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Yearly Archives

2010

Sorry to those of you who have been following along. The weekend has once again gotten away from me. It’s really hard for me to spend time on the computer when I have my husband home with me. Our time is few and far between , so I have to make it count. Please forgive me. I know that you all understand! But here are the challenges that I issued for the weekend.

Be A Better Me (You)  Challenge – Day 17 ~ Cook what you want for dinner
Sounds simple right? I’m not sure about you but I spend a lot of time making what every body else wants, will eat or prefers. My choices usually are not even considered. I mean, I don’t cook food that I hate(I’m not trying to punish myself) but I also don’t ever say “Tonight, I’m going to make exactly what I like!” I can’t because, its not usually what the rest of the family wants. But my challenge for you is a simple exercise in remembering that you count and what you like. Pick a night and cook whatever it is that YOU like. How many times have you made what your husband likes to make dinner special? How many times have you choked down your kids favorites so they’d be happy? Probably always, right? Tonight, make what you want. If you didn’t have to consider picky eaters palettes,what would you eat? Me, well, I love sushi, eggplant and green peppers. All things that are very much unappreciated by the rest of my family. Maybe a little eggplant parm is exactly what this situation calls for in my house. What would be your dream meal?

Be A Better Me ( You) Challenge- Day 18 ~ Get rid of a bad habit
We all have something we do that we don’t want to do or is not necessarily good for us.  These things serve as crutches to us. I don’t want crutches anymore. I am tired of being hobbled and want to stand straight on my own two feet.Bad habits are developed over time and serve no good purpose in our lives. The bad habit I have that I’d like to kick to the curb is needing the validation of asking ” Does this make me look fat?” Seriously, how is that question helpful? It means I am obsessing over my looks and expending my energy in a very negative way. It’s also liable to make me a bad Mommy if my girls hear this slip out of my mouth. I don’t want to pass on my weight issues. Why am I asking? If I am or I am not, or it does or does not make me look fat..is irrelevant. Even feeling like I need to ask the question, needing that validation is crippling me from being the best me I can be. If it bothers me then I should just work on it. I am my own worst critic and really no matter what the Big Guy answers, I am never satisfied. I need to stop asking that damn question; more importantly stop needing that validation from others. I need to just work on the problem and fix it rather than questioning myself and others. So,I am going to stop asking “Does this make me look fat?” To do this, I must work to make sure that I know that I am not. If I am not, then it stands to reason that I can not look like what I am not! End the end, ending this habit will be the catalyst to making me be a better me for me.What is your bad habit that’s keeping you down or holding you back?

Be A Better Me ( You) Challenge- Day 19 ~ Breathe; Relax
Stop snickering. It’s very simple but sometimes we need to be reminded. Life has a tendency to snowball and overwhelm us. It’s really a miracle what  difference having the forethought to stop, breathe deeply, exhale and relax. My Mom has told me this since I was a child and I never believed or fully understood. Quite frankly I thought she was a little crazy. It seems with having children I am gaining great wisdom and insight into the world around me. For example, one more thing I learned to understand fully, why parents would ever think of sending a teen aged daughter away to boarding school and pay all that money for virtually a baby sitter. Believe me, if these young emotionally charged years are any indication of what may be to come, I may be putting a kidney for sale for some peace and sanity. But lately, I have been trying to breathe. I will admit it has been a last resort, but it was the only way I could come to it. It’s making me a better person because its giving me the control to be in charge of my emotions and not fly of the handle, which, lets face, seldom works and usually just leads to guilt. I just feel like a better person being able to control my reactions to the world and situations that it seems to keep hurling at my head. Breathing make me feel in control and control is what winds my clock people.I can’t imagine how awesome I’d be if I could make myself meditate. Something I may have to make some time for. So, breathe and relax is your challenge. Just try it! I promise, you’ll like it.

Just a challenge update, my friends, I am sitting here with my hair fixed, and a dress on. I feel pretty cute. A little effort went a long way this morning! Also, I am sitting here in peace and quiet because the Big Guy has taken the girls shopping leaving me with some quiet , alone time. God bless him. And next week, BIG Guy and I have date night for my birthday. I can not wait. So be warned, there will be no posts next weekend! But I will be living the challenge..and the dream! Happy Mothering!

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Happy Friday!Well, I am trying to make it a happy Friday! I awoke in a little bit of a funk, don’t you hate when that happens? I should be ecstatic since the Big Guy will be here for dinner tonight and the girl will be out of school for the weekend. I think it may be the prospect of all of this housework that’s got me in the dumps.I guess I better just pull up my big girl panties and get to it…just as soon as I’m done with this post.Hope you are all having a wondrous Friday and looking forward to an even more splendid weekend. Ok, lovely readers of mine, I have 1 week and a day before my birthday! If you’ve been following me already you know that I am desperately trying to reach a goal of 1000 blog followers by my birthday. It’s my gift to myself! So, if you are not a certified follower please take the moment and click the Google Friend connect button in the sidebar. I would really appreciate it. Also, please share the blog with anyone you think might enjoy. Happy Friday!

1.   When I get a day to myself I like to…drink something warm, take a long, hot bath, lie in bed and watch veg movies ( like 80’s veg out movies).Meander around the house and enjoy the silence…nap!OMG, doesn’t that sound absolutely perfect. Hey anybody looking for a birthday present for Truthful Mommy..let’s make that happen:)Hear me Mom? *wink *wink*

2.  High school was….filled with new experiences and great friends. I loved high school. They say life is high school.I agree. Life is pretty great for me…most days:) Not Monday or Tuesday of this week but usually!


3.  A little dream I have is to write for SheKnows,Babble, or contribute to a major paper. Oh yeah and to have 1000 + blog followers by next Saturday!


4.  A big dream I have is  to start with a column, evolve into a book, become an empire and to travel the entire world with the Big Guy and my girls. I want to be Queen of my Destiny and I want the journey to be glorious. Is that asking too much? I think not!

5.  If I could drive any car my pick would be  

I just think this SUV is sexy and sleek. I’d feel powerful and hot driving it around town…chauffeuring rug rats!LOL

 6.  A time that I felt really and truly beautiful was  the moment my husband told me that he loved me for the first time. We were home on break from school in the fall,back when we were both much younger and thinner, we were kissing and he pulled away and looked at me and whispered..I love you. I knew he meant it. We had been dating for a little over a month. He scared me. He shocked me. But I could see it all over his face…I was home and I have never felt so beautiful as I did in those few extremely unconditional moments.



7.  Tomorrow I will…. spend the day with the Big Guy and our girls ,hopefully,  not doing much of anything. I need a rest! Lots of relaxing and loving on one another and I am really hoping for a nap!

  

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Now for my FAWK YOUs

Fawk you to being frustrated and not being able to protect my children from all the ignorance in the world!


Fawk You to clean laundry that once again refuses to put itself away!


Fawk You to the distance between where my husband resides and my girls and I reside.


Fawk you to the exercise that I NEVER have time to actually do. 


Yeah, FAWK you to the damn Shred DVD eyeballing me from the mantel..taunting me! Look dude, I am busy disengaging tantrum bombs and meltdowns. Sorry if I haven’t had any ‘me” time since I issued the challenge!!!!


Fawk you to all the stupid people in the world. I used to feel sorry for you but now you just annoy me. If you can’t use a word correctly please,for the love of Pete,don’t talk to me!!!


Fawk you to having someplace to go and nothing to wear! 


Fawk you to Mommy Guilt..what a useless emotion and waste of time!!!


Fawk you to my stupid dog who shit on my carpet because she was mad at me! Damn emotional train wreck. We need some more testosterone in the joint!






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It’s Thursday and that can only mean one thing…THROAT PUNCH THURSDAY! Life has been a little more chaotic than usual around here with the beginning of kindergarten. I have my 5 year old trying to feel her way around and get acclimated. She’s been feeling left out and overwhelmed  at school and I’ve been paying the price. Meanwhile, little sister is ducking to try and stay out of the way of flying tantrums, plus she is not without her own coping mechanisms.To say I have had my hands full is a grand understatement. Imagine my frustration when my 5 year old comes home and nonchalantly drops this bomb on me, “Mommy, my capris are not uniform dress code.” Me: “What? What are you talking about honey? I read the list , they are fine.” Bella:”No Mommy, in class the teacher made me and another kid stand up in front of the class and she said “THIS” is not dress code.” Me:(in my head) WTF????? Did she just say she was on her kindergarten class version of what not to wear? You know the show where you are tried and convicted of fashion crimes? I calmed myself and thought, Breathe Debi.Wait for the note about the capris that will surely be sent home if they are not dress code appropriate. But that note never came. Shouldn’t there be a note? I mean if it is serious enough to point it out to the entire class, doesn’t it at least warrant a note? Or what, is my daughter supposed to wear them again and have a recurring role on What not to wear?
I emailed the culprit of such a heinous crime. I am waiting to hear her side before passing my final judgment. But in my mind, until I hear further, this is complete bullshit. My girl is already overwhelmed and feeling distraught about kindergarten, how the eff can theoretically pointing to her and laughing possibly make that situation better? I am pretty much pissed off to the extreme. It’s hard enough letting go. Add to that the fact that now I don’t feel like she is in capable hands and its that much harder. I met the transgressor, she seemed very nice and has been doing this for 15-20 years. This is no rookie. I don’t let anyone, not ANY ONE, mistreat my child or make them feel like less than they are. I will go to blows with anyone who tries. Thats pretty normal right? I mean isn’t that my job? Protector of the universe and defender of my children? I’m hoping something got lost in translation. I am fully aware that quite frequently 5 year olds tend to turn a simple notice into a meandering game of Chinese telephone. If I’m wrong in what I think has transpired, I am not to proud to apologize. But if a transgression has transpired, the offender has been put on notice. She now knows that my girl has an advocate who is paying attention.
Theoretical Throat Punch is most definitely being awarded to the person who did not use her common sense. You can’t use someone’s child as your own personal bad example…next time keep your thoughts to yourself and send me a damn note.I mean, what the hell can my kid do about it? She’s 5, she doesn’t dress herself. How in hell is my girl ever supposed to feel at ease if she is being called out for a damn button on her capris? Seriously, its not even a violation of dress code and if it were, it should have never have been pointed out to her in front of the entire rest of the class. Only my good sense and a Godly heart have convinced me to give her the benefit of the doubt.That same benefit is saving people from a literal throat punch.As a side note, just one more piece of ammunition for my girl to add to her arsenal of reasons why Kindergarten is suck! Come on people, you are not making it easy for me to convince little people that good things are waiting at school. Seriously. WTF?

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Yesterday’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge -Day 15 ~ Be honest with yourself
How did you do? Did you eliminate the lies from your life? I am trying to be honest with myself about who I am, where I want to go or not go back to in life, what I want to be and do. There’s a lot of years of expectation and routine that need to be sorted through. It’s like peeling an onion and only by sorting through and crying a little will I find the me inside.

Today’s Be A Better Me Challenge- Day 16 ~ Relinquish the Mommy Guilt probably should have been day 1 challenge. After all, isn’t his a big part of what holds us back in living out loud? What version of ourselves would we be if there were no such thing as Mommy Guilt? Would we be less of a parent? Less of a good person? Or would we be the same, minus the crappy guilt side effect? How can we be our best “Me” if we are living by some one else’s standards? I’m here to tell you that guilt is a non beneficial, if not useless emotion. It’s like holding a grudge, all it does is expends energy that you could be using to enjoy your life rather than wallowing in a mistake. Wouldn’t you be willing to overlook a friend’s mistake or error in judgment? So why cant we forgive ourselves? I , for one, don’t want to waste my life feeling guilty ( I know in some instances its inevitable). I’d much rather be living up to my own standards. Today, I want to move through my day like water not held back by the quicksand of guilt. Today, I challenge you to live your life and not look back at what you may have or have not done wrong! Enjoy your day! Enjoy your children! Be you, minus the guilt.Be free!

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Yesterday, to put it frankly, was torturous. I was literally at my wits end. Not to be stuck on a topic but kindergarten has really tap danced its way across my sweet little Bella’s nerves. This kid is overwhelmed and emotionally spent every single day. I KNOW this is normal because I have had loads of feedback and complaints of this phenomenon occurring all over the world. Apparently, just 1 more thing those damn parenting books left out is that Kindergarten makes your little one certifiable. After surviving bed time last night all I wanted to do is talk to someone…anyone..particularly the Big Guy. I called him, ranting and raving at the lunacy that I had just endured. In retrospect, I guess I sounded like I was looking for an answer like a heat seeking missile. But I wasn’t. I know the problem, I know that its semi normal. I simply needed my sounding board to bounce things off of..for someone to hear me, especially since , I , suspect, spent the entire day talking to myself. I know this because my girls heard absolutely nothing I had said or they chose to ignore me. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt and going with they didn’t hear me. But the Big Guy, who is again out of town, felt he needed to give me an answer. I can’t imagine how he feels with me calling out of sorts and him being there. I know he feels guilty but its not his fault. I just needed him to listen. He got frustrated at his own lack of useful suggestions and I became overwhelmed…like “I’m drowning in this craziness” overwhelmed. I became silent. I had to go. I cried..long and hard, alone in my living room with my living room shitting dog staring at me ( probably wondering why I thought I was allowed to have a break down, after all she had things to chew up and shit out. Oh, did I forget to mention that now the dog is mad at me and decided the other day to add insult to injury and tag in with the kids. To do her part, she waited until I had a vomiting migraine, the kids were out of control and then she chose her time; the bitch shit on my floor! Oh yeah, anybody want a slightly used 11 year old boxer? I joke. Or do I?  ). I felt pretty ridiculous because if you have a breakdown and there is no one there to console you or feel guilty, did it really happen? And if so, what was the purpose? Anyways, after I was all cried out, I called the Big Guy out and I told him that all I needed was a sounding board, not a solution and I was rational because I had already had my breakdown with my only witness, that living room shitting dog of mine. I told him( the Big Guy not he LR shitting dog)  that through my monumentally awful shitty day, I had gained some great parenting knowledge. I finally understood why some Mom’s go crazy  and drive their car full of kids off a bridge somewhere. I would never do that; but I so understood how someone could be pushed to the brink of sanity by screaming kids. When they work together they are a powerful force to reckon with. I also now completely understand why some animals eat their young! I heard the Big Guy gasp and sigh at the same time. I hope I didn’t scare him too badly. Or maybe I do.
Today was a new day. Today, I made a decision that we were not going to have another day like yesterday. I don’t think any of us could mentally survive another one of those days consecutively. I changed my attitude, I changed my reactions, I breathed deeply, and today was so much better than yesterday. I actually felt like we were, before this affliction of kindergarten came through and ravished us all. I got the girls up and had clothes and breakfast ready to go. We made it to school just in time for the bell. I was very laid back. No freaking out about being late. No not me, that wasn’t the bigger picture. It was small.

When I picked Bella up from school, no arguing. I refused to be sucked into a verbal assault by an overtired 5 year old. She got bored with trying and moved on! One more small victory. We came home to refuel before running any more errands. Normally,we would have just went from school but I knew lunch needed to be provided or I would have tired /hungry meltdowns in PUBLIC! Never a good mix.One more small victory…high five for Mommy! After lunch we hit the library to pick up some movies and books. I was quick. I told them before we even got out of the car, 2 movies and 2 books! They listened! And to make it even better, I found this amazing find for $1!

How awesome is this? Totally fist bump worthy! We came home and went through the book, admiring the great works of the Louvre. Me and my 3 and 5 year old. This book may or may not have got me on the hook for a trip to the Louvre in the near future. Oh well, much nicer trip than off a bridge, right?LOL
They were so good, we went to the grocery store and (wait for it) they didn’t even pester me for  one of those God awful ginormous car/cart contraptions that I usually run into everything and everyone in the store.I kept them in line with the promise of some bike riding when we got home. Oh, Thank you God for small mercies. We were in and out, with our handy list, within 45 minutes. By this time, I was getting pretty afraid of what was to come. So we got the hell out of Dodge while the getting was good.
We got home and I kept my promise.

I set the timer on my phone and when it was done everyone put their own bikes back into the garage, without incident.Woot Woot! Then  I let them take long bubble baths.I got them dressed and let them watch one of their library movies. I made some sloppy Joes from an awesome recipe I found and some homemade granola while they watched their movie.We enjoyed a semi peaceful dinner ( there as some mutiny when they discovered that I tried to sneak green peppers in on them in the Joes; I removed the peppers and all was remedied). Then teeth were brushed and kids were put to bed. We had a small issue with someone not wanting to go to bed because her Lilo and Stitch movie was “Right at the good part Mommy”. I gave a little and we all survived the day with no crying, no screaming, and no thoughts of the bridge or eating my young. Here’s to tomorrow, may it be even better than today!It really is all about enjoying the small things in life. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go happy dance my ass all the way to bed!Happy Mothering!

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My Bella at the moment she was born. Wasn’t she beautiful and glorious?
This is my Bella at age 1. She was so sweet! OMG, she held my whole heart in those tiny little hands.Those eyes could look right through my soul and make everything in teh whole world make sense.
This is my Bella at age 2. That small lovely face was my world. I lived for every moment that I could be her Mommy.I was the luckiest person alive to say that you were born to me.
This is my Bella at 3 years old. She was quirky, funny, full of life and happier than I thought was legally allowed or possible!
This is my Bella age 4. Her first day of preschool in Chesterfield. She was nervous, you can see the trepidation on her face.But she was excited and went on to adore WUMP and all of the cherished friendships that she made there.     

This is my Bella at age 5 , her first day of Kindergarten! Since then, I have not seen this little girl!  I miss that smiling, happy little girl!
This is who always seems to be waiting for me at Kindergarten pick up! Seriously, little girl..you are a crazy, emotional, overwhelmed and down right mean to your Mommy wreck. I can’t take this out of control 16 year old trapped in and taking my 5 year olds body hostage every day. Please give her back! I will pay whatever you want. You can have my house, my car, my dog…hell, I’ll even throw in a years supply of cootified Chuckie Cheese tokens for your enjoyment.Just give me back my Bella! Now, it’s almost 11,excuse me while I go face my doom at yet another kindergarten pick up. Seriously….Give me my girl back!
Hang in there baby. Mommy’s coming to save you.Uummm, save me us from your emotional state.No one told me the crazy em
otional teenage tantrums could appear this early.I think I know the remedy… that’s right, I’m bringing out the big guns. I’m bringing NAPS BACK!! Love you Baby!!…..even if you have lost your ever loving mind in Kindergarten!
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Yesterday’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge- Day 14 ~ Pursue your Passions with fervor
what can I say. I actually did make a concerted effort to get something accomplished yesterday. I got something written down and now I just have to get it edited today and submitted. It’s really an on going process for me. In order to pursue, I have to keep at it. It’s not a one day did and quit it sort of challenge.It’s a challenge that you have to wake up to everyday and make your bitch! You can’t accomplish anything if you don’t try. You never know where your hard work will lead but you know for certain if you don’t try, you absolutely won’t accomplish anything!

Today’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge- Day 15 ~Be Honest with yourself
That’s right, I said it. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we tell ourselves lies for so long that we start to believe the hype. Remember when you were “you” just “you” and not held to the standard of all the  titles you have since taken on? You had an idea of who and what you wanted your life to look like, right? I know I did. Mine doesn’t look much at all like what I had planned, with the exception of the girls and the Big Guy. In my plan, I had the fab career and then the husband and kids came naturally..later. There was actually no plan for the Big Guy and girls. I just knew it would happen. But, life had other plans and I met the boy before the career happened. I was head over heels and life happened. My career got pushed to the side because of moves for his job and then children. I kept telling myself that I would get back to law school. I kept telling everyone that. In the mean time, I went to grad school. While I was planning to get my derailed life back onto its planned tracks, I did a lot of accidental living. But I kept telling myself that I would get back to law school. Even though, as life was happening I was reassessing and I knew by about 3 years into the marriage that I didn’t want to do law school anymore. I actually had decided that I wanted to be a SAHM until my girls were older. The career I had wanted would have included a lot of traveling and long hours and I knew , in my  heart, that I wanted more time with my family.But I refused to let go of the plan because if I did, to me, that was admitting defeat. It was a loss of control and anyone who knows me, knows I am a control freak. I still toy with the idea of law school but why? My passion lies elsewhere. It lies in taking pen to paper, it lies in the creases of my Gabi’s smile, the sound of my Bella’s laugh, it resides in the fact that I am loved unconditionally. I guess I hate to admit that I am just like all those Mom’s of the 1950’s who seemed to be defined by their home and their children. But I am not defined by the fact that I am a Mommy. It is just one facet of who I am. Right now, it just has to be the part of me that takes priority. That is the truth. They won’t always be little and I won’t always be home all day. But by acknowledging that I no longer want to go to law school, I am freeing myself to move on to my plans of becoming the person I really want to become. Some of what I wanted in my plan for life, I still want. I just need to remember what they are and go for it. The journey may have changed paths but the destination is the same; happiness and fulfillment.
What lies are you telling yourself? Maybe yours isn’t about a goal or career choice, maybe its a version of yourself that doesn’t exist anymore ,never will again, or never has. Maybe you are telling yourself if you had the perfect wardrobe, house, car, husband, children, body, face, hair, friends, etc things would be perfect. Is it holding you back? Set yourself free and embrace who you are and where you want to go from this point on. Living in the past may be preventing you from having a magical and memorable future filled with happiness and success.

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Yesterday’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge-Day 13 ~ Love yourself unconditionally
Let’s just say that it will be one that I will be working on for the rest of my life. It’s probably my biggest fault and I will have to work at it consciously and continuously. I am trying to change the way I think about myself. My head knows that I am capable and worthy of all that life has to offer,sometimes my vision gets clouded by all the minutia of the day. That is exactly why I am doing this challenge because I want to be able to accept and love myself unconditionally but I also want to be the best me that I can possibly be for myself and as an example for my girls. I don’t want them to think that once they become Mommies they have to relinquish who they are. How am I supposed to tell them that they can have it all, if I show them that they can’t?

Today’s Be A Better Me ( You) Challenge – Day 14 ~ Pursue your passions
Back on Be a Better Me Challenge – Day 2-Admit your goals 
I asked you all to admit, scream from the roof tops what your goals were in life. Tell anybody who will listen but no matter what you do, face up to them. Give them a fighting chance at coming to fruition. I hope you all did that. Now, today I want you to all do something to pursue that goal/dream. Mine is to be a published author. My blog is my portfolio. I started this blog to build my portfolio and to practice/ to pursue my life’s passion. I do it everyday. Everyday I feel like I  am actively working on my dream , rather than just sitting on my ass and waiting for it to find me. I am taking next steps to expand my portfolio. I’ll keep you posted. I don’t want to speak of it yet because I don’t want to jinx myself. But I feel it, good things are on the horizon. I have adopted the Failure is NOT an option attitude. I have always thought that I could do anything but then things like time, exhaustion, places to be, things to do became an obstacle. I have to keep my eyes on the end result. I’m not stopping until I reach my passion and exhaust all my potential. Basically, I’m putting my money where my mouth is and I am going to be published or bust! Hope you will join me in taking some step towards making your dream a reality. Even if it’s just a baby step, a step in the right direction is better than sitting on your ass and waiting for the world to bend to your will. You will feel so much better taking this stand to reclaim your passion in life. Be warned: In doing this, you may actually reclaim the you who is hibernating inside.Please link up and share your dream/passion and what steps you will make to pursue them.

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Snowflake

Snowflake, be still my beating heart. Saturday, the day we’d been waiting for for the past 3 years finally happened.Ella started ballet when she was  3 and since then has been longing, planning for the day when she would be in our city’s ballet production of the Nutcracker. I remember the first days of taking her to ballet class, she was so nervous and uncoordinated. She was practically a baby in her pink tights, leotard and ballet slippers. She was so small, it was difficult to even find shoes that fit her appropriately. But like all things she sets her mind to, Ella achieves what she desires. She doesn’t really understand limitations. I like it that way. I hope she never loses that. Saturday was one of the destinations that this journey has been headed towards. Saturday was the first time she was old enough to audition. We woke up Saturday morning. I was nauseated from nerves. Ella was excited. As I put on her tights and leotard, I could feel the stress building inside me. While pulling her hair back into her ballerina knot, I was almost brought to tears by the thought of what if she isn’t chosen. She has been looking forward to this day for over half of her short life. As she pulled on her rain boots, I realized this was one of those defining moments in her life. This was the day she either became a performing ballerina or the first day she experienced rejection.Either way, I was nervous for her.

Daddy’s little Snowflake

We walk in to the dance theater and register. The place is packed full of a range of ballerinas. I immediately start sizing my girl up to every other ballerina in sight. After getting her into her slippers, her father and I offer some words of encouragement. At this point, I am pretty much vomiting a little bit in my mouth. Ella is unphased. She just wants to get on with it and get her part. Her confidence is inspirational.

Mommy’s Little Snowflake

She locates a couple of competition her friends from class. They squeal at the sight of one another. All of us Moms breathe a sigh of relief that we are not sending our girls to the wolves alone. Then it happens. They call for the 5-7 age group. With a kiss for good luck and a smile, we send our girl off to her fate. I say a little prayer. We are all praying our little 5 year olds get to be mice ( standard part for that age group) in the Nutcracker.

Time passed s-l-o-w-l-y. I watch her ascend the stairs, my little girl, and I realize this is just one more of those firsts in life that I can not do for her. She is excited and a little nervous, but mostly excited. I am a half a breath away from falling to the ground and assuming the fetal position.

We wait for her to return. And wait. And wait some more. A half hour later, part of the group ascends the stairs. I hold my breath and wait for Ella to appear. One of her classmates comes down, her mother is standing, waiting with me. She is carrying a letter. She has the part! She is a MOUSE! Hurrah!
Uh oh! The mice have been cast. Where is my Ella? Oh, no my worst fears are coming true. She is not a mouse. All I could think was, she will be heart broken. Pull it together Debi. You have to be strong for your girl. I was going over all my pep talks in my head.  “It’s OK, next year we can try again”, ” You are a great dancer, there were a lot of little girls trying out and everyone deserves a chance”, “Mommy loves you, these people are stupid (LOL,I’d never say that..well, probably not)”. I shot my husband an “Oh Shit” look. He gave me the “breathe woman” look, as usual. I congratulated the other little girl. She was so proud.
Then ,15 minutes later, another group is released. I see Ella. She is holding an envelope. All I could think of was “how the hell am I going to explain why she’s not a mouse”. She walked over to me all smiles ( poor unsuspecting fool). I asked her how the audition went. She thought it went fabulous. She used to be taught by the director ( who was actually at audition selection) and she was just so exited to see Ms.Prima Ballerina. It’s really all that she cared about. Then I took the envelope out of her hands, I braced myself, and I opened it.Deep breath!
She wasn’t a mouse. She was a SNOWFLAKE! It’s a bigger, more advanced part and she gets to wear a white tutu , with a tiara and dance as snow falls onto stage. She was happy. Her Daddy and sister were proud and happy for her. I was relieved and so full of pride of my little girl that I thought I might bust at the seams. I texted every family member we have, on both sides, and told them to pencil in the weekend of December 10-12 to come and see our Ella in her stage debut as a snowflake. Her first performance as a ballerina will be attended by every family member who can make it. There will be a showering of flowers and love on our little girl at a diner in her honor. It will be a night she will not forget. And to think,

I almost vomited over a snowflake.

Ella, you are always Mommy’s Prima Bellarini. I am so proud of you. You will not be capable of understanding this feeling that I have until you have your own child. It is more than any pride than I have ever felt in myself. I love you! 9/11/10 First Audition date ever. We have our very own Snowflake this holiday season.

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Yesterday’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge -Day 12 ~ See yourself through your child’s eyes
 is not always easy, especially when I feel like a hot mess or am overwhelmed by it all. But if I listen to my children, somehow in their wisdom they see the me I am on the inside. The Me that I have always been and will always be..the beautiful Mess that is me. So, today I am embracing the Me that my girls see every time they look at their Mommy, its probably very much like the best versions of them that I see every time I lay eyes on their small little perfection. Hope you are embracing the awesome you that your children know you are; because I think kids have special powers they can see the real us….even if we forget what that person looks like.

Today’s Be A Better Me (You) Challenge – Day 13~ Love yourself unconditionally. It’s exactly what it sounds like. We have to learn to stop putting ourselves down and comparing ourselves to some kind of unrealistic standard..that doesn’t exist. We need to take yet another lesson from our kids and love ourselves the way they love us; the way we love them.  No one is perfect, that is a fact. What we must strive for is to be our best selves. I have always been my hardest critic. I’m too fat. My skin is flawed.I have too many freckles. I’m not tan enough. My hair is not perfect enough. My smile is not white enough. My clothes are not right. I should be doing more with my life. I don’t have a career worth mentioning. I am not a good enough daughter, sister, Mother, wife, friend. Its always something.  I always feel like I fall short.You know why? Because the standard is impossible. To meet the standard, every  waking would be needed to acquire the impossible dream there would be no time for real living..loving..laughing. My challenge for you is to love yourself, for who you are..not who you want to be. You deserve to be able to love yourself;no matter the size of your jeans, in spite of your imagined imperfections. You are more than you give yourself credit for. Would you not love your children because they weren’t perfect? Of course you would and so should you love yourself. You can never be your best you, if you don’t truly embrace the person you are now.

You are worthy of all that life has to offer. You just have to believe that yourself. That is the key to acquiring all that the world has to offer and to, more importantly, enjoying it! Now, tell me how you can make efforts to love yourself unconditionally. This will be the hardest one for me thus far. A little body dysmorphic disorder goes a long way. Please link up!

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