Creepy Clown Hysteria and Why I’m Dressing Like a Drunk Chuck Norris for Halloween

Apparently, it’s not enough that this election has our country going to hell in a handbasket with a political slope that is slicker than chicken grease now we’re on full out Creepy Clown crisis even the White House says so. Okay, so they are not killer clowns yet but these sons of guns are sure as hell scaring all the kids in my neck of the woods. Yes, my damn neighborhood is literally covered in wooded areas, parks and bus stops; it’s a pardon the term, a creepy clown’s “wet dream”. Thanks a lot asshole for forcing my co-sleepers that I JUST forced out of my bed a couple years ago…right back in!

Clowns, you think you are creepy? Oh you just wait until I see one of you son-of-a-bitches in my neighborhood, I’m going to take your giant clown shoes off and beat you with them myself! It’s one thing to get head-butted by a 1-year-old, it’s quite another to get roundhouse kicked in your sleep by a 5’3” baby Huey tween. These creepy clowns have got to go.

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Over the weekend, there was a creepy clown harassing a group of kids at a bus stop in our city. Aside from plaguing the entire snowflake generation with a monster case of coulrophobia now you’ve gone and made it personal. The snowflakes are the children of Generation X, can’t you just focus on scaring the fucking hipsters and millennials. They might even enjoy it. We don’t. I don’t want to share the downfall of my kid’s psyche on social media. I don’t need to hashtag it for likes. I’ll pass.

I spent Sunday night in my room with the Big Guy (he’s 6’5”, we call him that for a reason) who snores like a kitten, a 5’3” tween who practices her dance moves in her sleep and is prone to screaming outbursts, a 4’11” 9-year-old who clings to the nearest warm body like a heat seeking baby monkey and sleep combats people in their “sensitive” areas while they sleep and a bulldog squiggle ( Squeaky pig-like creature) who thinks she’s human and likes to plop her muscly ass dead center in the bed forming an H between the Big Guy and I. It was wall to wall people.

Trying to go to pee during the night was like a human/ canine obstacle course and that’s dangerous when you’ve got stress incontinence.Trying not to step on children or trip over random pillows, shoes, and blankets or disappear into a pile of unfolded laundry was even harder than it sounds. It was damn dangerous and I owe it all to those creepy clowns.

Oh, you think you’re scary, you ain’t got shit on this exhausted mama! I’m not currently in my right mind and you will feel the full wrath of my crazy should ever our two paths cross. Actually, I need some sleep. Let’s schedule a “play date” at the local park…you bring your red nose and clown shoes and I’ll bring my nunchucks, machete, and some Tequila. Mom versus clown. I’m desperate to sleep so don’t expect to be walking away from this tussle with your red nose and big hands intact. I’m taking you down clown. Insane clown posse…pfffttt…insane mom posse, bitches.

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All joking aside, I’m not a person who suffers from a phobia of clowns but I think one creepster has caused hysteria. You remember John Wayne Gacy used to dress in grease paint, right? That was enough to make clowns creepy forever. Well, now there are creepy clown sightings everywhere and even a couple literal clowns robbed a bank and there are teens soliciting clowns on social media to murder their teachers. I’m guessing that it’s a whole bunch of copycats. This is not one person or group because it’s happening all over the country. I think we’ve opened a door for people to commit heinous acts under the guise of creepy clown attacks. The world is rampant with assholes doing bad shit and now they’re using clown masks to do it.

This is not a drill we are in creepy clown crisis mode.

My concern is the mass hysteria that it is bringing with it. Suddenly people are imagining clowns everywhere. No one is above suspicion. Worse still, kids are spreading stories of their own creepy clown sightings (many of which I believe are products of their imaginations) and I think this is going to turn into a Salem Witch trial situation soon. Kid hates their teacher for assigning homework? Tween hates their neighbor for telling them to stay off their grass? Teen hates their friend’s dad for not allowing said friend to stay out past curfew? Oh you hate that guy in high school who didn’t want to date you? Clowns every single one of them. Just watch, the next step in the evolution of the creepy clown epidemic will be false accusations of creepy clown participation.

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In all seriousness, this is creepy as shit especially with Halloween coming up so quickly. Like, I might literally shit my pants if our neighborhood is overrun with creepy clown costumes and I know my kids will. Guess I’m dressing as a drunk Chuck Norris for Halloween because the nunchucks, machete, and tequila are going with me this Halloween. While I think most of the viral videos of machete-wielding creepy clowns chasing joggers are bullshit because I don’t know too many joggers who jog in Go Pros or with their phones recording the entire experience (well, maybe some millennials because I know they like to document every single “special” thing they do like farting or breaking a sweat and hashtag the hell out of it ;)) I do think this is a teachable moment for our children.

My girls are terrified of clowns now, which, honestly, clowns, as a whole, are pretty freaking creepy looking anyways or maybe I’ve just seen way too many Rob Zombie movies. Yes, 31, I’m looking at you. But I’ve made this an opportunity to revisit the conversation with my girls about why you don’t talk to strangers, you don’t ever go up to a stranger, never give directions or take candy or pet puppy dogs of strangers. Strangers are bad! I’ve taught them the scream, yell, fight, kick in the balls and wiggle technique in case they’re ever grabbed. It’s given me the chance to remind them why they are not allowed to go places alone or veer too far away from home, unsupervised. It’s given me the chance to use my, “You never know the psychopath sitting next to you” speech. It’s also given me a reason to explain once again why social media is not allowed for them at age 9 and 11.

My children are young and naïve and I don’t want them to go through life scared but I do want them to go through life using some common sense and a healthy dose of caution. I trust my children but the rest of the world, not so much. I think anybody in a mask in a normal situation is a little bit strange and it makes me defensive when I can’t see your face, that’s just me and my healthy dose of caution instilled from my ghetto upbringing. I don’t trust anyone unless I know them, and then sometimes not even. I was raised with a lot of skepticism of the world in general. I wasn’t raised on unicorns and rainbows. It was hard reality all damn day long. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing in the state of today’s world.

Speaking of creepy clowns and things moms need to be worried about? Did any of you watch the vice presidential debate? Mike Pence…dear lord, if that man isn’t enough to scare you straight to the polls to vote for Hillary, I don’t know what is. Maybe we can sacrifice him to the creepy clown posse as an offering so they leave our children alone?

Also, amber alerts? What is going on? I don’t know where you live but we’ve had several a day in my state for the past week. My kids are coming home with all their stories confused, they are blaming the amber alerts on children being lured by creepy clowns. None of that is factual, much like the belief at my children’s school that all Mexicans are ISIS. I swear I spend most of my day trying to convince my daughters that 99% of the shit they hear at school is exactly that…bullshit.

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What are you doing to assuage your children’s fear of the creepy clowns? What are your thoughts on the creepy clown crisis?

Comments (1)

Thanks for the nightmares! Those photos are beyond frightening, and what’s wrong with unicorns? But, good writing.

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