Oh shit! “Earmuffs,PLEASE!”
I, like so may other Mommies, am guilty of the occasional stubbed toe “Damn it!”, or the lost keys “F*bomb!” or even the I just busted my shin on the coffee table ,”Sonofabitch!” but I really do try to keep my inner sailor in check….around my girls. ( I know, not very lady like. My Mom is mortified). And other than that week a couple years ago when Gabs decided to run around the house screaming”F*CK!” incessantly like a little mafioso on a tirade, we’ve not really had a problem with too much cursing. They’ll hear it, they’ll try it, we tell them no, they get bored they move on..Bada Bing Bada Boom , Foggedaboutit(Holy shit,,,I just got possessed by Tony Soprano for a minute!) There’s always this little voice inside me that keeps warning me..”filter woman, filter!” But I keep on keeping on, and get caught in a moment and sometimes not so savory words come falling out of my mouth, despite my best efforts. Anyways, I’ve been getting worried you know with Catholic school just around the corner and all. How am I supposed to explain that my beautiful, innocent little girl can probably sling cursed laced insults with the best of them? I’m assuming and I know for sure that she can use them in the appropriate context because they have already proven that..with the exception of Gabs’ tourette’s like f bomb tirade, but I digress.
The point being, the girls have been saying things that , though we giggle now, I am sure come fall..I won’t be amused in the least. Especially when I have to explain where she learned it from. But something else has been happening that has made me completely forget about the curse words that may or may not come out of my 5 and 3 year olds mouth. Yes, something much , much worse.No? You don’t believe there could be anything worse than your kids telling some nun to eff off? Well, what about these gems…
Gabs:” Girls, Pull your tits!” (in English, Girls, cool your jets!)
Gabs: (While escorting me around the yard as I picked up the dog poop with the pooper scooper..oh the joy! Gabs was running around the yard like a shit seeking missile ,pointing and yelling to id the aforementioned “poop” )This is what she yelled on a warm summer day, as all of our neighbors looked on,” Mommy! DOG SHIT!!!!!”
Yeah, thank God that wasn’t embarrassing.
So, you can see my concern. But something even much worse happened this weekend and put everything into perspective for me. I have a colorful vocabulary, I am a hand talker, and I like to use metaphors and all kinds of language manipulation to illustrate my points but they are very seldom to be taken literally. But, I forgot…3 and 5 year olds don’t understand the difference. Over the otherwise fantastically family filled Fourth of July weekend, I was having a discussion with my MIL about her son, my husband, doing something ridiculous.I think my exact words were, “He better take a pill or he better not be surprised when I stab him in his sleep!(this was said with a chuckle and a smile)” Obviously, I was saying he needed to calm down or I would hurt him, which really meant..”Dear Husband, stop being a butt face and please calm the eff down. Love your biggest fan!” But Bella, she just doesn’t get that ( plus, to be honest) I totally didn’t even realize that the little ninja was in the house when I said it. Last I knew, she was outside with the prospective stabbing victim playing volleyball or covering her sister in S’mores in hopes of feeding her to the ants, or something of the like. I found out that she was in the house when my husband approached me and said, “Hey, so ..you’re going to stab me in my sleep now?” I wasn’t quite sure if he was serious or if he was crazy and I said, “WHAT?” Yeah, apparently my 5 year old went outside and called her Dad over to the side to inform him of this, “Hey Daddy, Mommy said she’s going to stab you in your sleep!” WOW! Needless to say, I had to have a talk with her to assure her that I indeed was NOT going to stab her Daddy in his sleep, nor would I ever hurt him in any way. I tried to explain that I was using colorful language to illustrate a point and be funny but in fact, it was inappropriate and I should not have said it in the first place. Her answer, ” I know Mommy. You were just saying that Daddy was being a grouch and he better stop it! It’s not like you said you were going to choke him out!” Wow! Oh Shit! Can I get some earmuffs over here for this kid? Maybe some perma pink ones that I can leave in at all times and remove only when I need to speak with her. I would really prefer she not start Kindergarten by telling some nun that I said I was going to stab her Daddy while he slept..that’s not very christian and I’m pretty sure the school might put a call into DCFS. The moral of the story being..be on the look out for tiny ninja’s before ever speaking in metaphor , irony, allegory, or simile!