Life Without Butter

Life without butter is not something I ever thought I’d agree to. Those are words that I never thought I’d be saying of course I never expected gallbladder issues either. I’ve always been the kind of person who would much rather workout for 3 hours or simply deprive myself of all other foods, so that I could eat what I wanted. I was cool with 400 calories a day, as long as those 400 calories could be foods of my choice; usually something deep fried, consisting of carbs and usually of the white flour or potato variety. Somehow grease and fat had become it’s own food group. However, that has changed.

Luckily, it didn’t take a heart attack or stroke to stop me. Then again, obesity wasn’t enough for me to stop either. I’ve realized that I care about my health but only so much as the threat is imminent. It’s that f*cking procrastinator that lives within me. I’m a hard head and have to learn everything the hard way.

You wouldn’t think it would be so difficult for someone who thrived at anorexia and was a vegetarian for 10 years to live a life without butter.

You’d think I knew how to be healthy and maybe I did but I just didn’t act on it. That is until I found myself in the ER twice last month in excruciating pain. THAT’S what motivates me to stop unhealthy behaviors. If it hurts me physically, I want no part of it. I’m a giant p*ssy in that way.

The thing is once you find yourself in that kind of pain, you know for certain that you never want to feel it again and when you experience it again, 1000x worse, you know that you need to get your shit together so I stopped hurting myself because I was the only one who could.

I think I’ve always felt like I’ve deserved punishment for being weak, where food was concerned. It’s leftover brain malfunction from the years of disordered eating. Since having anorexia, I’ve always looked at those who are overweight as weak. I know, it sounds so awful when you say it out loud but I felt like, if I could restrict myself and work out to such a degree….well, why couldn’t these people get control of their eating habits? It was a sense of superiority. Even though I knew that I was starving myself and completely unhealthy and unhappy but it didn’t matter because I had control, not like those out of control losers.

But when I started having the gallbladder attacks, I knew what I had to do. I didn’t want to have another one, so I had to be strong and eliminate all of those foods that could cause me to have another attack. Of course those foods were everything I love; cholesterol, full fat, greasy, red meat, white flour and refined sugars. It was everything that tasted good. My body had enough of my bad behavior and it mutinied. Let me tell you, when your body starts to attack you, you can’t win. You have to concede and admit defeat or you will kill yourself. I don’t know about you but French fries and butter are not worth dying to me.

So began my 6 weeks, so far, of no red meat, no butter, no full fat dairy, low cholesterol, low fat and low carb eating. It’s been a hard adjustment. I’ve been eating a lot of vegan foods, switched to coconut milk and almond milk and have had to read every label on all food that goes into my mouth. You’d think such a change would be nearly impossible but turns out, not so much when the alternative is excruciating pain. Yep, turns out that I’m fearless in the face of abstract death but imminent pain scares the shit out of me.

The gallbladder has come out and many people are telling me this is reason for celebration because now I can eat without the worry of a gallbladder attack. However, I’m concerned that if my eating habits were so terrible that it caused my body to rebel and now the gallbladder is gone, what happens with all that bad stuff. Gallbladder stones are made of cholesterol and I had such a huge one in my gallbladder that the surgeon had to destroy my belly button to remove it from my body.  That was the bad stuff depository so where the hell is it going now? Personally, I don’t want to find out.

I hate to admit it but this gallbladder situation may have been the best thing to ever happen to me. It may have saved my life. I’ll gladly read all the labels and limit my red meat, cholesterol and fat intake if I never have to hear the word’s, “Your biopsy” again. I didn’t even know that cancer was a consideration until I had to make an unexpected stop at the surgeon’s office when I realized my belly button did.not.look.right.

Anyways, onwards and upwards. Who needs butter anyways, right? On the plus side, all of my pants are getting too big.

What would it take to make you live your life without “butter”?

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