That One Time I Went Into “Heat” at Panda Express

Today, I am going to tell you a little story about raising daughters and menstruation. No, it has nothing to do with half-naked selfies but it just might be TMI so if you are squeamish about lady parts or feminine hygiene products and the such, I should warn you do not read any further. If you faint at the sight of blood? Stop! Do not continue reading! Back the truck up and run in the other direction.Go. Run. Fast. It’s about to get real up in here. For real, for real!

As many of you know, I have two little girls that I am trying to raise with self-confidence, independence and verve for life. I want them to live life so fully that they just grab it with both hands and jump. I want them to live life on their own terms. I want happiness and equality for them but more than anything else, I want them to always know they can come to me.about.anything. ANYTHING! That includes pubic hair, menstruation, boobs and yes, even sex, masturbation and childbirth.

I parent with honesty and openness. I want them to ask questions. We talk about everything. If they ask, I answer. I am trying to build trust and respect to compliment the unconditional love. I want them to not only be children that I love but people that I like and I hope they feel the same way about me one day but today, I am their mommy and my job is to mother them.

Anyways, sometimes even when you think you are doing it right, things get muddled and you are left wondering WTH just happened? This is what happened to me yesterday in the bathroom at Panda Express. Don’t judge.

The girls had their well visits yesterday and got a surprise Hepatitis vaccination and flu mist sprung on them. That did not go over very well so to “help the medicine go down” we promised them a dinner out. It was the least we could do.

In the middle of dinner, my littlest one informed me that she MUST go to the potty or she will “actually” pee herself. Her words, not mine. Obviously, that’s kid code for four-alarm code yellow. I realized that I could use a little tinkle and check myself, so off we went. Of course, we travel in packs, where one goes, so shall the other and with that, per usual, we had 3 girls in a stall. Only once we got in there, I realized shark week was back with a vengeance.This was a straight up Jaws emergency. If you know what I mean?

FYI, public restrooms are not the place to tackle the subject of menstruation.

The girls have always gone into the bathroom stall with me in public places if I have to use the facilities. Its just the way it’s always been; co-sleeping and co-toileting, attachment parenting gone wild.I don’t want them to get abducted but I also don’t want to give step-by-step directions on how to use a tampon yet either.  I practice discretionary, ninja-like tampon changing skills. They know that sometimes mommy gets a “booboo”. They think a tampon is like a Band-Aid for your vagina and they are sort of right. But they are getting older and we just had the conversation in May about puberty and periods, thanks to a dog that went into premature heat.

I asked the girls to turn around. They do and I successfully execute my quick change and flush. This is nothing I ever thought I would be doing in my life, then again I never thought I would randomly be smelling baby’s butts in public restaurants either. How the mighty have fallen. Remember, a baby changes everything and all that shit?

Only, life hates me and the toilet is one of those green, low-flow, crunchy granola Woodstock, no bra-wearing, hairy armpit bastards and no match for the super duper, no-holds barred, epic nuclear- reactive, cotton torpedo that I needed to use that day to keep the sharks at bay. So everything flushes. Except.the.Damn.Tampon! It re-appears waterlogged and even larger than before and as it does, in slow motion, both girls turn around to see it breaking the surface of the pink toilet water. Then this happened.

Menstruation happened!

Gabs (screaming at the top of her lungs): “Oh no! Mommy, I saw blood!!!!”

Me: “Remember I told you what happened with the dog?”

Gabs (whispering and completely serious): “Oh my God, Mommy, did you just go into heat???”

Me (dying of laughter on the inside, trying my damnest to keep a straight face): “No honey. People don’t go into heat. We have periods.”

Gabs: “Oh because I was scared we were going to have to keep you inside because all the daddies in the neighborhood were going to try to jump on you.”

Then, I died.

And just like that shark week wasn’t so bad anymore. Have you ever been caught in a state of shark week? How did you explain menstruation to your little one?

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Comments (23)

[…] And just like that our blogger/reader love affair was over. I know that I don’t always say the right thing and sometimes I’m overtired and cranky and maybe I don’t even make sense but I thought you got me. I really thought you understood that not all of them are gold. I thought I was safe. This was a judge free zone. Some posts are flops but I didn’t know our relationship was so fickle that you would leave me over one bad day. One crap post. I’m sorry my dog died and my period came and the snow has been really bad. Sometimes a bloggers got to complain. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But hey, I’ll do better next time. I’ll write a funny post about how to survive shark week without losing a limb or explaining your period to kids in a public bathroom at Panda Express. […]

[…] spent so much time trying to figure out when the perfect time to explain menstruation, puberty and where babies come from with my daughters that I completely forgot to talk about […]

[…] tampon would survive the walk down to the pool.” To which my 7-year-old ( yes, the same one who yelled that I was going into heat once before in a public restroom) knowingly shook her head, turned to her sister and said, “See, mom’s going through puberty […]

[…] salon, as they are always with me. There is not much I can hide from them. Mommy’s special “Bandaids” for her “monthly vagina booboos”, phantom farts ( because I swear, IT WAS THE DOG) and even my uneven breasts which, I might add my […]

Bwaaahahahahahahaha!
The visuals from this will never leave me.
Lord, I love you.

Oh my goodness. I nearly peed my pants reading that. Especially your daughter’s comment about the daddies. *wiping tears from eyes* Wow. So far my baby girl is 4mo, but I have had some worrisome moments with my 5yo son who still goes into public restrooms with me when we’re out without my husband. Thankfully, my son can and will use his own stall most of the time now. But still. It’s funny enough he think Poise pads are my “diapers.” I’m so not ready to explain “Jaws week” (love that) to him.

I loved your story, especially your daughters comments because it was just so funny to read! Great post!

Thanks. I am so happy that you enjoyed it. My daughters, especially that little one, she is always saying the funniest, most observant things.You really never know what’s going to come out of her mouth.

This is where I thank god that I have all boys, so this will never happen to me. My oldest actually learned about periods in his health class and I am sure they explained it better to a boy than I ever could.

You dodged a bullet on that one. They seriously followed me everywhere. It was just recently that I was able to get them to go into the stall together, next to mine. Thank Goodness. I can’t take another outburst like that;)

I am laughing so hard tears are running sow my face. Can’t make stuff like this up. Life happens

I laugh when I look back on it but I was absolutely MORTIFIED when it happened 😉 Kids do say the craziest things, right?

I love this story. It was so entertaining. I have two daughters, so I’m going to have to deal with this with them eventually. It’s going to be interesting lol.

Oh my gosh that is hilarious! I don’t have children yet, but I’m not really looking forward to the day when I have to try and explain what goes on haha

My daughter is almost 12 and I have talked to her about this topic already. It’s an important thing that needs to be discussed.

This is the funniest story, thats for sharing. Sometimes the TMI stories are the best.

Okay i have to say this is the funniest story about what you call “shark week”. The girls had so great responses and come backs. I have never been in that type of position before nor would I want to really especially in a restaurant. Thanks for sharing your awesome story.

That’s hysterical! Way to go mom letting the girls know it’s just a thing!

Oh my goodness! This is way too funny, TMI stories always tend to be the best! This is too great! I could see my kids doing this!

How funny. She seemed to have an interesting idea about it. LOL! Kids never seem to not make me laugh when they have those clever responses. She sounds so adorable.

OMG, I love your story. It was very entertaining to read and your girls sound so adorable.

My daughters provide a lot of entertainment, when they want to 🙂 I am glad that you enjoyed it.

[…] Me, too. At what age did you have “the talk”? I mean we’ve talked about puberty. In fact, we’ve talked puberty to death. It’s old news. They both know so much about the inner workings of the female reproductive […]

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