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Birth Control, Smirth Control ~ Who’s up for a game of Reproduction Roulette?

by Deborah Cruz

Birth Control, Smirth Control! What a Friday it’s been. My boobs are sore, I’m so freaking irritable that my mom offered up one of her precious panic attack halting Xanax,I’m exhausted and annoyed and craving fruit like it’s crack and I’m Whitney Houston. But for some reason, my Mom is hell bent on asking me..”Are you pregnant?” This only further irritates me. Hell really hath no fury like a woman on the verge of menstruating.

“No,Mom! It’s that time of month…why else are you throwing Xanax at me?”

But then I started thinking, as I do every single month, because I like to play russian roulette with my reproduction…am I pregnant?

birth control

Birth Control

Due to the stress of my life, after many years of EVERY kind of birth control under the sun, I gave up birth control almost 2 years ago. I’ve tried various pills, the patch ( that left a crusty bandaid rash..Ooh so sexxy), the Nuva ring ( which slipped out with increased cervical fluid, effectively defeating its entire purpose), vaginal inserts coupled with condoms ( why yes, it is very attractive when my vagina was frothing like a rabid dog. Why no? My vagina does not have a hangover and I did not insert an alka seltzer into my vagina for this occasion.) Hell, there was even a day in there where I considered getting an IUD (desperate times, desperate measures, my friends.) So when my doctor told me that I’d have to relinquish and go to a natural method, let’s just say I not so much gave it up as had it pryed from my cold dead hands by my gynecologist. Apparently, when you are over 35 and crazy stressed, birth control pills can cause you to stroke out or some shit like that. Well, you know what else can make a woman over 35 stroke out? A surprise baby!


Every single month, I spend a good 3 days wondering…”Am I pregnant?” It’s really not ever a possibility because between “other” forms of birth control, abstinence, knowing my ovulation, only seeing my husband on the weekends and being prone to exhaustion and migraines…it’s more of an irrational fear. But still, every month it’s the same thing. 1 day of  wondering where the hell my period is? 1 day of thinking,Oh my God, maybe this could be the illusive little boy ( our unicorn). And the 3rd day, praying to God that I’m not pregnant.Then like magic, with a choir of angels singing in the background, I am visited by the gift of eve.

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Birth control

Michal Zacharzewski, www.sxc.hu.

Birth Control

Why do I do this to myself? Maybe it’s that 2.5 dream that’s been beaten into my head since I was a child. Maybe I really do want another kid? Nah, I think I just like having the option and I’ve always liked living my life on the edge. Keeps things interesting. The smell of a friend’s newborn is all it takes for me to develop a sudden onset of amnesia. Luckily, my girls snap me out of it by throwing an epic bedtime tantrum, reminding me that I’m STILL wiping asses and co-sleeping. Worse still I’ve lost half my hair from stress and my mom won’t be around to supply me with Xanax after the summer break.

Birth Control


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Chrystal 2011/07/16 - 12:04 pm

I swear we must live twin lives. If you ever want to know what will happen when/if you decide to go for that magic #3/boy/unicorn, take a glimpse into my life. You will be blessed with Girl #3, which you will cry about and then finally resolve to, thinking “Okay, I’ll just be one of those families with 3 girls.” Your daughter is born and live is great. 6 months later you’ll get knocked up AGAIN, you’ll bawl your eyes out, your husband will lose his job, and you’ll think, “Well, as long as it’s a girl we’ll be okay because we won’t have to buy anything.” Then you’ll go to that ultrasound with your husband (who is unemployed so he can go to all the doctor appointments now) and you find out you’re having a boy. More tears. Your life will change from you and your two older daughters playing Mommy to the beautiful baby girl, to trying to figure out how to grocery shop with a 18 month old in the front seat of the cart and a 3 month old in a sling.

Well, maybe it wouldn’t happen EXACTLY that way… but it’s possible. lol 🙂

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/17 - 12:34 am

You have sufficiently scared the shit out of me:)LOL
Girl, you’ve got your hands full BUT you did get your unicorn! GO YOU!!! XO

Christine 2011/07/16 - 5:25 pm

Lol, you are so funny! Sometimes the stinging truth can be so humorous. I am 42 and probably on the brink of premenopause and I have never, in my life, been totally regular. About every 4 to 6 months I have a real nail biter of a week. My mother recently gave me some comforting family history – a great grandmother had a surprise pregnancy at the age of 55. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/17 - 12:33 am

If I found out that I had a surprise pregnancy at the age of 55, I would drop dead on the spot of shock! That being said my Grandmother had her last when she was 45 and my Mom had her youngest when she was 41. I’m telling you, some days I feel like a fertile ticking time bomb:)LOL

Sili 2011/07/16 - 7:55 pm

This is hilarious. Don’t get me started on the “am I really ovulating or am I pregnant?”

LOVE IT! When are they coming out with the “man” birth control? I’d love to see how that would work out…lol

Thanks for sharing!

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/17 - 12:29 am

Yes, the illusive MAn Birth Control…I do believe that the only birth control there is for men is either a vasectomy or A Bobbit, neither are options my husband is ready to explore:)LOL

Tam 2011/07/16 - 10:44 pm

Lesbianism. (It’s a word, I swear).

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/17 - 12:30 am

LOL! I guess that would eliminate the monthly guess work:)

Leighann 2011/07/16 - 11:34 pm

I had an IUD put in after my daughter was born. I’m not exaggerating when I say I went completely BAT SHIT crazy!!
I had to beg them to take it out!

I also secretly hope you have another one.

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/17 - 12:28 am

LMAO! Are you in cahoots with my Mama? OR my sisters for that matter. i have one pregnant, one working on it & they are both crossing their fingers that I do too. You know the whole misery enjoys company and all:)LOL
If it happens, I’ll be to break the news in a Throat Punch post:)LOL

Jennifer 2011/07/18 - 10:29 am

You can tell me to mind my own business if you like, but there are relatively new non-surgical forms of sterilization that I’m interested in myself — I think one is called Adiana and the other is called Essure. They work by plugging your fallopian tubes; Adiana is a silicon plug the size of a rice grain, and Essure is a small metal coil. Your body produces small amounts of scar tissue around the inserts to permanently block your tubes. No hormones involved, so if you’re done having babies, they might be a good option for you. I use birth control and my mind still likes to play pregnancy roulette on me with the 1-5% statistical failure rates!

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/19 - 3:24 pm

Thanks for the info. Im still a little leary about anything that has to produce scar tissue around it:( But I had never heard of Adiana. THanks for sharing.

Jenni Chiu 2011/07/18 - 10:45 am

Oh dear. I don’t know what I’m gonna do after this baby. No more birth control for me! Perhaps Hot Nerd will have to get his tubes tied. Shall we schedule an appointment for the Big Guy as well?

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/19 - 3:23 pm

Yes, why yes we should.I think they should take the fall for BC, since we split our assbones and tear our vags to birth their childrenXO Be careful next time…slow pushes.ok MAMA?

LADY GOO GOO GAGA 2011/07/19 - 9:58 pm

LOL – I do the same thing!! I guess it’s pretty dumb of me……

Truthful Mommy 2011/07/20 - 11:13 pm

Not dumb, we are jusy risk takers. We like to live life on the edge:)Daredevils is what we are:)

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