The first thing I read this morning was a piece by my good friend, Jessica Gottlieb, Which came first the Anxiety Disorder or the Blog? Her post really resonated with me in a lot of ways but the most important takeaway that I had was the realization that I need to live more and blog less. This is nothing new. I have known this for some time now. Hell, I know that I need to back the fuck away from the computer and get out of my head and into my life. I need to unplug and it has never been as evident as it is this summer.
I love that I get to write for a living, from home. I love that brands and publications want to work with me but I am beginning to feel burnt out in every way. The thought that permeates my every action this summer is that I started this blog as a way to keep track of my children’s lives (and to flex my writing muscles) but it’s become a runaway train and I am holding on for dear life not to fall off. Which begs the question; how the fuck am I suppose to be a good Mommy if I am spending my time being a good blogger? One takes from the other, unless I sacrifice my sleep, which I do on most days and its still not enough.Mommy fail 101.
When I am with my kids swimming or having tea parties or just sitting listening to them ramble as they crawl into my lap, I feel like a good parent but then my work deadlines are piling up I feel like my editors are all wondering what the fuck is she doing over there. But when I am in a writing fog and kicking out posts like a machine, I feel like the world’s worst mother. Obviously, being a mom is my priority but being a writer has always been my dream. So, here I am leaning in so hard that I am falling the fuck over with no one to catch me. It’s an odd predicament, having what you want and then not knowing how to maintain it all. I think many moms, especially the ones in this field, know exactly what I am talking about.
I’ve complained a few times about all the running and obligations but mostly I am lucky to have these problems but there has to be a balance. I’m leaning in so hard that the tether to my family is the only thing keeping me from toppling over but maybe I just need to lean back a little bit; put up my feet and enjoy life for a minute.Enjoy my children while they are children. I can’t enjoy my life if I spend every second of it fighting the system and fighting myself.
My kids are little and this time doesn’t last long. I am crazy busy this summer and I don’t see it getting any easier anytime soon unless I make some hard decisions. I KNOW at this point I am supposed to be working smart and not hard, I just haven’t figured out how the hell to do it yet. I have to learn to let go. I’ve spent my whole life fighting so hard for everything I have ever gotten that once I get it, I’m afraid to let it go and that lands me with too much on my plate. You’d think after 40 years, I would have figured out how to let go but I teeter between extremes. I’m either freefalling or completely scratching at the walls trying not to hit the ground.
Have you ever felt this blogging/working mom guilt? How did you deal with it?