New Year, New Perspective

A miracle has happened. I’d call it a Christmas miracle, but it happened after Christmas so I will call it my 2013 miracle. What a way to start the year.

After being diagnosed with a raging case of body dysmorphic disorder in my teens, I was told by my psychiatrist that I would never be able to believe what I saw in the mirror. She told me that I literally could never trust my own eyes when I look at myself. I have to admit; I thought she was the one who was crazy. I knew what I saw in the mirror. I have 20/20 vision.

bulimarexia, eating disorder, weight, health

Here, I thought I needed to lose 30 more pounds

I saw a girl who always had to lose 5-10 more pounds. Yes, even when I was in the throes of the bulimarexia and weighed 107 pounds soaking wet. I can’t believe I just told you that. I’ve never admitted to anyone that my 5’7.5” frame ever weighed under 113 pounds. Anyways, I always saw myself as needing to lose 30 more pounds. I’d only ever say 5-10 pounds out loud because even though I knew what I was supposed to weigh and I was underweight for my height, I never felt satisfied. I felt like I should do more. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. This may sound familiar to some of you.

I stopped vomiting and I stopped restricting because I wanted to live but I’ve always felt like I had failed. I guess the only weigh I could have truly succeeded, in my warped mind, was to have died. Sounds crazy right? I’ve been in recovery for 15 years (I will be for the rest of my life) and yet you are never truly “well”. It’s a way of thinking; a belief system. It isn’t about beauty or thinness really, it becomes about controlling your life. I think mine has a lot to do with feeling so helpless and out of control as a child. I needed to be in charge of my life in some way.

Something truly miraculous happened for me the other night. My daughter took a candid shot of my dog sitting behind me as I knelt on the floor. Most normal people saw the dog and thought what a cute dog. Me, I saw the photo and was immediately struck by how average my ass looked in the photo. It didn’t look like the broad side of the Titanic that I was convinced it was. There it sat, my ass, not as fat and distorted, as I once was convinced it was. I felt almost prideful. Was this progress? Is the disorder finally losing its grip on me?

I don’t feel skinny by any means. I know I need to lose about 80 pounds. But my ass is nowhere near the size I had suspected all these years. It caused a revelation.

There will be no resolutions to loose a hundred pounds this year.

I lived through 8 years of eating disorders and my metabolism is screwed up. I’ve tried a lot of diets and weight loss programs and I never get past the initial 20-25 pounds  of weight loss.

I’ve decided that it’s time to commit to loving myself unconditionally. I want to feel sexy again. I want to say, “YES, HELL YES I will take a shower with you” the next time my husband asks me rather than ignoring him and hoping he will forget because I feel so unattractive in my own body.

I am going to go the Hospital’s weight management center. I’m going to honestly tell them my whole entire sorted past with food. I’m going to give them my diagnosis. I am going to purge my soul and then I am going to let them help me, help myself. My butt is nowhere as big as I have imagined it to be for all these years and the fact that I can see that and recognize that, is a miracle for me.

I’m turning my life over to something larger than myself. I want to be honest and open and the only resolution I have is to get rid of the god damned yoga pants once and for all and I’d love for my thighs not to rub together anymore. Everything else is going to be gravy.

2013 is the year I get my life back form me. My Dysmorphia has been holding me hostage and I am breaking free. I am fighting my way out from underneath all of this weight.

My goal for this year is to not be held back by anything; not weight, fear, circumstances or condition. My goal is just to be happy with who I am.

Happiest of New Years and may you all be filled with contentment and satisfaction in who you are. May you see yourself the way your children see you, perfect and beautiful because you are.

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5 Comments

  1. Kristen Daukas  /  2012/12/31, 12:56 pm Reply

    Hooray for you!!! I JUST read an article today about how we view ourselves not only affects us, but our kids perception of themselves. We’ve never been a family to linger on body image, weight, etc but rather being healthy. The only way that our girls are going to be able to love themselves is if WE love ourselves and get away with the image that a size 2 is normal. (Unless you’re 2 and then it’s perfectly acceptable.)

    Happy New Year and Happy New You!!
    Kristen Daukas recently posted..My 10 Favorite Four Hens Posts of 2012

  2. Krysta  /  2012/12/31, 2:21 pm Reply

    Good for you!! I’m happy for you, my friend! And your dog is totally cute.

  3. Kristen Mae  /  2012/12/31, 9:21 pm Reply

    You need to do Tough Mudder. It changed how I saw my body. (Read about it at my blog.)

    Also: I love how my legs look but my thighs totally touch. Some people are just built that way. I don’t have a Victoria’s Secret body (EW. Thank God!) but I can run 12 miles and am not afraid to jump into a pool of ice-water! You should look at more pictures of yourself and see if you can find more good. I bet you will.
    Kristen Mae recently posted..Some Things You Might Not Have Considered About Guns

  4. The Sadder But Wiser Girl  /  2013/01/06, 12:30 am Reply

    I have been missing your blog, having been so busy, but tonight I had time to go through my list of faves. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with the disorder, but oh I have been through it. I was anorexic and down to 90 pounds in college, and still thought I was fat.

    I no longer live on a bagel a day. I eat too much, I have two kids, and I rarely get to exercise. I’m unhappy with how I look, but I need to get comfortable in my own skin for my wonderful, beautiful daughter’s sake. I don’t ever want her to look at herself like I look at me. I want to feel good about myself and get back into shape too. Thanks for posting hon-I am right there with you!
    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted..The Sadder But Wiser Girl Year in Review by the WordPress Helper Monkeys

  5. Jess  /  2013/01/24, 12:22 pm Reply

    Babe, you were a twig. You are FAR more beautiful now. I think we all have image issues, to an extent, but it’s a matter of accepting what we are. I am terrified Ava will grow up to hate who she is. As it is it kills me when she tells me her skin is too dark and she wants lighter skin. She’s gorgeous. I want her to know she is.
    Jess recently posted..Goal Update! {and oatmeal recipe}

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