Minivan Mommies ~Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night

Dear Minivan Mommies,

Do NOT go gentle into that good night. Fight it. Rage against the temptation nay the spiritual castration that is the minivan. Sure they make them in secret agent squirrel charcoal and sleek Land Rover black. Ooh, they try to fool us into believing those minivans are cool. But remember your senses woman, a grocery getter, is the station wagon of the 70s, is the fast track to Loserville…population you and every other pajama jean wearing mother in the pick up line.

Sure my Mommy friends have tried to convince me that their minivan is cool. They pull up to stoplights all over suburbia and rev up their engine, taunting me beckoning me to race them. Their tricked out grocery getter van versus my sleek, sturdy, gas guzzling SUV. Any way you slice it ladies, no matter how tricked out your minivan may be…you my friend are no SUV.

I don’t care if it has a built in movie room, seating for 16, plush leather interior, a bed, a kitchen and a craft room. I don’t care if you can fit the entire football team and cheer squad in that bitch. I don’t even care if there’s a built in wine cooler and keg refrigerator for tailgating. I may have just lied to myself, a wine cooler and keg fridge could possibly cause me to take a second look. So what if you come with all the bells and whistles for less than the cost of my yearly Starbucks habit. I will not be seduced. Hell, your minivan’s baby changer/bather/breastfeeder combo and human butler do not impress me. I have standards.

You can’t look cool, singing the Wiggles and driving a small bus. You are not sexy with your pony tail blowing in the wind as your onstar directs you to the nearest Starbucks. I don’t give a flying rat’s ass what that creepy bald guy told you at the dealership. Tell him he can keep his pajama jeans, you don’t need them. You want a big SUV, with a lot of power so that you can show all the other soccer moms who’s really the boss and it ain’t Tony Danza. It’s the mom with the biggest tank and the most European vehicle.Keep in mind that SUV also comes in handy for running punk student drivers off the road, if the need should ever arise. I’m just saying.

I think Minivans should be outlawed. Every time I pull up behind one, I instinctively want to ram it in the rear.I loathe them. I look at the minivan and I see all the hopes and dreams of the women behind the wheel…crushed into dust as they soldier on, getting their groceries, taxing their children and having their spirit stolen from them. I see dead people where there used to be vibrant, independent women.

I know this is an irrational fear of a vehicle but I refuse to go gentle into that good night. I will fight it kicking and screaming. I will throw a full on two-year-old tantrum, I don’t care who stares with gaping mouth. I will rage against the minivan for as long as I can take breath into my chest and as long as I can fit my kids into my SUV. I am throwing down the gauntlet and vowing to you to never have more kids than I can fit into an SUV, no matter how you tart it up and prance it around in front of me.I will not fall for your sultry, vixen like ways. I will resist temptation. Are you pro minivan? Anti-minivan?

Are you a recent convert to the church of minivan?

**This post originally went live on October 11, 2011 but I have been looking at new vehicles and I needed the reminder to be strong because I’ve got to admit with 2 kids, that new Honda Odyssey minivan with the built-in vacuum cleaner “almost” made me a convert. I am afraid of what might happen if I actually test drove that minivan.

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Comments (43)

HAHAHAHAHA OMG BEST POST EVER!!!!!!!!!

LOL! THank you! I am glad that you can see the humor in it. Rage my friend, rage against the minivan. Do not go gentle into that good night! Kick its ass and never drive a minivan:)LOL Power to the people! DOwn with pajama jeans! 🙂

Amber @fourkidslater

Hahaha!! I love it…but I also love my minivan! Don’t be jealous. 😉

bwahahaha! I promise not to be jealous just don’t shove all your bells and whistles in my face. I know you minivan drivers, you’re always trying to convert someone. i almost caved once…but then my mother slapped some sense into me:)LOL viva la difference!

Great post! Here I thought I was the only one who DIDN’T want a minivan as we grow our families. If anything, I rather take a SUV any day. Heck, even stick with a type of Sedan–those are still cool.

But I do see WHY families get minivans–I’m just hoping that I’m not going to be one of them lol.

Kalley,
You just have to draw your line in the sand and say NO! That’s what I did. It had to be done. I know they have all kinds of cool tricked out features and they are roomier than an SUV but damn it, I need to retain some kind of cool points. The yoga pants and ponytail have almost exhausted my reserve of cool points. If I give in on the minivan, I’ll be shamed and never recover:)LOL Stay strong!

Ha! 🙂 funny stuff, and oh’ so true , women! I’ve been driving a minivan for the past 2 years, and though convenient at first, I don’t like it one bit now!!
Now that the kid’s are a little older, we are trading it in (AMEN!) for a 2012 Camry {bye-bye GIANT mom mobile!} much more convenient in the city to have a smaller car anyway, too much stop and go traffic….

LOL! Just one more reason to love the city! I;m so glad that you are switching back to a car…I was afraid for a moment that we couldn’t be besties any longer:) Sounds like everything is looking up for you! XO

But we love our minivan. I want to ram the SUV that’s never seen mud or a dirt road with a driver so small they are looking out through the little arc between the top of the steering wheel and the dash, and need a staircase just to get into them. The one with the tow package and winch just in case they get into something nasty at the mall 🙂

Nice post.

I see your point but I still can’t get behind a minivan. Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that I had to learn to drive in a BLUE ECONOLINE van. That’s about the biggest bitch of a van you’ve ever seen. It’s pretty much the size of a semi.It left a bad taste in my mouth. But I will say , my gas guzzling, 3 row seating SUV has been dirty and our Jeep has seen it’s fair share of mud and gravel:)LOL Luckily, I am tall enough to see over the dash. I heart my SUV!

hahahah,
this is awesome! I didn’t get a minivan for this reason! I’m not ready yet. I like them and think they drive well, however, I’m sooooo not ready to be “that” mom.

I don;t think I will ever be READY for a minivan. I just can’t. It is soul crushing in my mind. I know, I am a drama queen but that is how I feel:)LOL

Oh yes, I stayed far away from minivans when I needed to get a bigger car for the 3rd baby coming along. All of my friends who said they thought they would never drive minivans LOVED theirs. And honestly, I think we would have a much easier time fitting 3 kids, carseats, and all of our crap in a minivan. They have a magical amount of space. But alas,, I can’t do it.

Psssttt, I think that “Myth” about loving their minivan is like that myth that you forget the pain of childbirth. It;s just a ruse to sucker us poor unsuspecting Moms into trying it ourselves. I think they secretly laugh at our soul crushing pain. Misery enjoys company:) Just saying! LOL

Until the minivan has the growl of my german made car, I will not drive one.
So I get turned on when I turn on the engine. The kids like it when Mommy drives fast.

Rage on my friend, rage on.

Exactly! See, you get me! You really , really get me. We should form a club…the rage against the mini van club. Only cool girls need apply:)Bwahahaha

There was a time when I was ‘too cool’ for a minivan…… now I’ve come to terms with the FACT that they make a lot more sense then a SUV. Anytime I see a mom with three or more kiddos in car seats struggling to get them in an SUV, and paying out the butt at the pump, I just laugh. Because, what it really comes down to, is they just think that they are so ‘above’ and ‘too cool’ for a minivan which is kind of sad in my opinion.

Maria,
You do realize I was being facetious, right? 🙂 I have nothing personally against minivans, they are just not for me. Many of my friends, no actually..none of my girlfriends drive minivans but my sister in law does. She has four kids. I only have 2, so I think I am pretty well set in my gas guzzler, well, until it put same in the poor house:) But I assure you, I am absolutley not too cool for anything. LOL

Haha too funny. I used to have to drive a minivan in high school. No it didn’t help me do well with the ladies.

I feel your pain TIm, I learned to drive in a econoline van..that is pretty much the size of a semi truck. I would have given my left arm for a mini anything, of course, now I just have a bad taste left in my mouth for all things van:)LOL

Bahahaha! This is so timely – I am falling prey to their allure every time I fill up my 9 MPG SUV. But my 11 year old Expedition is still cooler…you are right!

Girl, I know your pain. Ours is 15 mpg and it is awful. I feel like I drive around the block and I need to fill up. We’ve actually bought a Cooper to off set some of the gas cost but going from a SUV to a Cooper, I feel like we are exiting a clown car:)LOL

ACK! I have to start over with the car seats and whatnot. I have a small SUV and you are seriously making me reconsider!

LOL! DO what makes you happy, my friend!

Amen, sister. I wrote my minivan manifesto last year: http://www.anuncommonfamily.com/2010/10/19/oh-hell-no-i-will-not-drive-a-minivan/

NOOOO minivans around here, please and thank you

I am going to head over and read your manifesto now:)LOL Great minds think alike.

Rage against the minivan. I’m with you all of the way. We are a minivan-free household. I mean the ones with the swivel seats and little tables look pretty cool. But I won’t look in to the light. Because really, after you get a minivan, what’s next? Mom jeans?

My greatest fear is that next, you step into the great abyss and start wearing those wretched pajama jeans. What’s next? The loss of the will to live? LOL Don’t go into the light. Rage,my friend, rage against the minivan.

Oh my! This was the best post I have EVER read! I am seriously cracking up. I was considering getting a mini-van, but may have to rethink that thought.

Thanks for the laugh (new follower from Twitter).

Oh, my husband thanks you from the bottom of his heart. This is just the thing he desperately wanted me to read!

Welcome to The TRUTH about Motherhood. SO glad that I could make you laugh. Rage, my friend, rage against the minivan! LOL

Yes, yes, yes.

I drove a minivan for six damned years. The convenience was unparalleled at the time with three kids under three (and later four kids under 5), but I felt my kickass factor ratchet back by a thousand degrees every time I got behind the wheel of that thing. You just cannot maintain your gangsta status behind anything that has “mini” in its description.

A couple of years ago, we traded that sucker in for an SUV, which works for us now that we need easy access to only on booster/carseat vs. four.

Girl,
I don;t think even a damn minivan could take down your cool factor. With all that Moxie, you are the tits! But I must say I am happy that you have come back over from the dark side:)LOL

I love my sedan. I don’t really think a mini van has more storage than it does.

Then you, my friend, have one big ass Sedan:)LOL I hear those minivans have magically unlimited space. I think it’s like Nanny Mcphee’s bag..bottomless! But i must say, no amount of space is worth the humiliation of trying to be cool in a minivan or the acceptance of defeat that comes with giving your soul over to it. That is why minivans have better mileage than SUVs, it is powered by the crushed souls of Mommies everywhere:) XO

BAHAHAHA! I hate minivans. I have told J that I will drive a broken down car first. I will not drive one so don’t get any clever ideas to try and buy one!

I am a minivan mommy! I guess I don’t really care what people think. And honestly, probably no one actually cares what any of us drive, so why worry about it? I just want life to be a little easier. But I don’t wear mom jeans or pajama jeans and I actually put makeup on when I leave the house!

LOL! Many of my favorite people are minivan mommies. I just like giving you girls a hard time. It’s probably cause I’m so damn jealous of the ease in which you girls can get kids, bikes, groceries, football teams and the entire cast of the Nutcracker in and out:) If you can rock the minivan, you go on with your bad self! Just please never tell me that you rock the Pajama jeans because then we can’t be friends:)LOL

Throat Punch Thursday ~ Dress code; No PJs for YOU Edition

[…] do go directly to the personal trainers on most days. Hey, at least I’m not pulling up in a minivan and that’s something. I am dressed appropriately for my morning. Hell yes, I wear yoga pants […]

This article prompted me to write my very own pro minivan blog post. I linked back to this post in it too. Thanks!

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that I had to learn to drive in a BLUE ECONOLINE van. I feel like I drive around the block and I need to fill up.

I am an suv stuck in a minivan world. I hate my minivan and the only reason that I still have it is because I hate car payments more. I”m not one that gives a rats ass what I drive.. if it gets me from point a to point b safely, that’s pretty much all I care about. I know there are many who get wrapped up in it and that’s okay. That being said – this one’s 9 years old and I anticipate that it will be swapped in for a gas-guzzling SUV in the next few months 😉 Then, I can pull up to the drop off lane and not have to sit there with my door hanging open while the drop off duty teachers stand there waiting for it to close by itself.

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[…] I actually considered swapping out my Enclave for the Toyota Sienna 2015 and then I remembered that I am allergic to minivans so, sadly no #Swaggerwagon for me but I do love these features and the new commercials. This one is […]

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