First Day of Kindergarten Hurts Like A Motherfucker

It’s the night before kindergarten again and I am not ready for this. UGH! I am dreading it now. I’ve been breaking down all day because my dog’s very sick and we’re not sure if she’s going to make it and now, I am sure tomorrow the crying will be of inappropriate proportions. As I sit here typing, the thought of reading that damn book “The Night before kindergarten” has me choking on tears and knowing what the kindergarten hallway looks like, think a mine field with mothers crying like they are Mary and their kindergartener is Christ on the Cross. It’s every thing I can do NOT to turn around and say fuck it. Never mind, I will home-school; thank you very much.

Oh yeah, I fell prey to this menagerie of crying Mommies last year when I had to tiptoe over their strewn carcasses as I made my way to the 1st grade corridor. It was brutal. I was holding it in and squeezing my Bella’s hand to reassure her. Damn the letting go. It hurts so bad. I hate the first day of kindergarten. I’d like to throat punch the first day of kindergarten or maybe even roundhouse kick it in the nuts.

kindergarten, first day of kindergarten, back to school

The First Day of Kindergarten

I started this post yesterday when I was filled with trepidation and bursting at the seams with nauseating nostalgia.  I was up most of the night unable to sleep. Gabs woke me up twice and the dog woke me up about three times. There was not much sleep to be had anyways. This morning I woke the girls up and the Big Guy too. The Big Guy made pancakes while I got the girls dressed, one by one, in a haze of no sleep and a fog of can I really do this? Let my baby start the leaving process. I don’t think I am built to let my children go.

If it were up to me, I would keep them snuggled up in my arms for all eternity. I know it’s crazy. Babies are born to grow up and become adults and go off on their own but why does the letting go have to start just when they are really starting to be interesting? I dressed both girls to perfection in their cute little navy uniforms with the hairstyle of their choice and we were off. Me with the camera on hand and the Big Guy under strict instructions to video tape everything.

As we drove along the same route we have driven so many times before to drop off her sister, I looked to the backseat and saw the baby I loved so much beaming with excitement and fidgeting with nervousness. I pretended not to notice the trepidation. She caught me staring at her and smiled just a little bit bigger. My heart, my mommy heart was starting to quiver. Silently I command myself, “ Don’t ugly cry, lady. You have to wait until you get outside of the building. Never let them see you cry.” Yes, my inner monologue is a pretty bossy bitch.

She has no compassion for me or the first day of kindergarten.

When we arrived at school, she was the first one out of the car. “Mommy, take my picture!” as she posed in front of the welcome sign. I followed silently snapping photos, committing every second of the letting go to memory. Smiling my nervous smile that only my husband recognizes. Gabs and her sister bounced through the hallways, sprinting towards the new year of new experiences; toward growing up. I could feel the pull at my heart as I watched their tiny bodies walking away from me.

After a photo or two beside the “KINDERGARTEN “ sign, it was time to let her go and trust someone else in the world with my most prized possessions; my children. This is the hard part. This is where I swallow hard and hug tight and slowly watch helplessly as I do the right thing and encourage her to go. Oh, how it hurts my heart and stings my eyes. Swallow that lump lady! I swallow so hard that I almost choke on this familiar lump. She runs back for one last hug and whispers, “I love you, Mommy. I’ll be okay.”

I slowly turn and walk away. I sneak one last backward glance she is smiling and coloring with new friends. As I walk away, I can hear her giggle and engage in excited conversation and I remember the words she just spoke to me, “I’ll be okay.”

I know she will. Will I? I didn’t cry, though I really wanted to. I loosen my white knuckled grip on my little girl’s childhood and I look forward to afternoon pick up when I can once again fill my arms with my little girls and my heart can be happy. How did you deal with the first day of school, daycare or kindergarten?

I know eventually this won’t be so hard but today, on the first day of kindergarten, letting go hurts like a motherfucker.

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Comments (7)

Thank you so much for this post .. My little guy starts kindergarten next Monday & I have already found myself quietly breaking down @ the thought of having to let him go. The worst part is I’ve done this before w my 12&15 yr old but for some reason this has become the hardest , maybe because he is the baby of the family & I’m holding onto the last tiniest little piece of that because I know come Monday he truly becomes a “big kid ” 🙁 I am so thankful to know I am not alone in this ! Xo

Courtney,
How did Monday go? I;m sure it does have something to do with him being your baby. Gabi is my baby. IT pretty much sucked for me, I had a first and a last and both her like Motherfuckers so maybe it just hurts no matter what. You are not alone sweetie. TOday was my second day home totally alone and I felt so lonely. Seriously, I am thankful for the quiet time but I don’t think I need so much. I really miss my little sidekick.Stay strong.If you want to cry together or need some one to cheer you up, I;m here ( usually on Twitter @TruthfulMommy)

[…] has thrown me for a loop. I am a bit out of sorts. It’s only  my second day completely alone since the girls started school. This is weird for me. I’m not so sure that I like it. This is it. I will never have my sweet […]

Thank you so much it helps knowing I wasn’t going crazy feeling this way ! It’s not until next Monday so I’ll def let u know how it goes ! I’m not even sure I will know what to do w “free time” . Since I’m a stay at home mom he has ALWAYS been w me 🙁 I’m sure in due time I will find plenty to do w my few hours of freedom but until then letting go will hurt like a motherfucker !! I’ll keep you updated ! Thanks for the reply xo

[…] Kindergarten hasn’t gotten any better for me; it’s gotten worse. This morning was the first day that I dropped my five-year-old off at school and didn’t walk her to her kindergarten classroom. I know. She’s been a kindergartner for 8 whole days, as of today. I should be over it. But it’s different letting them walk in by themselves. That’s really letting them go to kindergarten without you. That’s relinquishing control. It’s trusting that they are okay without you, that they will make it safely to class from the drop off point, that they won’t get overwhelmed and reach out for you only for you to not be there. It’s admitting to kindergarten that my baby is now a big kid. […]

I was good yesterday, fine. My girls are in 7th and 4th grade so I’m cool, fine. Just. Well, twinges. I get twinges of sadness because they are just SO fucking big and old and all amounts of upset on my part are viewed as “the fuck is wrong with her?” So, I’m good with the girls. Then there’s the boy. Oh, I’ma die. I am going to literally pass the hell out on Thursday. He starts pre-K3. Even though he’s been in daycare since he was an infant, this is different. This is the big school. This is real school. Straight up big boyness. And even though he’s been able to be home with my husband who works from home for the past month because his last daycare was run by heifers who can lick the absolute bottom of my shoe after I flounce around in shit, this is different. And I promise you I will be no good to anyone.

I hope today is better for your loneliness. It does get better; of that I know you know. But these first few days? Fuck.

[…] pool of snot that I once was, have been, for the past 5 years on the first day of school. Sure, I was prepared to miss my children but what I was not prepared for was to not be […]

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