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How to Parenting advice ~ Unsolicited Co-Parenting

by Deborah Cruz 2012/01/24

How to parenting advice ~ Parenting without unsolicited advice or intervention is something that I am happy to do. I love my kids. I had them because I wanted to be a parent. I don’t need anyone else, no matter how well meaning their intentions may be, stepping in and grabbing the parenting reins. We all get our fair share of “how to parenting advice”, sometimes by people are not even parents,but how many of us had had someone actually step in and flex their how to parenting muscles?

Kindly STFU, I can parent my own kids. NO how to parenting intervention needed

We are in a situation where we are currently living with the Big Guy’s parents. It is very generous that they allow us to live in their house while our house is on the market. It really is and I truly appreciate the sacrifice they are making. We tried the whole commuter marriage for two years and Sunday’s just became too much to bear. But lately I see the lines becoming blurred. It’s slowly but surely evolving into a too many cooks in the kitchen scenario.

I’ve noticed my MIL raising her voice a little more at my kids lately. She’s taken it upon herself to tell a 4 and 6 year old that they need to help out around the house more. What? 4 and 6, people not 14 and 16. They already set the table, help load the dishwasher and feed the dog. This seems like a lot to me, aside from picking up their toys. After a particularly aggressive conversation between her and the girls my husband stepped in and reminded her of their ages. She responded ,”Well, I just thought I’d teach them some responsibility.” Is she implying that we do not discipline them or are too permissive in our parenting?

How to parenting interventions are Most always Unwanted

I can feel the judging eyes and impatient stares when the children misbehave. I feel like my every parenting move is under scrutiny. How do I stop this? I ‘ve tried the firm yet gentle approach but my efforts seems to go unnoticed.

Sitting at the dinner table the other night, I watched in muted shock as she scolded my children for not eating everything on their plate. I am trying to teach them to eat until they are full and then stop. I have rules that they have to eat certain amounts of fruit, vegetables and milk. They are never obligated to finish carbs. In fact, I prefer they not. But she stepped in and reprimanded them for NOT eating the 3 helpings of carbs in its entirety.

I feel like my hands are tied because of the situation we are in and I really prefer not to be homeless. How do you tell your MIL that her, assumed, well meaning how to parenting interventions are stepping on your parenting toes? I know she loves them and she’s a good parent, after all, she did raise the Big Guy and he’s pretty freaking amazing. But these are our children and we are the only authoritative figures that should be parenting our children. I appreciate wise how to parenting tips from someone who’s been there already but I feel we can parent effectively all on our own.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think she is doing this to be nasty or undermine our parenting or even intentionally. I just think she thinks she is doing what is best. She’s a fixer. If there’s a perceived problem she fixes it. I am more concerned with the effect that it is having on the girls. They are getting confused about who is in charge. My 4 year old told me the other day that is was Grandma’s house and she makes the rules. Which we all know is true except for when you live at Grandma’s house. In any case, Mommy and Daddy always have supreme reign over the children. Even worse, I am afraid that going from being the visiting, doting Grandmother who loves to spend time with them to the Grandma who they see every day and she reprimands and has no patience for them may hurt the relationship between her and our girls.

Am I looking a parent resource gift horse in the mouth or am I right in feeling like my parenting skills are being questioned? We all know how hard it is to parent in the first place, try doing it with your every parenting move being under a microscope. Has this ever happened to you? Has a parent or well intentioned family member or friend stepped in and parented on your behalf, without your permission? What did you do? How would you handle this sticky how to parenting situation?

No how to parenting assistance needed

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2012/01/24 16 comments

Parenting Techniques, Blanket Statements and Blow Ups

by Deborah Cruz 2011/11/23

written by Deborah Cruz

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Parenting Techniques are like assholes..everyone has one!

2011/11/23 2 comments

Parenting

Perfect Parenting is Perfect Bullshit

by Deborah Cruz 2011/04/26

written by Deborah Cruz

Perfect Parenting~Perfect Bullshit I know all of us try,to our best capabilities, to be the best parent we can be. We want others to look at us and say “Wow! That Mom really has her shit together!” More importantly, we need to feel that our kids know that we are doing everything right. We want to do our best for them.I know I try my hardest to achieve a certain level of parenting proficiency.I’ve always been a perfectionist,so parenting was also approached with perfection as the ultimate goal. Perfect children? Perfect Mommy? Perfectly simple? Perfectly happy? That was the part that I hadn’t figured out yet.

Here I am, 6 years later with 2 gorgeous daughters who I think are absolutely perfect, to me. I, on the other hand, am not. I’ve been known to lose my temper and yell. I know, shocking right? I’ve found myself at a loss, stranded in a room completely overwhelmed with no direction and these two perfect beings tap dancing an Irish jig all over my very last nerve. These moments make me feel like the most unqualified parent in the world. After all, what kind of mom doesn’t think her kids are sunshine and rainbows all day, every day? Probably more than would like to admit it , that’s who.

Then it hit me.Parenting is not what I am unqualified for. I am unqualified to try and parent by stringent, ridiculous parenting standards. My girls need me to be a Mommy to them.I’m not getting a grade. There’s not some secret Mommy board of directors who is keeping an ever knowing, all seeing big brother eye on my every move to validate whether or not I follow the approved guidelines. It’s the girls, myself and what works for us.

I know there is most certainly others judging me when my 3 year old has a complete meltdown on Sunday nights over which panties she wears and I give in. But they don’t realize that her Daddy has left every single Sunday night for the past year and she has a hard time dealing with it, she is only 3. She’s sad and panties are not the problem,they are a symptom. Missing her daddy is the real issue but looking from the outside. How could you know?

When my 5 year old had such a difficult time at the beginning of the school year because she had no friends and cried about it for weeks, people looked at me like I was a moron for letting her get so worked up about something so inconsequential. What they didn’t know is that we had to relocate last year and she had to leave behind her school and all of her friends half way across the country.And that was the second time in a years time. I let her overreact about the situation this year because she needed to feel her feelings. It was my job to let her feel them, no judgment and try and help her move through them.She’s thriving now but anyone looking from the outside looking in would have thought I was raising drama queens.

The day that I popped off at the girls for asking me to go to the park for the 37th time and my friend looked at me like I was monster, it hurt and was an embarrassing moment in my Mommy history. What she didn’t know was that it was the 37th time they had asked, I had already told them no because they were misbehaving and they had been at that park yesterday for 2 hours.Not to mention, I parent alone 5 days a week and if you’ve never had to do this you can’t understand how difficult it really is.No one knows these things if they are not told.

Bottom line, my job is to be a good parent to my girls. For me, being a good parent means loving my girls unconditionally, supporting them in their endeavors, raising them with values and manners and doing my best to let them know the real me. I want them to look back on their childhood and know “My parents loved me”, they nourished my soul, my mind and my body. I don’t want to hide the real me from them.I don’t want them to hide who they are from me. There is no such thing as perfect parenting, that is perfect nonsense. We need to strive for parenting in a way that is perfect for our own children, whatever that may be.

What is your perfect parenting style? What parenting “guideline” do you feel is completely obsolete in your parenting world? What parenting technique would you never use? Which parenting technique would you be lost without?

2011/04/26 17 comments

Parenting

Parenting an Angry Child and Remembering to Love Them

by Deborah Cruz 2011/12/14

written by Deborah Cruz

Since the commuter marriage fiasco of 2010-2011, there has been some definite backlash. The biggest backlash can be seen on a daily basis with my 4-year-old, Gabi. She’s one of those children who does everything in a big way. She loves in a big way, plays in a big way, feels every single emotion in a really impactful way. She also hurts in a very big way and I have found myself in the undesirable position of parenting an angry child.

Parenting an angry child is hard.

Gabi’s always been high strung and easily frustrated. Since being apart from her the Big Guy for 2 years at the ripe old ages of 2-4, she’s developed some attachment issues. I made the decision to stay in our home with the girls after the Big Guy lost his job, and found another one across the country. We all followed to be together. Within 7 months, we were downsized just as we were putting down new roots. We stiff upper lipped it and thanked God we were all together.

Out of a need to support his family, the Big Guy took the first job that he found, which was a 4-hour drive from our home and was a contract position. For those not familiar, contracting is like freelancing without an exact expiration date and after the recent relo and uproot we wanted the girls to have stability. We made the hardest choice of our married and parenting life thus far; we decided, for the sake of the girls, that I would reside in our home with our girls and the Big Guy would come home every weekend. This was not an easy decision and was hard on every one of us. It was almost unbearable.

Parenting an angry child is heartbreaking.

To anyone who’s never done this, let me assure you that it’s much harder than it sounds or you can imagine. We bit off more than we could chew. To say it was trying is the understatement of the year (of the 2 years). I may have given the girls a “home” but in the process robbed them of the attachment of their father.

This past August we uprooted from the only true home the girls have ever known so that we could all be together and moved in with our in-laws (that’s an entirely different post). The home we left behind is the home where Bella had every first from 5 months on and the very home where Gabi was conceived, born and raised for the past four years. It was just getting to be too hard on all of us; the children, the marriage and boundaries and relationships were getting blurred.

Both girls have abandonment issues now. Worse yet, Gabi is a very angry child due to the hurt and attachment issues she experienced at such a young age. I feel like the world’s shittiest mother when she’s screaming that she hates me and tells me that I don’t love her because she has been wounded in this process. I pray not irrevocably damaged. Her pain and frustration are audible but sometimes it’s hard to not get angry in response.

I love her so much but parenting an angry child who constantly gets frustrated and goes directly to ” I hate you”, “You’re the worst Mom in the world”, ” You don’t love me do you?” is hard, especially the latter. Hearing “You don’t love me do you?” through tears and anger, cuts me to my quick and breaks my heart while simultaneously stirring feelings of anger. I try to reassure her, but it is met with a barrage of insults and disbelief.

Logic tells me that I need to listen and respond in an affirming way to let her know that she is safe and we will never leave her. It breaks my heart to know how badly I’ve hurt her simply by doing what I thought was best. Parenting is not an exact science but when parenting an angry child there is an even smaller margin of error.

READ ALSO: My Daughter thinks I’m Ugly

I’m trying to educate myself about how to do this parenting an angry child business appropriately without causing further damage and understanding what she needs. I am trying to learn to respond and react appropriately. Remembering to set boundaries on her behavior without belittling her feelings. Even if the chance of abandonment is never going to happen, she needs to know and feel secure that there is nothing she could ever do to make us leave. More importantly, the separation was not because of anything she did or was the cause of.

I need her to understand that we recognize her feelings. We need to help her recognize her primary feelings before it gets to the secondary feeling of anger. For angry children, anger is almost never the initial reaction to a situation. It is usually preceded for a split second by embarrassment, sadness, fear, hurt, disappointment or worry. I need to catch that moment and let her know that I recognize THAT feeling and that it’s okay to feel that way. I need to let Gabs know that I understand that she is feeling that way and that it is perfectly normal. Assure her that there is no blame. I need to love her, even when she is trying to push me away. I need her to know that our parent-child relationship is unbreakable.

Parenting an Angry Child will Heal her Wounds

It’s a long road ahead but I will do whatever is necessary to repair this wound and soothe my angry child. Do you have an angry child? What are some techniques you use to move past the anger when parenting an angry child? How do you validate without frustrating your angry child or getting angry yourself? How does this work with other siblings? Being that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, does this cause other issues with the more adjusted children? How do you go about parenting an angry child?

2011/12/14 6 comments

Teens

The Truth about Parenting Teenagers from a Teen Mom

by Deborah Cruz 2019/04/03

written by Deborah Cruz

Ok folks, this is not a drill. We are in full teen mom mode. We’re over here parenting teenage girls. Well, a champion eye roller tween with cramps and a newly minted 14-year-old so the end is nigh and all of that, I suppose. At least that is what the world would have you believe about parenting teenagers but it’s a lie.

Obviously, no teen parenting experience is the same just like no birth or the first day of kindergarten is the same. I feel like maybe I should knock on some wood before I type this post. You know how fate likes to make fools of us all. But, dare I say, I kind of love parenting my tween and teenage girls possibly even more than when they were toddlers.

I’m in that point of parenting where I have to be the adult. Yep, either I act like an adult or this train derails. Now, I’m not saying that means that I need to go hard and fast on the discipline. Doing that would only make that train jump the tracks. Believe me, I’m talking from experience. No, I’m playing the long game, as I have since they were toddlers, and I’m following my gut. That’s the real trick to winning the parenting teens game. No matter how hard they push you away, if your gut tells you something, listen. Your mama and papa instincts are smarter than you are.

Sometimes, it’s hard looking at an overgrown child with their own thoughts and beliefs and not giving them what they want. Teens like their space. They value friendships above all else. I know this from being a teen myself. Now, that I am a teen mom, I am trying to keep all of this in mind. I listen, even when I find it mundane or infuriatingly contradictory because we need to hear what our teenage girls and boys are saying to us. They really aren’t much different from their toddler selves in terms of what they need from us. They need love, compassion, guidance and understanding not a punishing dictator, even if we do know better. Like my mother always told me, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Keep in mind that your teenage son or teen daughter is still that beautiful little human being that they laid on your chest and you brought home from the hospital. That tiny, helpless human being that you loved more than life itself is still right there inside of the angry kid, bickering with her sister and talking back to you. Remember when your teen was a baby and he cried out in frustration because he couldn’t communicate his needs to you and you had to use your mom superpowers and figure it out? It’s the exact same thing. They need you, the world is new and scary again, and they don’t know how to tell you or ask you for what they need.

The thing is society has played a cruel joke on all of us. They’ve falsely made us all believe that once our kids are a certain age/size that they are capable of doing almost everything. We expect them to behave accordingly. This, in turn, makes our children believe that when they are a certain age/size they are expected to know everything. Secret: They don’t know and how can they? We’re not done raising them. They still need all of our unconditional love, understanding, patience, guidance and compassion; probably now more than ever.

I liken it to when my girls were little. They were always off the charts, size wise, so people always expected them to be further ahead in their developmental skills. I distinctly remember one occasion when Bella was just over one (she was easily the size of a 3 or 4-year-old) and we were in the grocery store and Bella was talking baby talk to me and an older woman came up to us and very condemningly said, “Shouldn’t she be “using her words”?” I nearly swallowed my tongue but managed not to hit the woman and squeak out, “She is using her words. She’s one.” I knew from that moment on that I would spend my parenting tenure being my child’s advocate and to do that, I needed to communicate with my children openly and honestly to really know what they needed from me.

I’ll be honest, parenting a teenager is not that different from parenting a toddler. The key is paying attention (even when they make it difficult), giving them grace and space when they need it (not always when they want it) and as angry as they can make you, remember growing up is hard on them too. They are afraid and feeling like they’ve lost their place in the world. Everything they knew up to this point is changing, including their own bodies and minds. Give them wings to fly but be there to catch them when they start to crash and burn. Most importantly, keep talking to them, keep listening and look past the angst and anger façade…your baby is still in there.

Tips for Parenting Teenage Girls from a Teen Mom

Unconditional Love

Always, every day, no matter what… love them like you loved that baby they laid on your chest. They are still in there hiding behind the eye rolls, smart mouth and pimples. No matter how big they get, they still need positive affirmations and love. Give hugs and keep telling them you love them. Maybe just not in public as much as when they were in kindergarten. Still, something as small as gold charm bracelets to remind them of how much you love them can go a long way, and it’s often the little things that make for the best memories. Sure, you may not always get along and sometimes share different views, but be sure to remind them often of just how much you love and support them – it’ll mean the world to them on days when it’s especially hard to be a teen.

Communication

Talk to them. Not just when you think they did something stupid but all day every day. More importantly, listen. When they talk, they are trying to tell you something even if they don’t have the words. Read between the lines. Fight for them like you did before they were taller than you. Let them say whatever they need to say to you, try to keep your cool and see through their own insecurities and fear. Be there.

Patience

Count to ten before you scream at them. I know that you are tired of them looking at you like you are the dumbest person on earth. I know it breaks your heart when they look at you like you are a stranger on the street. Don’t allow them to be disrespectful or cruel but remember sometimes they are having a bad day. Maybe someone at school was being cruel or unkind, give them the benefit of the doubt. Try not to tell them you hate them ( even if in that moment maybe you do). Remember hate the sin not the sinner? Be patient, the child you couldn’t get enough of is inside that teenage girl smacking her lips and thinking she knows everything and soon enough, you’ll be needed as her soft place to land.

Understanding

This one is hard because teenagers can be frustrating and infuriating and sometimes you just don’t want to rise above it. Sometimes you want to get down in the dirt with them and make them cry to give them a taste of their own medicine. Don’t do that. That’s what bathrooms are for, go cry in private. Don’t fall apart. You need to be the adult.

When your teen girl tells you something that you don’t want to hear (she’s thinking about having sex or she drank at a party) you need to remember you were her not so long ago. Then ask yourself, what will yield a better outcome 1) screaming at her with full disappointment and having her never tell you anything again or 2) listening, recognizing that she is becoming a young adult and these are young adult issues and calmly offering advice and guidance? I think you know the right answer. It’s hard. No one wants to have these conversations with their “child” but this is how they learn to do the right thing and be kind humans, from our sacrifice of weighing in on these topics when we’d really prefer to just lock them in their rooms and keep them safe until they go to college.

Listening

Use your voice of reason, stop talking and listen to the words coming out of their faces. Will it always be what you want to hear? NO! Do you need to hear it? Hell YES! As parents, just because we don’t hear something doesn’t stop it from happening. It’s like not going to the doctor when you have cancer because you’re afraid of the diagnosis. Knowing the diagnosis is not what’s going to kill you, ignoring the symptoms and not getting treated is. Have the hard conversations and listen to everything they say because they are trying to tell you something you need to hear and maybe it could save their life.

Forgiveness

This is a big one. Wow! Teenagers can be cruel and have a biting tongue. They have a knack for going for the weak spots. It must be a defense mechanism against bullying that kicks in with the hormones at puberty. While most won’t dare use it against their peers, they will easily use it on the people who will always love them, their parents. Keep in mind, the teen years are only 7 years of their entire lifetime, don’t punish them or hold grudges against them for what they say or do as teens. Discipline as needed but also remember to dole out positive enforcement and random acts of kindness towards your teenage children, they need it more than anyone else. Let it go. Forgiveness is for both of you. Forgive yourself too for feeling like you’re failing. We all do in these years.

Guidance

Always be there to gently guide your teenagers in the right direction. Firstly, demonstrate good behavior by example. Just like toddlers, they tend to do what they see not what they are told. Next, you can’t force a strong-willed teen to do anything. You can but nobody wins. But you can gently nudge them in the right direction by limiting the choices available. They still need to feel like they have free will.

Make life more of a would you rather situation instead of a what would you do situation because the world is still too big for all of that responsibility. Also, be available to give feedback when asked. If they are talking to you, they might want you to give them your input. This allows them to make their own informed decisions rather than listening to just their peers. But this only works if you respect and value your child’s thoughts and opinions. We are teaching them to make good choices. You can’t just tell them. They have to learn to use logical thinking and decide for themselves.

Compassion

This is so important. Remember you were where they’re at, not so long ago. You didn’t always know everything. I still don’t. When your child messes up, listen to them and be there. Hold them. Help them get through it. Don’t chide and chastise them. Just love them and let them know that everyone makes mistakes and, unless someone’s dead, we’ll all get through it.

It sounds like a lot of rules but in the end, all you really need to do is follow your gut. Your mom intuition tells you when things aren’t right, even when your mind and heart don’t want to believe it. I’ll be here if you want to commiserate and compare notes. We’ll all survive.

2019/04/03 2 comments

parenting, how to survive parenting, mom mantra, exhausted mom

Mommy Truisms

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop; How to Survive Parenting

by Deborah Cruz 2016/07/05

written by Deborah Cruz

Ever find yourself Googling how to survive parenting? My girls are past the toddler years and we even lived through the threenager years…twice! We’ve survived the first days of school and those first years of the insecurity of the early years of elementary school and learning to coexist with others. We are falling fast, headlong into prepubescence and the tween years, which as far as I can decipher is basically a much taller, more vocal threenager who has perfected the eye roll so well that she just may injure herself doing so. It nearly gave me whip lash just being on the receiving end of one earlier this weekend. Yet, at the same time, they are my most favorite people.

It seems like forever ago that we were worrying ourselves silly about every single choice we made when they were newborns and even longer since bringing them home that first day and sleeping with the lights on so that we could watch every breath she took to make sure that she was still alive. I remember the overwhelming fear that I was going to somehow break this precious piece of perfection the minute those insane doctors allowed me to leave the hospital with this brand spanking new perfect newborn.

The point is that parenting is overwhelming at every age. It never gets easier it only gets different. That’s why we mothers have this mantra, and you might not even realize that it is yours, “Can’t stop, Won’t Stop.” I wish there was some sort of mom bat signal that we could shine out to other mothers in the dead of night like a bat mom rescue signal, or there was some sort of letter we could pin on our chest to signal to other mothers that we are exhausted and overwhelmed and in desperate need of a moment of silence, a nap, a hug or just an ear to listen. Instead, we’re all like the little mom that could…just chugging along, praying, “I think I can, I think I can” hoping to survive until our partner gets home from work. We mark our days by putting out metaphorical fires and surviving one catastrophe to the next. It’s not really living so much as its survival.

I’ve been a mom for 11 years now and I can tell you, if it gets easier, it’s not in those first 11 years but I’ve picked up some pointers along the way. Being a parent is hard work, especially when you consider what’s at stake; your sanity, your children’s lives and your quality of life. Oh and your partner, can’t forget about him or her because even if you’re in this shit show together, you’re not really. One of you is doing more work. But who’s keeping score?

How to survive parenting?

When the girls were littler, back in the days when I had a 2 and 4-year-old (and honestly, for a few years after that) every 3 months I’d have a meltdown. I needed the release. Those were my limitations; 3 solids months of non-stop doing my best parenting and then I needed a good cry (a sobbing your face off ugly cry.) In retrospect, I’m not sure if I was crying from feeling like a failure to my children, sucking at making time for my husband, the catastrophic state of what was my home or mourning for my life, the one I knew I would never have again.

I know it had a lot to do with being left on my own to figure it out while my husband worked out of state. I never felt so lonely and overwhelmed as I did in those days even though I was never technically alone (little people had attached themselves to me like barnacles and for 97% if the time I loved it but for the other 3% I felt like I was that guy in the Scream painting by Edvard Munch.) I wasn’t even allowed time alone to hear myself think. Not sure if it was from missing someone to help with the parenting, having someone to talk to about it or the feeling like when he came home on the weekends the Big Guy was secretly thinking to himself, what the hell has she been doing all week…this house looks like a tornado hit it. All I know is that I spent a lot of the early years of parenting feeling buried inside myself; unseen, unheard and invisible (well, unless you consider being a human feed machine, booger and ass wiper and always eating cold food while tiny people asked me a zillion questions being visible…ironically, those were the moments when I really wished I could be invisible.)

The thing is I loved every single moment of it and I hated it too. I loved (still do) my children more than anything else but I put myself on the back burner. I lost myself to a mom uniform (mine was yoga pants and t-shirts, for some it’s a pair of jeans and a sweater or a comfy maxi-dress) and a soft body (because who the hell has the time or the energy to work out when they have little kids). I became unrecognizable on the outside, even to myself. I was in survival mode or maybe it was beast mode, “Can’t stop. Won’t stop!” Because when little people’s lives are depending on you, there is no option even when you want to collapse and say you quit (and we’ve all wanted to. You beautiful exhausted mom reading this, you’re not alone and I see you.) It’s okay. We’ve all wanted to tell the boss to take this job and shove it at one point or another.

The thing is, like I said, it doesn’t get any easier but it gets better. My theory is that babies are born so freakishly cute to us so that when they keep us up all night and take us to the brink of insanity we can be soothed by a coo or a smile. As they get a little older, they get even cuter and that is because those are the real butthole years. Oh if those adorable little smiles didn’t melt our hearts, parents would probably be abandoning threenagers on the carousel at the mall at an alarming rate. Then, they settle in at absolutely freaking adorable from the ages of 4- about 10ish; everything they do is sunshine and out mommy/ daddy hearts almost explode. Then one day, we wake up and they are tweens and they are kind of smelly and starting to perfect that whip lash inducing eye roll that I was warning you about. I hear that over the next few years they become heinous back talkers who know everything and go through a rough patch physically, I think this is nature’ way of making sure our parent hearts survive their departure to college. Otherwise we’d all die or follow them. At this juncture, I can’t guarantee I won’t do both.

The secret to surviving these early years is acceptance. Accept that it really does go by at lightning speed and accept that you love them more than you really want to admit so much so that you worry at night that it might kill you dead if they ever leave you or God forbid, something terrible happens to them. The bottom line is that parenthood is minutia peppered with misery and profound moments of bliss and it’s the most amazing, wonderful thing that any of us will ever be a part of but it also kind of sucks and that’s okay too.

Let it go. Perfection is not attainable in parenting. In fact, it’s a moving target. Do your best, love your children, love yourself and love your partner. Don’t worry so much about the house and laundry, they will still be there tomorrow (unfortunately, I know this first hand). Don’t be afraid to share your struggles with other moms, think of it as your own personal bat mom signal. Talking about it really does help. Why do you think I started this blog in the first place? Believe me, your kids are not the only ones bickering constantly, talking back, not sleeping and living on chicken nuggets and good looks. You are not alone!

Make time to hear yourself think because your thoughts are important. Steal moments to catch your breath and every once in a while, lock the door when you go pee, drive alone with the music you like to hear cranked up 10 decibels too loud for your toddler’s ears and just try to remember that you are still a person and you are not alone. We (the other moms) see you. I promise you, one-day sooner than you think, you will be alone with your thoughts again and you’ll be able to take the time to shower, shave and dress like an adult. You’ll even get to eat warm food and talk to adults again and you will most definitely miss these exhausted, overwhelming moments of now. Did I mention that I cried like a baby the first day that both girls were in school all day long?

Of course, that’s about the same time your “babies” will start throwing you major shade and rolling their eyes at you like it was their job but it’s also about the time you can have real, meaningful conversations with them because they are becoming adults. There’s that damn misery profound bliss thing again.

I see you. What’s the one moment in parenting that you really wished you could send out a bat mom signal and have someone come to your rescue? Let’s have a conversation, share it in the comments.

What’s your one tip you’d give another mom for how to survive parenting?

2016/07/05 0 comment

INternational Women's Day,#tbt, Throwback Thursday, The TRUTH about Motherhood, Motherhood

Parenting

Parenting Edition Throwback Thursday

by Deborah Cruz 2014/05/08

written by Deborah Cruz

Today is Throwback Thursday #tbt and I’m doing it parenting style. It’s all about the motherhood. There will be a Throat Punch Thursday post here on The TRUTH later today. But since it’s my 5-year anniversary week, I have decided to do a little Throwback Thursday post #tbt.

This was the first post that I EVER wrote.I am pretty sure that no one ever read it:) I had no idea what I was doing as a blogger and was definitely still figuring out motherhood. I knew what I wanted this blog to be. I wanted it to be a place where other mothers could come and get the real nitty, gritty down low on motherhood. I was tired of feeling like a failure only to find out that other mothers were only telling me the good parts of their experience and never the hard parts.

As I got to know more moms, I realized they were just trying to protect themselves because all they were hearing were the good parts and in the end…we all felt like failures. I never wanted another new mom to feel like a failure again. That is why I started this blog. I figured if I shared my highs and lows, if only one other mom felt better about herself or felt like she wasn’t alone, I had made a difference. I was trying to be the change. Here is my #TBT post complete with Throwback Thursday Photos. Enjoy.

Parenting for beginners.

There’s a club, more exclusive than the Junior League, the country club, or any other social/philanthropic women’s club, it’s called the Mommy club also known as the bliss/insanity that is Motherhood.
Welcome to the TRUTH about Motherhood where parenting gets really real.
Yes, there are many, many women in this club, from all countries and walks of life. Do you know of any other sorority where the initiation rite is growing and producing a human being? Seriously, that’s a little steep. It’s a never ending membership. Once you’ve joined, you’re a lifer and believe me it’s more stringent than any other club I belong to. It’s like being jumped into a gang. There is no way out. It’s a ’til death to we part sort of situation.

Motherhood is hard. Parenting is not for the weak.

Once you are in the “Motherhood”, you are continuously scrutinized for your choices; from conception, to delivery, what you wear, what your child wears, how you speak to your child, what classes you take and the lists goes on to infinity and beyond. Worse still, other mothers seldom tell you the whole truth about motherhood. Parenting is the best kept secret there is. No one wants to admit how challenging it can really be.
The secrets of parenting are securely hidden from the newbies under lock and key by other parents. Being careful not to reveal an inkling of the real truth for fear that the species may cease to exist. You won’t be told the hard truth about pregnancy, labor, subsequent siblings, bedtime, discipline, after baby body or any of the other gruesome aspects of motherhood by your friends and neighbors. You will hear all about the awesomeness by your mom friends. You will have rainbows and unicorns coming out of your ass. But that’s not reality.
The reality is that parenting is the hardest job that you will ever love.
I’m Truthful Mommy , also known as Deborah to other adults, and this is the truth that your mothers, sisters, and girlfriends never told you! This is the beginning, so if you are ready for the TRUTH about motherhood, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as it happens to me, put on your mom goggles and have a seat and stay awhile. I’ll be giving you the good, the bad, the ugly of motherhood. I’ll be irreverent and brutally honest, so hold on to your hats. Sh*t is about to get real. Welcome to The TRUTH about Motherhood.
My TRUTH about Motherhood is that parenting is everything.

I hope you will come back tomorrow and check out my new series This Blogger’s Life... My first interview will be with my friend, Jill Smokler, the awesome force behind Scary Mommy! It will be live at 8 am EST.

Okay, lets see those #TBT photos on Instagram. Leave your Instagram name in the comments and I will follow! I’m Deborah Cruz on Instagram.

2014/05/08 0 comment

Parenting

Toddlers are A**holes and Other Parenting Misconceptions

by Deborah Cruz 2015/06/30

written by Deborah Cruz

There are a lot of parenting misconceptions out there. Those parenting books don’t tell you the truth about what it’s really like to parent a living, breathing child. I think they write about parenting in theory. One of the biggest misconception is that children are supposed to meat some kind of quality standard, like a piece of USDA regulated meat. It’s not true. They are people, not products. If I hear one more new mom tell me what an asshole her toddler is I just might throw up. Look, I have compassion. I really do. I totally thought that my toddlers were both assholes of epic proportions and then they got a little older.

Thinking your toddler is an asshole is the same thing as thinking you are in love when you are 15. You really believe you are but you only think you are because you don’t know what they hell you are talking about. You haven’t experienced the real thing yet. The same way in high school you think everything is so important but really it is the most inconsequential shit that will ever happen to you.

Toddlers are not assholes this is just one of many parenting misconceptions.

Besides, takes one to know one, right? If you really want to know what an asshole is try having a conversation with an eye rolling tween. There is nothing (as of yet) that is more egregious in parenthood than having a full-grown person talk back to you, roll their eyes and walk away.

The worst part is that my “tween” might look like a big girl but she still has this tiny baby voice and still wants hugs and cuddles but when she’s done with you, she’s done with you. It’s all eye rolls and stomping and looks that say without words, “ You are the stupidest person alive!”, we really should renaming the “tween” years, the “cat” years.

I remember the toddler years. I remember being told, “ I hate you mommy” (I have a feeling that one might be making a come back.) I remember full on tantrums in the middle of the grocery store. I remember wanting to cry because my 2 and 4-year-olds were breaking me and crushing my soul. I had no sleep, the sleep I was getting was filled with kicks to the face and head butts and all day long I was to dance monkey dance. I was the walking dead. I remember their favorite word was, “NO!” The saving grace for them was that they were so damn cute and I just forgave them of all the terrible shit they did to me. And believe me, terrible twos is a myth it’s the threes and fours that you really have to watch out for.

But even with all of that, I remember the random hugs and kisses and all the, “I love you mommy” for no reason at all. I remember the nightly game of, “I love you more.” I remember tiny arms reaching for me like I was salvation and soft cuddles that made my heart explode. I remember all of that. I never forget that.

My theory is this, kids are born so ugly that they are cute and we have so much love for them that it almost kills us. The thought of losing them is crushing and losing one can nearly kill you, at the very least makes you wish you were dead. Then they become toddlers and they do become little terrorist assholes but they are now so cute and have those cute voices and say the sweetest things that we forgive them all their transgressions.

As they enter preschool and elementary school, we love them so much it is almost unbearable to let them leave us for the day. The letting go is awful. We sulk and cry and then we enjoy every moment we get with them after school, watching them blossom into amazing, smart, funny little people. Sure there is whining, interrupting, sibling squabbling and for some reason they never want to go to bed and use more toilet paper than is humanly possible but overall they are awesome.

Then they hit the tween years and they become eye rolling, gum popping, Justice wearing, whining, 1-D loving part-time strangers. Some days they are your baby and the others, they are some sort of wildebeest in designer clothing. One minute they want to tell you everything and the next, they eye roll you to mind your own damn business. Still, I enjoy the moments when we have real conversations and I love that she is at an age where she wants to dress and be like me. Not like an adult but actually coordinate with her mom. It makes my heart all squishy. If only she knew this power she has over me. Shhh, let’s keep that under wraps.

Then, they become teens. Hormones are out of control and they quite frankly are nowhere as cute as they were in the early years. Bad skin, awkwardness and bad attitudes prevail. You are basically financing them but are not entitled to any interaction (that costs extra, my friends). It’s like trying to get the girlfriend experience from a hooker, all that extra money but still, no fucking kissing on the lips. None of it’s real. They hate you and, truth be told, you don’t particularly like them either. You still love them but they are not your favorite people.

Then sometime around senior year, they turn back into normal human beings. They’ve finally got the hang of those damn hormones and they’ve probably had a crisis or two enough to know that you are not going anywhere but now, they are leaving you. My theory is that the only reason moms and dads don’t drop dead on the spot the minute their “babies” go away to college is because of all the growing pains we experience when they are tweens and teens. The pain is necessary to lessen he blow when they have to leave us.

This is my theory and I’m sticking to it and every time my tween rolls her eyes at me, I feign irritation but inside, I’m thanking her for making it easier to let her go in the end. For now, I will take every single kiss, cuddle and eye roll and cherish it because one day she might be across the world and I’ll be longing for the days when I could see her face and when she say, “ I love you,” I’ll always know that I love her more.

What was 1 of your biggest parenting misconceptions?

2015/06/30 0 comment

walking dead, the walking dead, Carol, parenting, parenting tips

Entertainment Parenting

Parenting Survival Tips from the Walking Dead

by Deborah Cruz 2015/03/30

written by Deborah Cruz

I love The Walking Dead, as many of you know. Last year when I was in Boston and shared a brief moment on the elevator with “Shane” from the Walking dead, I nearly fainted and I don’t do fan girl moments. Well, unless you count that time I made a complete fool of myself in front of the Pioneer Woman at BlogHer.

Anyways, last night, I was watching the Walking Dead Season finale and spoiler alert, Carol is badass! In fact, as I started thinking about it there are a lot of parenting lessons to be learned from Rick, Carol, Michon, Daryl and the crew.

First and foremost, kids are a liability in the zombie apocalypse. If they’re not killing you during birth, they are crying to attract zombies but then again, they also get your back. I mean how many times has Carl stabbed a walker in the head to save his dad? Now, that folks, is love in the time of the Walking Dead. My kids have never stabbed a zombie in the head to save my life, but when my back was out last month, they made me a PB& J and really, isn’t it the same thing?

But seriously, I have learned the most from Carol. I’m talking lessons that can actually make me be a better, more effective mom. Here are my Carol-isms or

Top parenting lessons that I’ve learned from the Walking Dead.

Make sure that children respect your personal space

Carol literally threatened to hurt a child if he didn’t stop trying to hang around her. I think she may have gone overboard but he knew that she was serious as a heart attack when he looked up and saw those dead eyes looking back at him. She made her boundaries crystal clear and that is something that I could use some help with.

Don’t make idle threats and always follow through

If you want children to learn to finish what they start and to respect your time and you as a person, you have to hold up your end of the bargain. Never make idle threats because you will undermine your own authority and never( ever,ever,ever) break a promise because then you lose the child’s trust.

Actions speak louder than words

Don’t talk it to death, just do it! When Carol thought 2 members of the new group were sick and could hurt her family, she thought they were a threat. She didn’t discuss it or take a vote. It wasn’t a democracy. She did what she thought was best and simply took them from their beds, killed them and then burned their bodies. I’m not saying to hurt your children but parenthood is not a democracy and sometimes the right choice is not the popular one.

Let it Go

When Carol’s daughter turned, as much as she hated it, she had to let her go. Her daughter turned into a walker and she knew she had to let Rick shoot her in the head. She couldn’t change her back. She had to make the merciful, loving decision. She put her child first.

“That’s not my little girl. It’s some other…thing. My Sophia was alone in the woods. All this time, I thought. She didn’t cry herself to sleep. She didn’t go hungry. She didn’t try to find her way back. Sophia died a long time ago.”

Whispering is Way Scarier than Yelling

When the little boy, Sam, in Alexandria makes a pest of himself asking Carol to make him cookies. She never yells, though she is clearly annoyed, she simply whispers her threats to him and that was scarier than anything she could have yelled. I’ve realized if I whisper, calmly when disappointed or upset, my children are terrified.

Always make them feel safe with you, even when you have your doubts

Remember season 4 of the Walking Dead when Carol took Lizzie out to the flower patch and shot her dead? What were her choices? The kid murdered her sister and liked to play with dead things. She was an apocalyptic sociopath. It was just a matter of time before that crazy little bish was killing all living people to make them her undead pets.

Look at the pretty flowers…it’s going to be all right….Bang, bang…. you’re dead.

At least Carol did the kind thing and didn’t scare her before she did it. (I told you kids were a liability.)

Prepare them for the “Real” World

There is no way Carol would ever let her kid play on a no winner or loser soccer team. Life is hard and you need to know that it will let you down. Things don’t always work out the way you planned it and sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to like eat dog or shoot the walker that used to be your neighbor. That’s why she taught the kids at the prison to use guns and knives to survive the zombie apocalypse. In the end, it’s every man, woman and child for themselves.

And my husband says that television rots your brain. I’d say that these parenting tips could make me a better parent….now, or in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

What parenting survival tips have you learned from the Walking Dead?

Photos via Walking Dead

2015/03/30 9 comments

Entertainment

Soleil Moon Frye Happy Chaos from Punky to Parenting

by Deborah Cruz 2011/08/22

written by Deborah Cruz

Happy Chaos ~ Isn’t that the exact spot where most mothers reside? I do and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting (via Skype) the star of one my favorite childhood TV shows,(no, not Ricky Schroeder though that would certainly be nice too:) Soleil Moon Frye…PUNKY BREWSTER!Is it wrong that I was so geeked to speak with her? If it is, I don’t want to be right!

In a way, Soleil Moon Frye never stopped being Punky, the fun- loving star of the 1980s hit television show Punky Brewster. In the real world, she’s the mom with the inside-out shirt and bits of playdough in her hair, who can’t remember where she parked the car. She balances being a mom with a hundred other tasks associated with running her eco-friendly clothing store The Little Seed, hosting her web series on HerSay.com, advocating for causes close to her heart, and being Target’s Mommy Ambassador, to name a few. As Twitter and Facebook communities can attest, Soleil’s life is messy and chaotic, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. Her book, HAPPY CHAOS: From Punky to Parenting and My Perfectly Imperfect Adventures in Between (on sale August 23,2011) is a refreshing take on modern parenting that encourages moms to be themselves and to embrace the inevitable madness of raising kids and living a full life.

I met Soleil while being a Hot Topic guest on HerSay. She is as sweet and spunky as you could have imagined. She is very down to earth and talking to her felt like talking to one of the mom’s you might meet at the park or in one of your child’s Kindermusik classes. I was very excited when I found out that she was writing a book Happy Chaos From Punky to Parenting and My Perfectly Imperfect Adventures In Between ( in stores TOMORROW August 23,2011). The book is a refreshing take on modern parenting that encourages moms to be themselves and to embrace the inevitable madness of raising kids and living a full life. I’ll take one please.

Happy Chaos is the place between perfection and destruction where bliss exists

Soleil believes that “happy chaos” is a sign of a family operating at its best—when parents accept that they’ll make mistakes, there will be messes, tears and skinned knees. Her over 1.4 million Twitter followers know just how much Soleil lives this philosophy as she often shares with her real and virtual friends and family how she navigates the various obstacles of parenthood.

I had the opportunity to interview Soleil about her parenting style and am sharing them here with you. Hope you enjoy getting to know Soleil on a more personal level as much as I did.

What is the most profound way in which having your children has changed your life?

I learn more and more each day from my children and I never imagined they would be life’s greatest teachers. Amen sister!

If you were only allowed to leave your girls with three life lessons, what would they be?Why?

The lessons would be

1) to stay strong and always self-confident

2) to be kind to others and the world around them.

3) to love completely and not be afraid or fearful of what’s to come. To embrace every moment and lose themselves in the dash in between. These three lessons are amazing and I think every mother can relate. I know I certainly do.

How has your perspective on parenting and the world changed from before you had your girls? What do you do or not do that you never thought you would before giving birth?

Before kids, I thought I was going to be the total hippie laid back parent. I guess I am a bit more protective than I ever thought I would be. Aren’t we all? Who knew having our hearts walking around outside our bodies would be so monumental.

Happy Chaos is where true happiness lives

Happy Chaos comes out tomorrow ( August 23,2011). I am giving away one signed copy to a lucky follower of The TRUTH about Motherhood. All you need to do is GFC follow The TRUTH about Motherhood or email susbscribe and leave me a comment about your own Happy Chaos (please include your email address). A winner will be chosen on Friday August 22, 2011.Or you can click Here to be one of the first moms on the block to own a copy of

Happy Chaos

2011/08/22 6 comments

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