibilities; dance when I should be folding laundry, go outside and push them on the swing set even though I really should be doing the dishes, hug them tight when they are frustrated and screaming rather than joining in and aggravating the situation.I have learned that I got to get my priorities back on track. I think we all learned from yesterdays fiasco. The truth of the matter is this; we are all human and humans make mistakes. What separates us from the animals is that we can learn and grow from the error of our ways. If not, we are nothing more than lions roaring into the abyss. I, for one, have decided that “roaring” is no longer a part of my repertoire that I am willing to embrace.

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